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The battle of Kilkenny (War writing skill test)

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avatar ShanePurePickaxe2
Level 18 : Journeyman Nerd
Posted 06/27/12 4:07:49 pm
06/27/12
Ender pushed against the wall as a bullet flew past his ear. The battle had been going on for days now and he was rather thirsty. He calculated how long his water would last if he took how much. he decided he would limit himself to 10ml every day, from his one litre bottle. That would last him 10 days. He took a drink and put it back in his backpack. Another bullet whistled and went into the wall, leaving a small hole. He tightened his grip on the assault rifle. He swiftly peeked around the corner and shot a bullet. There was a large flash and a spread of deep red fluid along the ground near the targets body, which was now in a heap on the ground. Ender called to Blaze and he swiftly and stealthily moved to the wall next to Ender. "On your 2." Blaze whispered. Ender nodded and exhaled a little, which was obviously a sigh. He turned and kicked open the door to reveal a man staring out a window. There was a bright flash and the person fell to the ground. By his body was a picture of a family, presumably the mans. Ender looked at the picture in horror and Blaze tapped him on the back. "Its only for the best, lad." He said, lighting a smoke. Ender nodded and the magazine dropped to the ground, and Ender replaced it with another from his combat vest.

*Only accepting constructive criticism and good comments*

Additional Details

Tags:Test, Kilkenny, Ireland, Bullet, War, SciFi, Battle, Ender, Blaze, Gun, Article

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Comments : 14

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STEALTHy
Level 50
Grandmaster Soldier
November 10, 2012, 8:06 pm

I can give you some funny war stories to induce you into some idea's for other stories you might write. What are you trying to get at though because this short blog if formed into a video would last less than 30 seconds. Add some character to it and give some suspense and I can see a lot more people enjoying your blogs. 
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ShanePurePickaxe2
Level 18
Journeyman Nerd
November 11, 2012, 8:56 am

Im not used to writing anything related to war, and i prefer slowly taken stories. War stories have to be fast paced, which im not good at. Im slowly getting a bit better though :)
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SinizterDzine
Level 34
Artisan Lava Rider
July 22, 2012, 7:26 am

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CONTINUE THIS SHIZ
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ShanePurePickaxe2
Level 18
Journeyman Nerd
July 22, 2012, 12:55 pm

Im glad you like it ;)
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SinizterDzine
Level 34
Artisan Lava Rider
July 22, 2012, 1:24 pm

No. But seriously. Please continue.
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ShanePurePickaxe2
Level 18
Journeyman Nerd
July 22, 2012, 1:53 pm

Alright, i promise, if my writing tutorial gets in the top 100 in the contest, i will continue this every Wednesday.
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SinizterDzine
Level 34
Artisan Lava Rider
July 22, 2012, 10:20 pm

OMG THANK YOU
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Seska Rotan
Chat Moderator
Level 26
Expert Spider Rider
July 4, 2012, 2:09 pm

This is a good starting point, I have a couple of suggestions for improvement though:

1) You've got quite fast-paced action linked in with less fast-paced material. This can sometimes make the writing seem stuttery and it won't flow very well. You have good skills with picking up the pace though, and if you separate your sections of pace, i'm sure you will develop even better action scene writing.

2) Structure. This one's always a pain, and easy to go wrong with. For action scenes, you'll usually want your paragraphs to be more broken up, and your sentences should be shorter if you wish to add pace and/or tension. At the moment, even though you've produced good work, structuring it well will improve it a lot. :)

3) Grammar bro, stick to grammar rules and people are far more likely to take your work seriously. Mainly you'll need to work on the grammar with regards to the character's speech, but other than that you're not doing too bad. :)

Keep it up, you have talent. :)
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ShanePurePickaxe2
Level 18
Journeyman Nerd
July 4, 2012, 2:48 pm

I like to think of myself as pretty good at grammar, but the characters speech is supposed to be stereotypically Irish, as it is the battle of Kilkenny. And i tried to add a little soldier speak too. And after reading it, i noticed your 2 other points. Thanks for the tips, this is just my first time writing anything war related, as im used to writing slow paced full blown fiction. With ice magic and such.
~Shaner
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Seska Rotan
Chat Moderator
Level 26
Expert Spider Rider
July 4, 2012, 2:54 pm

I take it you're Irish then? I have family friends in County Mayo. :)

Yeah, you grammar is generally good, but there's nothing wrong with polishing it even more, eh? :P Yeah, I noticed you put in a bit of soldier speak there. Well for a first attempt at this kind of thing, it's a very good start. :)
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ShanePurePickaxe2
Level 18
Journeyman Nerd
July 5, 2012, 4:51 am

Yeah, though im not from Kilkenny, im from the capital, Dublin. Thanks :)
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Seska Rotan
Chat Moderator
Level 26
Expert Spider Rider
July 4, 2012, 2:11 pm

I like to finish on a positive note, so I'd like to say, you definitely have a lot of potential with writing, and so I think you should definitely stick with it. :)
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SniperMonkey
Level 3
Apprentice Artist
July 4, 2012, 2:03 pm

I liked it. How long did this take you to think of? 
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ShanePurePickaxe2
Level 18
Journeyman Nerd
July 4, 2012, 2:52 pm

The general idea of the situation, the scenery and the characters took me about 5 minutes to imagine and get used to. Then thinking of what would happen and writing it 4 times over took me about half an hour. So it took me about 35 minutes is all.
~Shaner

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