1

What do You Think from This Story Intro?

avrona's Avatar avrona10/18/16 3:46 pm
1 emeralds 1.2k 24
10/27/2016 6:01 pm
skygame12x's Avatar skygame12x
So I started writing a story for a PMC blog, and I recently finished the intro. I want to continue writing it up once I figure out how you leave a spoiler (if any of you know please let me know). So I want to know what you think of the intro? Is it good? What do you think of the story of it?

The Empire of Ternio was going through rough times. They suffered a constant threat of war from the empire they share their Northern border with, the Medidens. Everyone is expecting war to break out soon. The Triple Kingdom, a small region in the North-East of Ternio, created a new plan to help defend the kingdom from war. All children between the age of 10 and 17 now had to take part in an unpayed, war related role. One of those people was the 16 year old Metradora, a Medinian who moved to Ternio to escape joining their army. Despite Mediden being hated by most of the empire, Metradora was respected and like the in the kingdom. She became a popular citizen of the kingdom and ignores her Medidian roots. The role she chose was a scout. Her duties were patroling the area around kingdom and carrying letters between towns. Her job was almost t he same everyday, until one, cold morning when everything changed.
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avrona
Level 40 : Master Explorer
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1
10/27/2016 6:01 pm
Level 21 : Expert Architect
skygame12x
skygame12x's Avatar
avrona

It's good, but what happened on that "cold morning when everything changed"? I'm just curious.


That will be the point of the main story, this is just the intro that will go before the chapters.

Yeah I know I just want to know out of curiosity. Also, I recommend you do say why the war started, but don't make it something too complicated.
1
10/26/2016 10:51 pm
Level 22 : Expert Blockhead
raidarr
raidarr's Avatar
It seems to me that the introduction is a history lesson, not so much as a grab for a story. You throw in tons of names and politics that, by themselves, aren't very grabbing (though I personally have a tendency to read lore regardless). Then at the end you have a tiny blurb to connect the direct focus of the story.

A better balance between the situation of the character and the situation of the global stage might help. If you had a map, that would make the political stage more interesting to look at in my case.

I'd suggest taking this to a site dedicated to these things if you're serious about it as you won't find much on PMC to help comparatively. It's like asking people to tell you if you built your custom car right in a grocery store - a couple people will be able to tell you, but an auto shop will do it far better.

Honestly? I'd chop the massive block of lore that is best suited for further reading and less for a story intro and put it in a place where people can find it, but not as the immediate grab. Something like your first blurb on the topic, possibly with a map and split into two concise paragraphs (with a slight emphasis on the character herself) sounds appealing off the top of my head.
1
10/26/2016 3:34 pm
Level 1 : New Explorer
COLE WORLD
COLE WORLD's Avatar
On top of that it isn't very meaningful at all, from my point of view.
1
10/26/2016 3:31 pm
Level 1 : New Explorer
COLE WORLD
COLE WORLD's Avatar
I'm not even going to lie, it's subjective yes but whilst a lot is happening it is still very dull. You have to look at your target audience you are asking for a help on a website called planet minecraft.
1
10/26/2016 4:35 am
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
It is filled with information, but there isn't enough back story. Why is all this happening? And it needs more character introduction. What does he/she think of all of this? We only know what he/she does to contribute but does she like this?


I said why the war may be happening. Almost two paragraphs worth of description.

It's good, but what happened on that "cold morning when everything changed"? I'm just curious.


That will be the point of the main story, this is just the intro that will go before the chapters.

To be blunt, the reason for the possible war is a little too deep and rather boring. Is there a way you can make the backstory a little more exciting?


Ok, will try to do something about it.

So the draft for this post with all your feedback:

