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CHorse's Not So Magical Critique Of A Fantasy Story

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CHorse's Avatar CHorse
Level 39 : Artisan Fish
174
'Ello there frens! Because let’s be honest, the only people reading this are friends who I’ve begged to read this or some of my subscribers who just kinda like whatever crap I post xD


I know you might be wondering; well gee, you’re going to tear apart some poor kid’s book that he’s obviously spent time into! You should be ashamed! And I respect your opinion, but it’s wrong :L I’m not here to attack this poor kiddo, I’m here to do 3 things:


A: Teach the kiddo and help him improve


2: Teach you guys how to avoid these problems


III: Get xp off of it because I like exploiting these issues for free xps xD


Five: Ruin some poor guy’s day because of my inconsistency in this list.


Also, it’s in a spoiler so you can actually get to the comments section and berate me for anything I do wrong.


Here Ya go! Click me pls!

To begin with, 500 years ago, a man by the name of anonymous once said, “A word wall without pictures is made out of brick for readers.” That is to say . . .

CHorse's Not So Magical Critique Of A Fantasy Story



That man died soon after from an infection he contracted by eating ‘memelord2546xxgamer’ according to the internet.
CHorse's Not So Magical Critique Of A Fantasy Story


There’s roughly 12 chapters here, and I get it if your artistic talent is about the level of a kindergartner who has spoons for hands, but I mean . . . come on! The first lesson here is that if your paragraph is this big, then consider splitting it up. If you need proof that this is bad for writing, then look no further than Jules Vernes. I love the guy, but reading an entire page’s worth of a paragraph about fish is less fun than reading shakespeare’s monologues. And you know what?
CHorse's Not So Magical Critique Of A Fantasy Story

Also this guy wrote 12 chapters+ and didn’t bother to show anyone. Second lesson here, is that if you coup up your ideas and don’t show anyone, when it comes time to release them it’s going to be a roll of a dice whether or not they suck or not. You don’t have to release it out to the world, maybe you could have a friend review it? Well, unless your friend is JK Rowling, in which case you’ll suddenly realize everyone in your book was gay all along.


(Side note: I have nothing against lgbtq+, but shoehorning it in via retcon like that is just scummy.)


If you don’t have friends, [insert self deprication joke along the lines of ‘like me’], then go find a group who can hear it. Trust me, it helps every time. Sheep Factory PArt 2 is not a masterpiece, but thanks to thorough beta testing, I was able to create a consistent experience and shamelessly plug it into this blog.







So let’s begin actually reading the story, of which we’ll only read 1 chapter because there’s enough problems in that one chapter to write an entire blog on. The first words are always the key ones that will set the scene for everyone. Often times books begin with a question, or establishing something that the person thought to be real only to defy it. First words impact a reader a lot believe it or not. They are usually a beautiful, eloquent view into so-



James had once been The High Fire Wizard. He had aided


in the battle of darkness, however, He fell in battle to a warrior of darkness.


Humanity fell and was left plagued to perpetual darkness.





:L


And already we’ve got a problem. And now, a rant about expo dumps brought to you by:


Expo dumps should be avoided when possible. I put a period there for a good reason but I forgot. The point is, DON’T DO IT. However, the author of this did try to defend it. Now, show of hands, who likes to read expo dumps?


Alright, those who are raising their hands let me introduce you to my good old pal who is not good or pal, just old, YIIK.


If you think expo dumps are good I dare you to watch this (do it anyway this crap’s hilarious xDDD):


[url="www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkoIUhl8jKU"]www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkoIUhl8jKU[/url]




The kid tried to defend it with:


"Fourthly, this story is from an omniscient point of view, so... expo dump is kind of expected."


I can see sort of what he was going for but this is not true. Never, I repeat, in any kind of story, is an expo dump necessary. And if you don’t believe me, check out ‘There will come soft rains’!

If you don’t want me to spoil it don’t open this.

