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2234-Chapter 2: Fight

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avatar rageman96
Retired Moderator
Level 42 : Master Lad
Grayson knew he was in trouble. Some would call it a sixth sense, but Grayson put it down to years of being a Black market dealer, and knowing when trouble was sniffing his way. Finch usually let him know one way or another that he was home safe, and while sometimes he took detours to throw people who potentially may be following off the scent, he had never taken this long to get in touch before. Of course maybe he had been mugged, or picked up by the military police, or any other number of unrelated incidents may have happened to him, but Grayson wanted to be safe rather than sorry. He'd known dealers before who had made rash assumptions, and they were the ones who ended up in prison, or worse, dead. Grayson hurried up the stairs, into the bedroom, and moved apart a piece of skirting board. Behind this was a small cubby hole, filled with bundles of Dollars, artifacts, and, what he was looking for, a silenced pistol. He crept to the top of the stairs and waited...

Grayson awoke with a start, he was sure he had heard something downstairs, a sort of rustling noise, as if something had stepped on some paper. he quickly glanced at his watch, 3:00AM, that was why he had nodded off then, but what he really needed to know was whether someone was in his house. He went prone on the floor, and shuffled clumsily to the top of the stairs, pointing his gun towards the bottom. Sure enough, less that 30 seconds later, something moved out of shadow at the bottom, a human. Grayson waited until he reached the third stair before taking his shot. The first bullet thunked into his chest at a range of less than ten meters, the second caught him in the chin as he fell backwards. As the body hit the floor and crumpled at the bottom of the stairs, Grayson heard a gasp., "So someone else is in the house he though to himself". It wasn't over yet.
"G5, are you ok?...G5?" muttered the second person. When he didn't get a reply, he hurried over and shook the body. This confirmed Graysons suspicions, whoever the second man was, he definitely wasn't used to this sort of thing. Trying not to look at his victim, Grayson fired a third time, and after hearing the body hit the floor, he relaxed, and waited to see if any other assassilants would emerge.

After half an hour of waiting, it became apparent he was safe. Grayson hurried down stairs and checked the bodies, taking the micro SMG the leader was holding, aswell as any ammunition, and money that they had. This was it, Grayson knew he had to leave, to go on the run. Grabbing the package that he had taken from Finch, he flew through his front door, slamming it shut behind him, knowing it would auto-lock, and he began to run for his life...

04/27/2012 11:00 am
Level 40 : Master Goblin
It's well written and all, but the one complaint I have is that you don't use pronouns often enough. To quote somebody who talked to me about this once, "it insults my intelligence" that a writer would expect you not to know who they were talking about when using "he" rather than the person's name.

One of my literature teachers suggested to me that if only one or two people are conversing in each paragraph, then only use their names once or twice. That should help you in the future!

Otherwise, you don't have much else that's holding your writing skills back. Just keep reading properly written works, and you'll do fine.
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