The Empire of Terino was going through rough times. They suffered a constant threat of war from the empire they share their Northern border with, the Medidens, as 45 years ago a large guild of Mediden origin called the Gold-Skin Guild extended its reach into Terino. They been manipulating governments to give Mediden more power and lower prices on Terino goods. On top of that, 51 years ago, an event known as Purplemoon Crisis happend. It was a large trading embargo which started out as protests and then full on rebellions at docks and harbours in the Eastern regions of Mediden, known as the Hurricane Garden. The riots spread fast as a new ideology referred to as "Storm Brewing" was beginning to form from these strikes. It focused on having trade independent from greedy guilds and barons controlling the flow of cargo. Soon the Purplemoon Confederacy, a council ruling over many of the region over the Western boundries of Terino and Mediden. One of the key regions they had was Oprurg, a large, flat piece of land with access to the sea, which was home to some of the largest harbours in the area. So naturally, the unrest quickly reached that area, and soon it turned into a civil war, yet it only lasted a few weeks, as soon a treaty was signed that restricted guild involvment in free trade in the area of the confederacy. Both Terino and Mediden now faced a dilema: should they support this new ideology or not? Mediden soon started to fight with but Terino decided to support it and soon introduced simmilar terms to the ones recently created in the Purplemoon Condederacy. To help with these reforms, the king of Terino allowed the confederacy to create war camps in Terino to help fight against any black markets created by guilds. Mediden had lot's of secret deals there, which resulted in them creating the Gold-skin Guild, to help keep Mediden in business. After the nations recovered, the war camps have been turned into trading centres, joined together by a new trading path, which connected Terino to the regions in the confederacy. Mediden disaproved greatly, as after the crisis, they didn't want to have neighbours with support of a confederacy which caused a lot of harm to their empire.

The two empires already had poor relations before, as small and large scale conflcts kept on appearing between them.
Everyone is expecting war to break out soon. The Triple Kingdom, a small region in the North-East of Terino, created a new plan to help defend the kingdom from war. All children between the age of 10 and 17 now had to take part in an unpayed, war related role. One of those people was the 16 year old Metradora, a Medinian who moved to Ternio to escape joining their army. Despite Mediden being hated by most of the empire, Metradora was respected and liked in the kingdom. She became a popular citizen of the kingdom and ignores her Medidian roots. The last thing she wanted was a war between her origins and her current family, but she knew she would have to take the side of the Terino's, as that is where she lived. The young woman also felt to betrayed by the people she once called her own. She was ready to stab in the back her own kind if neeeded.

The role she chose was a scout. Her duties were patroling the area around kingdom and carrying letters between towns. Her job was almost t he same everyday, until one, cold morning when everything changed.







I mainly just deleted some of the more boring parts of the reason for a possible war.
1
10/25/2016 7:19 pm
Level 10 : Journeyman Narwhal
inactiveaccount1
inactiveaccount1's Avatar
To be blunt, the reason for the possible war is a little too deep and rather boring. Is there a way you can make the backstory a little more exciting?
1
10/25/2016 7:18 pm
Level 21 : Expert Architect
skygame12x
skygame12x's Avatar
It's good, but what happened on that "cold morning when everything changed"? I'm just curious.
1
10/25/2016 5:38 pm
Level 18 : Journeyman Dragon
ICEThat
ICEThat's Avatar
It is filled with information, but there isn't enough back story. Why is all this happening? And it needs more character introduction. What does he/she think of all of this? We only know what he/she does to contribute but does she like this?

I hope that wasn't too much 'constructive' criticism.

EDIT: This was just for the intro on the first post, I didn't see the next bit.
1
10/25/2016 5:28 pm
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
Ok, I expanded on why there might be a war like you said. What do you think?

The Empire of Terino was going through rough times. They suffered a constant threat of war from the empire they share their Northern border with, the Medidens, as 45 years ago a large guild of Mediden origin called the Gold-Skin Guild extended its reach into Terino. They been manipulating governments to give Mediden more power and lower prices on Terino goods. On top of that, 51 years ago, an event known as Purplemoon Crisis happend. It was a large trading embargo which started out as protests and then full on rebellions at docks and harbours in the Eastern regions of Mediden, known as the Hurricane Garden. The riots spread fast as a new ideology referred to as "Storm Brewing" was beginning to form from these strikes. It focused on having trade independent from greedy guilds and barons controlling the flow of cargo. Soon the Purplemoon Confederacy, a council ruling over many of the region over the Western boundries of Terino and Mediden. One of the key regions they had was Oprurg, a large, flat piece of land with access to the sea, which was home to some of the largest harbours in the area. So naturally, the unrest quickly reached that area, and soon it turned into a civil war, yet it only lasted a few weeks, as soon a treaty was signed that restricted guild involvment in free trade in the area of the confederacy. Both Terino and Mediden now faced a dilema: should they support this new ideology or not? Mediden soon started to fight with but Terino decided to support it and soon introduced simmilar terms to the ones recently created in the Purplemoon Condederacy. To help with these reforms, the king of Terino allowed the confederacy to create war camps in Terino to help fight against any black markets created by guilds. Mediden had lot's of secret deals there, which resulted in them creating the Gold-skin Guild, to help keep Mediden in business. After the nations recovered, the war camps have been turned into trading centres, joined together by a new trading path, which connected Terino to the regions in the confederacy. Mediden disaproved greatly, as after the crisis, they didn't want to have neighbours with support of a confederacy which caused a lot of harm to their empire.