Throughout the poem not a single time does it tell you that a nuclear war has occurred and killed everyone, leaving a self automated home running. It’s in omniscient point of view, but it doesn’t treat its audience like children. It just says how it is and the reader is supposed to know that that happened.



Neat fact: when an atomic blast occurs, often times the things vaporized get stuck to the walls and look like silhouettes. There’s a lot of pictures of it occurring if you’re curious.




Actually no wait that’s not neat :L



Contrary to popular belief, dumps are stinky and are avoided at all times. I rest my case, next sentence. You don’t want to tell people directly, “Here’s exactly what’s going down!” especially if this guy’s got amnesia.


"He couldn’t recall the battle. He couldn’t remember much of anything."


Which he has . . . :L Ohhh boy. Just to note, you know how much it would suck if at the very beginning of Star Wars Obi Wan told Luke “Oh, darth vader’s your father!” and then Luke got amnesia and went “oh I wonder who’s my father?” I sure don’t, I’ve never watched star wars xD But needless to say, this would just get annoying.


Also, comic book amnesia, it’s not a very good. Usually with amnesia people forget their past entirely, and just don’t bonk their head and temporarily do it. This is permanent in most cases :L Amnesia is only good for making a character’s past a mystery, and a few other cases, but you’ve already told us what’s going on with this character and even if it’s not all of it, the reader isn’t intrigued anymore. It would work if it was permanent, but then apparently,


"honestly, the amnesia doesn't stay throughout the entire story"



:L





So the lesson here is if you’re going to use amnesia, stick to it and use it to build a mystery, and please, do not reveal it until later on.


Now, your audience isn’t always guaranteed to be smart, but you should give them some credit anyways. For instance, I always tend to stick in a convoluted topic into my works every now and then; I don’t know if you guys are able to interpret it or anything but that’s alright I assume you guys have atleast brains enough to interpret words. Even though I have a feeling some of you aren’t quite too bright.





Well shoot :L




So, where I’m going with this is that you tell us that he’s a fire wizard in the beginning, then a few paragraphs down,


"An immense


blast of fire exploded from his hands comparable to a dragon raining


destruction from itsmouth. “AEIGH.”
"





"A massive forcefield of fire stopped the darkness, but at once began to


Fail.
"



And then the beginning is defended with a:


"expo dump is for a reason, reason being if I didn't, it would be too confusing"


Now, I don’t know about you, but if a forcefield of fire stops darkness and he is able to make fire, I can put two and two together. Subtle storytelling is the best; now, would you feel more accomplished if someone showed you were a door was or if they left breadcrumbs leading to it and you found it? Breadcrumb approach is better because I like bread and also something about literary techniques but eh, bread’s gud.


At this point, nothing has caught my attention, and if I were the reader reading the first pages to see if I wanted to buy the book, I would drop the book and kick it out the window. Mainly because I’d have probably accidentally set myself on fire and I must save the book. Dropping it would be because I don't wanna read it anymore.


And now, for some nitpics!





No not that kind. The not fun kind:


Spelling!, punctulation, wordsb eing stuck togetheroddlyWith capitilzation errors, are a few of the problems also. Make sure when you edit you keep an eye out for em. This kid also doesn’t know what subconsciously means, and that's fine but:


"He


subconsciously extended out his hand,"



Subconsciously is usually used when it comes to motives. So I ate your chicken nugget milkshakes because subconsciously I want you to hate me, but I might think I just like fud. The word you’re looking for is unconsciously; which would be more along the lines of actions. So, unconsciously I beat my heart, subconsciously I don’t want to frickin die. Slight difference.


"Once more the populace was speaking to him in a language that sounded


like turkeys warbling. James snapped his fingers and suddenly, they began to


make sense. "



Sooo the main character just decides to snap his fingers for no reason? Unless he knew? But he’s confused about the fire powers he has??




And now for the finale:


The purpose of this blog is not to discourage you, it’s just to show you that something is wrong.



"lastly, I do not like negative feedback, especially when you have no idea what your talking about."



