1

Looking for Input on a Story

Camarilla's Avatar Camarilla11/23/15 7:54 am
11/28/2015 5:13 pm
KingofGrief's Avatar KingofGrief
(Wasn't sure where to put this, but if it doesn't go here, then sorry.)

I was working on the beginning of a story. I like how it sounds, but is it too metaphor-y? Really, I'd just like your input on the first paragraph, which reads:

The sunset was scattered over the river like a cracked mirror, each of the ripples in the winding aqua distorting the orange and purple rays. It was as if Picasso himself had descended from the heavens and painted the waters, each sector of the masterpiece so perfectly out of place. As the sun began to pull away, Picasso entered his Blue Period; the river had almost instantly changed to an azure hue and I, with my attention diverted and captured so easily by an arbitrary metaphor, was incapable of noticing.

Thanks!
Posted by Camarilla's Avatar
Camarilla
Level 11 : Journeyman Scribe
18

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11

1
11/28/2015 5:13 pm
Level 9 : Apprentice Network
KingofGrief
KingofGrief's Avatar
Your piece is starting off with too much description for my tastes. Back in the Victorian days, one could describe a train for twenty pages in lush poetic detail and everyone liked it. In those days reading was the main form of entertainment.

Imagine that all your readers have ADHD, and use descriptive metaphors only to punch up your writing where it needs it. Make everything else you write functional, action oriented, and keep it moving. My pet peeve with online fiction is when it is wordy, and nothing happens.
1
11/24/2015 10:31 pm
Level 15 : Journeyman Blacksmith
Henry_Jekyll
Henry_Jekyll's Avatar
Perhaps if it's just a certain character's viewpoint in such a poetic form, then I believe it is perfectly fine. However, if you end up using this detail in the whole story (while I would still be interested) many people will turn away from it.
1
11/24/2015 9:36 pm
Level 50 : Grandmaster Dragonborn
Monke
Monke's Avatar
I think it is very detailed, and it sounds just fine. like what iRowan7 said up there use the same amount of detail or slowly use less in the other paragraphs so the whole story sounds nice!
1
11/24/2015 8:10 pm
Level 1 : New Explorer
1Scanman
1Scanman's Avatar
I am sorry but I dislike it because it is way to poetic. Thats just my opinion though. If YOU like then keep it. (this was waste of text)
HAVE A NICE DAY EVERYBODY!!
1
11/24/2015 7:28 pm
Level 37 : Artisan Explorer
TastyYoghurt
TastyYoghurt's Avatar
Sadly, it's way, way too metaphor-y and purple prose-y. I'm not a fan. The type of writing I like is simple and effective, with no "winding aquas".
1
11/24/2015 7:10 pm
Level 61 : High Grandmaster Terraformer
Ivain
Ivain's Avatar
As a paragraph on its own, its pretty good. However, I'd like to warn you to not use this much description and detail for the entirety of a book. It can get tedious to read very quickly. Rather, I suggest you only use it when introducing a new setting or describing a particularly intense moment. For the rest, try some simpler descriptions, and make sure to remember including character actions, thoughts and dialogue
1
11/24/2015 6:59 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Explorer
Pyrolitics
Pyrolitics's Avatar
It looks great! I don't know what kind of feel you're going for, but if you're going for more of a detailed, and more of a setting based story, I would stick with that. If you're going to put less detail into other paragraphs I would lessen the amount of metaphors in the beginning, or slowly use less and less metaphors each paragraph, if you want to slowly go into a more conversation/character-type setting.
But overall, it looks great.
1
11/23/2015 10:56 am
Level 17 : Journeyman Taco
JDawg77
JDawg77's Avatar
sounds good.
1
11/23/2015 8:05 am
Level 49 : Master Sweetheart
Zatharel
Zatharel's Avatar
hey Cam, you didn't have to post twice

(I'll come back and look at it soon)
1
11/23/2015 9:52 am
Level 11 : Journeyman Scribe
Camarilla
Camarilla's Avatar
Oops...
1
11/23/2015 8:00 am
Level 18 : Journeyman Mage
ZachDevv
ZachDevv's Avatar
It sounds good, but maybe a little over detailed at the beginning?
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