1
So I wanna start like an online blog/story about the fictional world of Itharios, I just posted my first post and would love to get some feedback!
http://marteynharinck.wix.com/itharios#!Introduction-to-the-world-of-Itharios/c1sbz/57419bae0cf2f90ca6f99ca7
*EDIT* You can now also subscribe to my blog to stay updated about new posts! 23/05/2016
http://marteynharinck.wix.com/itharios#!Introduction-to-the-world-of-Itharios/c1sbz/57419bae0cf2f90ca6f99ca7
*EDIT* You can now also subscribe to my blog to stay updated about new posts! 23/05/2016
Create an account or sign in to comment.
18
1
bump!
1
Tylakya, thanks for sharing this. I'm just starting to write, and I have so many things I want to do. I'm working on a novel and some animated series, but I have a hard time getting all this stuff together since I have school, so I mainly just write little stuff. Maybe I'll start sharing my stuff on here since I love sharing my ideas and getting some important feedback from people, telling me what I'm doing right and what people want to see more of. As for your story, it's solid as rock but it still has its blemishes, also known as grammar mistakes and confusing wording. Instead of God, I would try deity since I didn't get an implication that the Livathosi are Christians, Muslims, or Jews. Also, you have a run-on sentence when you were talking about never finding a poor Livathosi. But trust me, I make the same mistakes all the time.
1
Thanks for the comments! I hope we can discuss about writing together!
1
bump
1
It is very interesting, something I want to follow... One thing I noticed that does need changed is the fact that you changed the name in the titles, but didn't change it in the ABOUT page!
Keep Writing, and stay inspired!
- Eli
Keep Writing, and stay inspired!
- Eli
1
Oki thanks! I adjusted the names in the about page XD, thanks for pointing that out!
P.S on the main page there should be a subscribe button, which will make sure you stay up-to date on new posts, though the mail could be in your spam folder xd
P.S on the main page there should be a subscribe button, which will make sure you stay up-to date on new posts, though the mail could be in your spam folder xd
1
bump
1
I apologize if I seem blunt, but I noticed some errors that annoyed me a little.
First off, the name of your world seems a little... strange? Typically, worlds don't end with a Y, but it's not that big of a deal.
Second, and the one that annoyed me the most, was that you stopped in the middle of explaining the Creator, and went off on a tangent about bloody monks. Don't get me wrong, bloody monks sound amazing, but they don't have a place in a creation story. You are just putting useless information in to kill the flow and ebb of the story. Again, bloody monks sound really cool, and deserve a place somewhere in your story, but feeding information that has no bearing on a specific topic into said specific topic doesn't do any good.
Third, I noticed a small plothole, but it shouldn't be too hard to fix or explain. The narrator says that he disagrees with the scientists who say that the creator is long dead, yet he then says that the creator is long dead. Am I mis-reading that part?
Anyway, you have a really great foundation, and I can't wait to read more! If you ever need some dedicated advice, send me a PM.
First off, the name of your world seems a little... strange? Typically, worlds don't end with a Y, but it's not that big of a deal.
Second, and the one that annoyed me the most, was that you stopped in the middle of explaining the Creator, and went off on a tangent about bloody monks. Don't get me wrong, bloody monks sound amazing, but they don't have a place in a creation story. You are just putting useless information in to kill the flow and ebb of the story. Again, bloody monks sound really cool, and deserve a place somewhere in your story, but feeding information that has no bearing on a specific topic into said specific topic doesn't do any good.
Third, I noticed a small plothole, but it shouldn't be too hard to fix or explain. The narrator says that he disagrees with the scientists who say that the creator is long dead, yet he then says that the creator is long dead. Am I mis-reading that part?
Anyway, you have a really great foundation, and I can't wait to read more! If you ever need some dedicated advice, send me a PM.
1
Don't worry about being blunt, I like constructive criticism
1. You have a point, I may change it when I can think of a better name
2. It was my intention to establish the bloody monks in the first post, though I may change it to a new post
3. The narrator believes that the Creator did exist, but that it died, but the scientists believe that it never existed
1. You have a point, I may change it when I can think of a better name
2. It was my intention to establish the bloody monks in the first post, though I may change it to a new post
3. The narrator believes that the Creator did exist, but that it died, but the scientists believe that it never existed
1
Changed the world name to Itharios, hope that sounds a bit better
1
Ah, it's nice to see fellow authors on PMC. I'm working on a fantasy story myself, also set in a made-up world, which is called Esteria.
Anyways, good beginning to a story that just may turn out to be even better! Keep up the good work (and yes, there are a few typos and mistakes in your story, and they bother me a little [my friends say I have fake OCD, but I say I'm a grammar Nazi])!
Anyways, good beginning to a story that just may turn out to be even better! Keep up the good work (and yes, there are a few typos and mistakes in your story, and they bother me a little [my friends say I have fake OCD, but I say I'm a grammar Nazi])!
1
Thanks for the feedback! Yea I know about the typos, I'll change them today when I have the time xd
1
As an aspiring author and the creator of the land of Calderak I think that it is an excellent start, We should get together and chat someday about our storys
Happy Writing!
-Steamfan
Happy Writing!
-Steamfan
1
Thanks! I messaged you so we can talk!
1
The story is very interesting and creative. There are a few small typos, like "its" and "it's" confusions and a couple of missing spaces, but a little proofreading can fix that, Good work.
1
Thanks! I'll certainly look into that!
1
"The Creator formed this world using it's own life essence, which is why you will often see monks preaching that when we cut down another forest we are cutting down the Creator itself, something which is, to them, punishable by death"
By this logic, wouldn't punishing someone by death be punishable by death?
By this logic, wouldn't punishing someone by death be punishable by death?
1
Yup. That's exactly what I meant XD