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My Heart's Obsession | Journals Before My Blackened Heart

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Nakudan's Avatar Nakudan
Level 31 : Artisan Pixel Puncher
23
So I wanted to write this a long time ago. Feelings and urges haunt me to this day. Will I finally get everything off my chest or will I squander my own time writing this. It's best to finally get some lightheartedness on the situation.






Years ago, I've been feeling this creeping pain inside my heart that no one would fully understand to the extent I do. No one at all. Its something that I can't describe in mere words but feelings. Years ago I've been feeling like a bit of a robot. Blunt, uncaring, like I was not alive. My main purpose back then was to be honest and straight to the point. No secrets but lies that act as my safety blanket. I wasn't as many people would expect that average youth to be. I was mature, I was professional, I could relate. Yet even though there was respect from those of the leading generation, I was still not complete. Until that one day I met her.







Have not once I had met someone so genuinely kind, soft, frail, friendly, welcoming, warming, refreshing, blissful. So many words to describe this one person and I'm not even two salts as to what she would compare even to this day. She was someone so intriguing to me. At first I was curious to what the charade may be, however after time I grew to trust her. No one to this day can sway me from my belief. Everything was going swimmingly until I made that crude mistake. Oh why was my hearts so taken by this one person. It sent me into a spiral of want, no, need for this one particular person. I needed her so much, as a part of my life that a mere outburst would draw us farther away from each other. Oh dear heart, why would you forsake me so. You could not have handled your river of emotions flooding the banks and drowning me with you. Now I cannot even find the surface of this everlasting aquatic wasteland.






I thought I could end this cycle of struggle which I placed myself into. Last year, I was finally able to contact her and my heart was once again overjoyed. However, in an effort to maintain myself I blew my chance to gain closure. It was an effort, a thought that she could be with me once more but forever and look what it had done. Now I hate myself for loving her. The jane of my life gone and everywhere I go now I see her name, plastered from vandalized chairs to simple book titles and even after all these years I still can't gain closure. Now I even have a spouse yet I cannot love her as whole-heartedly as I wish I could because someone else has a piece of my original one. I don't even wish to hurt her as she had hurt me but how can I love in nothing but vacuum of sorrow. Even now my masks have cracks in it. 







Years ago I made the mistake to love. I made the mistake to love and now I'm falling apart. If I could I would go back to the medication, go back to the countless days of therapy to avoid giving away my heart. I would conceal away my emotions and just become a stagnant robot to avoid being human. I would switch from a mere ceramic mask to one made of reinforced steel to avoid the risk of it cracking by just the fragile touch of one finger. And I would nullify all of what I just said, to be with her once more
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