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Intro to a fantasy story I wanna write, what you think?

Noctris's Avatar Noctris7/21/15 10:40 am
1 emeralds 2.4k 21
8/5/2015 3:27 am
Noctris's Avatar Noctris
Hi there, I always liked making D&D story lines etc. So i wanted to actually write one of my stories. This is the intro to the story, then chapter 1 starts from the past of the current event, and follows up to the event, and continues onward. Feedback appriciated

Edit: the "name" is just a place holder, I am working on a few names still didn't manage to get the right one


Chapter Unknown - Intro

The night was cold, a freezing breeze slowly blowing from the mountain pass. As the blood sun rose over the misty valley of “name” distant echoes of last cries were heard throughout the valley. Thousands of dead soldiers laid on the ground, their blood painted the snow scarlet. Amongst the massacre the King stands with his general, his black cape slowly waving in the breeze, with full plate armor damaged and colored dark green by the blood of his enemies, looking distantly at the waving flags of the Empire’s Alliance next to the bodies of his people.

K: This was a hell of a price to pay.
G: I know your grace, but now, finally our lands will be safe. These savages have been nothing but a threat since the mountains collapsed and the pass was opened.
K: That is true. These people are heroes, every single one of them. They deserved better, not to be slaughtered here at the end of the world, for a kingdom that’s half a world away. See to the wounded, we return home as victors.
G: Yes my King.

As the king walked listlessly towards his tent on the hill, he could not stop but to think of all the people he lost. Was it worth it, will their lands finally be safe from the reckless bloodthirsty “name”. Time will tell.

So yeah i started working on a map for this story. Feedback on that also appreciated

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Noctris
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08/01/2015 9:41 am
Level 23 : Expert Dolphin
EmeraldEclipse
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If that was the beginning of a book, I would definitely read it, and probably buy it, as I love both this genre and your writing. I would agree with UnderscoreZeroLP that "hell" doesn't seem to fit, though.
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