Well, 100000 years ago, the great sages are said to have replied with,




Look, you did a goof, it not good, but thas alright. This story has potential, and if you’re reading this and not the kid whose work I’m criticising, then yours probs does too. Unless it’s about potato sharks dabbing the sunset away. Well, now it’s your time to grow. So, allow me to be a little constructive; I’ve told you what to NOT do, so here’s a rewrite of the first paragraphs to show you sort of what direction it needs to go: (I had to assume some details but here’s a take of what it might could be like)




”In a field, misted by a strange and heavy fog, a gasp was heard. James opened his eyes for the first time in five years, and examined his surroundings. Around him lay swords and staves, once belonging to people, now strewn about like decoral flowers. What lay beyond he could not see, but he could feel something in his chest. A sword, dark, sharp, and rusted, was wedged into him. There was something sinister about it, something ominous, but he wasn’t sure what he was doing, he couldn’t remember very much, if anything at all.


He could not see the heavens, and instinctively he moved out his hands as a burst of flames came lashing out. It pushed back the fog long enough for him to stare at his hands in awe and confusion. Then, the ill meaning fog came back and blocked out all sight, leaving him alone, and in the dark.”




I know I’ve only read a little ,but the fact of the matter is that there are many prevailing problems here that even if the rest managed to iron it out, it would still not be very good. I understand it took a lot of time, but if you want this to be as good as it can be, please do consider rewriting it. If there’s anyone who can do it, it’s definitely you.




But remember everybody, if you make a thing that sucks, fix it unless you really don’t care bout it. And as always thank you for reading, have a good day!


-CHorse


Who is probably going to get sued for copyrights.


Those dern lawyers.

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1
05/18/2020 11:44 am
Level 32 : Artisan Waffle
RystaButAteASock
RystaButAteASock's Avatar
Darn it, idk if this story I made has a expo dump at the start or if it’s fine
1
05/18/2020 11:46 am
Level 32 : Artisan Waffle
RystaButAteASock
RystaButAteASock's Avatar
Also yes, I read this all just cause
1
07/21/2019 9:25 pm
Level 26 : Expert Miner
anonpmc2382110
anonpmc2382110's Avatar
[deleted]
1
07/21/2019 10:03 pm
Level 39 : Artisan Fish
CHorse
CHorse's Avatar
Well if you do don't worry!

I'll be watching . . .

(but in all seriousness go ahead xD I'll ask for permission to critique it beforehand unless you're a bum who doesn't want to hear negative opinions.)
1
07/21/2019 10:20 pm
Level 26 : Expert Miner
anonpmc2382110
anonpmc2382110's Avatar
[deleted]
1
07/21/2019 10:49 pm
Level 39 : Artisan Fish
CHorse
CHorse's Avatar
No, I only did it like this because that guy was being a bum. It's one thing to write a crap story, but it's another to ask for feedback and then get mad at people who give negative feedback. I just felt like doing something to atleast give him a lil slap on the face xD
2
07/21/2019 10:52 pm
Level 26 : Expert Miner
anonpmc2382110
anonpmc2382110's Avatar
[deleted]
2
07/16/2019 11:17 pm
Level 51 : Grandmaster Professor
Eli the Zeratoed
Eli the Zeratoed's Avatar
Even though I'm not the kid who made this article, the criticism was really helpful on my end, because I too, am sometimes guilty of throwing in exposition dumps in the dialogue. On another note, this blog was really fun to read! May I PM you something to critique as well?
2
07/16/2019 11:27 pm
Level 39 : Artisan Fish
CHorse
CHorse's Avatar
Well I'm glad it helped. And yeah sure, if you have something for me to critique then just send it my way; this blog took 1 hour to slap together anyway so it's not much of a problem.
1
07/17/2019 2:53 am
Level 51 : Grandmaster Professor
Eli the Zeratoed
Eli the Zeratoed's Avatar
Alright, then! I'll send you a PM about it as soon as possible!
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