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Writing A Book Need An Editor and Critiscm :D

1Zera1's Avatar 1Zera16/21/15 10:21 pm
1 emeralds 1.2k 19
7/12/2015 1:00 am
1Zera1's Avatar 1Zera1
The title Pretty much says but basically i want criticism that will help me out to make it better and I also wanted to see if anyone was willing to edit it for me.....

This is my book Virus X:

Excerpt from Virus X: http://pastebin.com/8Mm0aCgX
Posted by 1Zera1's Avatar
1Zera1
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
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1
07/11/2015 6:56 pm
Level 29 : Expert Artist
nikh
nikh's Avatar
Just a suggestion: If you want to Publish the story, I'd recommend to not post it on the internet. On the internet, anyone can steal your ideas. If you aren't going to publish this, just ignore this comment
1
07/12/2015 1:00 am
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
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Thanks for the suggestion you definately have a point but i would think that my fellow PMC'ers would do no such Thing and anyone else who has a brain.
1
07/11/2015 5:17 pm
Level 28 : Expert Miner
randomteddys500
randomteddys500's Avatar
Im willing to be your editer
1
07/11/2015 6:51 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
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Awesome I will PM you my Story
1
07/11/2015 4:53 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
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Bump!!
1
07/10/2015 3:07 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
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Bump!
1
07/06/2015 3:00 pm
Level 55 : Grandmaster Dragon
Skitto493
Skitto493's Avatar
Ah, another story you're writing? Your punctuation in the excerpt is so much better than from when I last edited one of your stories. Good job!
1
07/09/2015 1:10 am
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
1Zera1's Avatar
Thank you

Also I seem to be stumped so i haven't really continued writing it. I have 23 pages so far, my aim is 300 pages but i'm good with 200. So if anyone has an idea of what i should put to go along with my story please share it.
07/03/2015 4:16 pm
This reply was removed by the poster or a moderator.
1
07/06/2015 12:41 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
1Zera1's Avatar
I was but it got way too sappy and boring for my taste......I hate sappy writing... a little bit of romance in a book i love but sappy is just horrible.
1
07/03/2015 3:24 pm
Level 22 : Expert Modder
Lacuna Corporation
Lacuna Corporation's Avatar
Your grammar is very poor throughout- you need to consistently write in one tense. You keep switching between tenses, sometimes even mid-sentence.
1
07/03/2015 3:30 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
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Yea that's why I'm looking for an editor and I really am trying to stay in one tense it's hard though.....
1
06/23/2015 9:29 pm
Level 9 : Apprentice Unicorn
-Spark-
-Spark-'s Avatar
It was alright, but could use some improvement. "I can barely make out the silhouettes of my three companions" you say, and then you go on to describe how each of them looks without hinting that they went into better light. Your sentences are also choppy and don't flow too well together.
You're talking about cover, then the noises, then about the cover again. Try fitting all the subjects together accordingly.

Try introducing the lack of sleep bit a bit differently. Try something like "I hadn't slept since we've arrived at this place. Every creak and noise was barely registered in the state I was in... I wanted to sleep, but the mere thought of me dozing off only to have one of those creatures (insert whatever they do) to me was terrifying." Try making what you say about terror stronger so that the readers can feel it.

"I looked away for it pained me to see him in this state." That feels out of place with everything else you've wrote. Unless your writing style is old and extremely articulate in such a way, just try "I looked away, it pained me to see him this way." Make sure everything blends together.

Introducing the descriptions of your characters was a bit weak too. It almost seems forced. "Her chocolate colored skin and brown eyes were the opposite of my unnaturally blue eyes and light brown hair." No character in this situation would think this. Introduce the main character's description through a reflection of some sort, or "My __ hair was flying in the wind... Deep ___ eyes alert.... etc." Try something like that. You try to sneak in descriptions of what the characters are wearing, but it doesn't make sense to say "I then realized we were all matching when it came to our worn down black sneakers." Why is your character thinking about the squad's matching sneakers in this situation?

"He smirked. He always found a way to get on everyone's nerves." Why does smirking get on their nerves? In what ways does he get on everyone's nerves constantly?

"ramming down the door with a table... zombies" I think you should explain the zombies. Are they actually intelligent? If so, why didn't they just open the door as opposed to ramming it with a table? And how does one ram a door with a table?

That's all I'll do for now. I think this may have gotten a bit long.

Overall: Work on the way your sentence flows, explain things a bit more, make sure everything makes sense, and try to make certain scenes longer.
1
07/03/2015 3:12 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
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Thanks I will try
1
06/23/2015 7:34 pm
Level 5 : Apprentice Crafter
TheOriginalCK
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Nice! Love it so far, a few grammar mistakes, nothing big though.
1
06/23/2015 8:26 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
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Thank You
1
06/23/2015 6:17 pm
Level 27 : Expert Sweetheart
Exoh
Exoh's Avatar
Me being, a more or less expert at writing horror and thrill, I'd say that the start of it, is a 6/10. You have a great setting, but that's about all you explained in that first bit. Maybe explain more detail on the characters and what is actually going on. If you rework it a bit, you could turn it into something great.
1
06/23/2015 8:26 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
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I Appreciate it i will try to add more detail.
1
06/23/2015 5:10 pm
Level 36 : Artisan Scribe
LetsGoTrippin
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1
06/23/2015 6:01 pm
Level 25 : Expert Blockhead
1Zera1
1Zera1's Avatar
Idk what to say to dat.
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