The two empires already had poor relations before, as small and large scale conflcts kept on appearing between them. The last big one before the crisis, was the Unity Campaign, which happend in the year 147 of the 4th Era, and 2nd Age, or 259 years ago. What was then the Taeyes and Mediden Empire, an empire which was twice the size of current Mediden, was split into 18 seperate states. The nation still existed, as the exact same rulers still controlled the capital of the Empire and surronding regions. Their goal was to was unite the states again, however many preffered to stay independant. One of the benefits of not being part of a larger empire was that the states in the South were able to conquer or raid settlements in Northern Terino without having to go into a large scale war. Terino soon launced counter-attacks, and captured by force many towns and cities controlled by the wild states. After 3 years, the Taeyes and Mediden Empire were able to unite their empire again, yet it changed to simply being the Mediden Empire. However as compensation, Terino did not give back the land they stole from the states, which as expected, was not what Mediden wanted. However since they were left in ruin after the long proccess of reunification, they did not attempt to take the land back, but to this day they have not forgiven Terino for still holding on to those regions.

Everyone is expecting war to break out soon. The Triple Kingdom, a small region in the North-East of Terino, created a new plan to help defend the kingdom from war. All children between the age of 10 and 17 now had to take part in an unpayed, war related role. One of those people was the 16 year old Metradora, a Medinian who moved to Ternio to escape joining their army. Despite Mediden being hated by most of the empire, Metradora was respected and liked in the kingdom. She became a popular citizen of the kingdom and ignores her Medidian roots. The role she chose was a scout. Her duties were patroling the area around kingdom and carrying letters between towns. Her job was almost t he same everyday, until one, cold morning when everything changed.
1
10/25/2016 3:08 pm
Level 43 : Master Dragon
Bard Bard
Bard Bard's Avatar
It is a good intro, it introduces Metradora well, but there is little in the way of an explanation for why a war might break out. I feel that in order to feel sympathy towards a side, you need to have a valid reason for the war. it is good for sure, though.
1
10/25/2016 2:13 pm
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
Ok thanks. I will get back to writing it. Any other thoughts on the intro so far?
1
10/25/2016 6:16 am
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
That makes one. Not makes you get out of it.
1
10/25/2016 1:04 pm
Level 52 : Grandmaster Pixel Painter
craftykids
craftykids's Avatar
There are couple ways you could deal with this:

You could create a few lines in the editor, and then insert the spoiler in between then so that you can just click outside the spoiler:




OR if you really need to do it after you've made the spoiler, you can click the "Source code" button to edit the BBCode directly, like a forum post:

1
10/25/2016 6:03 am
Level 25 : Expert Taco
sioned
sioned's Avatar
1
10/25/2016 1:01 am
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
I am talking about a spoiler in a submission.
1
10/24/2016 5:28 pm
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
Thanks. Can't continue writing it though until I find out how you leave a spoiler.
1
10/24/2016 2:17 pm
Level 1 : New Explorer
COLE WORLD
COLE WORLD's Avatar
it's good but in my opinion you could've put some more backstory in as to why they always are at a constant threat of war and make it meaningful... to keep it interesting.
1
10/24/2016 1:54 pm
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
I know how to make spoilers already. I want to know how you leave them.
1
10/24/2016 8:20 pm
Level 52 : Grandmaster Pixel Painter
craftykids
craftykids's Avatar
What do you mean by "leave", then? If you mean that you want to put text outside of the spoiler, that can be done by just writing it outside the "[spoiler][/spoiler]" tags, like this:

this text is before the spoiler
[spoiler]this text is inside the spoiler[/spoiler]
this text is after the spoiler
1
10/24/2016 11:41 am
Level 25 : Expert Taco
sioned
sioned's Avatar
Click to reveal
you click the button that says "spoiler" and put the writing in between the two tags
1
10/24/2016 10:57 am
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
So anyone know how to leave a spoiler?
1
10/19/2016 2:21 pm
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
Any other feedback or most importantly, any ideas how you leave a spoiler?
1
10/18/2016 4:42 pm
Level 40 : Master Explorer
avrona
avrona's Avatar
Thanks.
1
10/18/2016 4:16 pm
Level 29 : Expert Blacksmith
striker107
striker107's Avatar
Nice.
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