The Legend of Batguy. Batguy is a man who desperately wants to be like his favorite superhero, who we will not name for copyright reasons. He's very bad at being a hero, but he tries his best, and isn't that what really counts? This is an actual short play I wrote for a project in Drama class. Here's a short excerpt from an already short play, for context:


Officer 1: Who even are you?

Batguy: I'm the new face of justice in this corrupt town. I am the symbol of hope in this godforsaken city. As a symbol I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting. I am the night. (dramatic pause) I am Batguy.

(Batguy begins to make thunder sounds with his mouth. He takes a small flashlight out of his fanny pack and turns it on and off while pointing it at the sky to imitate lightning. This goes on for about five seconds.)

Officer 2: Oh, so you're like Batma-

Batguy: (Interrupting him) No! Not like him. I am my own man.

Officer 2: I'm pretty sure you quoted the dark knight trilogy a second ago.

Batguy: I did not! I thought of all that on my own.

Officer 1: I'm pretty sure that was a Batman Begins quote.

Batguy: Batman Begins was quoting me!

Officer 1: What?

Batguy: Exactly.

The Baker: What is even going on? (He shakes his head) Can I just go? I don't want to be late for dinner and I didn't even commit a crime.

Batguy: Robbing a bakery is a crime!

The Baker: But I didn't rob a bakery! I own the bakery! I simply forgot to put this dollar bill in the cash register.

Batguy: Sure, you "forgot." (He makes finger quotation marks around the word forgot)

Officer 2: (To his partner) Can we arrest him already?

Officer 1: (Sighs) I'm not really sure what's going on here. Let's just take the baker down to the station for questioning. We don't have to fill out paperwork to question him.

(The baker stands up and is escorted offstage by the police officers)

Batguy: Another day, another crime stopped. (Nods to himself) Yeah, that line is good. I'm adding that to my blog.

(He takes his phone out of his fanny pack and types the line in his notes app.)

Batguy: (Speaking under his breath as he types) Another... day... another crime... stopped...

(A scream is heard offstage. A man wearing all black clothes and a ski mask runs by, holding a brightly colored purse. The second he runs all the way across the stage and exits, a woman runs out after him. She stops running near where Batguy is standing. The purse-thief has escaped.)

Rachel: Hey, get back here! Give me that purse! (She spots Batguy) You there, can you help me? I need that purse.

Batguy: You want me to help you steal that man's purse?

Rachel: What? No, that's my purse. He stole it from me.

Batguy: A likely story. That purse doesn't even go with your outfit.

Rachel: But it goes with his?

Batguy: Obviously. The purse adds a splash of color to his all black ensemble.

Rachel: Whatever. That's my purse! Help me get it back!

Batguy: I will not aid you in stealing that man's purse.

Rachel: It's not his purse!

Batguy: Then why did he have it?

Rachel: Because he stole it!

Batguy: But he was running away from you. That obviously means that you tried to steal his purse and he was running to get away from you.

Rachel: What? No!

Batguy: I bet you work for an illegal purse stealing ring. Yeah, that's a thing. I'm not helping you or your purse mafia!

Rachel: What? I work at the gas station. You're crazy.

Batguy: I'm the crazy one? I'm just trying to make my city a better place. You're the one who tried to steal from that innocent, ski mask wearing, black clad man.

Rachel: The dude was literally dressed like a robber!

Batguy: And you're not, which is why no police would suspect you of being part of the purse mafia.

Rachel: I'm not dressed like a criminal because I'm not a criminal! I didn't steal anyone's purse.

Batguy: Of course you didn't. You tried to steal someone's purse. But I stopped you, because that's what I do. I stop criminals.

Rachel: You didn't stop anyone! You weren't even there!

Batguy: I am justice, and justice is always there.

Rachel: That doesn't even make sense.

Batguy: Of course you wouldn't understand justice. You're just a criminal.

Rachel: I just want my purse back.

Batguy: I'm gonna have to take you to the police.

(He attempts to grab Rachel, but she ducks his arms. She pulls pepper spray out of her pocket and sprays him in the face with it. Batguy falls to the ground in agony.)

Rachel: Weirdo!

(Rachel storms offstage.)

Batguy: Why is justice so painful?

Fin.