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Close By | TheSilentWind

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avatar TheSilentWind
Level 46 : Master Enderdragon
134
Today… what is today? Today was the future of yesterday and of years ago. That’s right. I thought it would never come. I really believed that all would definitively end before the future had a chance. Perhaps it’s too peculiar to describe. I really believed that the world would end in 2012. I really believed what they all told me. Until that very incident, death felt far and as if it would never come; every breath I take was always followed by and will always be followed by another, and that is what I once thought.


  Then, each moment up until December 21st, 2012 came, it all felt like death was brushing imminently closer until it drew me into believing that maybe the end wouldn’t be so bad after all. No amount of telling myself “it’s not gonna happen, they are just trying to upset you” would work. If everyone else told me it would be true, then how could I not believe it to be true?


  I stare at the screen of my phone. The lingering feeling that brought within the past decade has never quite faded yet: we still have until forever. I give a glare, then I look away again; each time still a surprise to me as the one before. It feels wrong to be grateful, but it also feels wrong to be sad.


  But as I promised. I will remind myself to push for tomorrow, even if you can’t push with me anymore. On the very first day of each year, I must remember to be patient. I must remind myself what you told me, so that, wherever you are, whoever you’ve become, I will always live up to what you viewed of me, and that being my loyalty to my words.


  I put my phone down, making my way to the couch by the window where you and I pressed our hands against the glass.


  It was exactly a decade ago, and by the cold cold window stood you, writing “Happy new year” lightly onto the glass by pressing your finger on it. Come to think of it, it probably wasn’t an easy task. It took some talent or lots of practice. Then, you pressed your warm, delicate hand against the ice-cold glass to reach out for mine. That innocence of mine would’ve inevitably had to end, but I wasn’t and still am not truly ready to accept the welcoming of the end. That’s okay, it’s just the beginning again. I wonder how many more great childhood memories I could’ve created otherwise. But despite all misfortunes, I wouldn’t claim it as a blessing nor a curse. Without it, would I have become a jerk like the rest of them? Without it, would you still have the chance to teach me long-lasting lessons? Without it, what would I be today? Would I be grateful for what is there: the fine bits of life, and what isn’t there: what could have been the feared fate of mine?


  One week before the world’s supposed death sentence, I simply knew I couldn’t rest not telling you how I truly felt. You were the first person, and the only, to have told me it wouldn’t happen, but for some reason, despite the warmth you provided, it was already too late. I was too afraid to risk getting my hopes up. I was convinced to accept the worst to come. I was too afraid to believe there would exist tomorrow, too afraid to enjoy the last moment, too afraid-


  “Enough,” you said. “It is true, you’ll never know whether there will be a time set for tomorrow, but you are the one to create that ‘tomorrow.’”


  On the night before it was all supposed to end, I realized I fell for you: not for the way you look, and not for your charming voice, but that I knew one thing, and that is, you’ll either walk me to the end or draw me a better future. Either way, your presence made me realize that I could still appreciate things, even if the end was close by.


  The day came. Then, what? Was I to return to normal? That clear memory is still pressing against me as if I can still feel death brushing against me with each thought. The world did end, just not in the way I thought it would. I thought accepting the worst to come would mean no harm if nothing bad happens. Maybe I was wrong with my attitude? I never thought I could appreciate anything anymore, and it was a prison, a prison that locked me down each time I tried to tell anyone what’s wrong. Then, one day, I did do it.


  The world didn’t truly end, and although my image of the world shattered in front of my eyes, forever frozen into memory, the future that came also came time for our story to end. You had to move far away, and it was painful for me in a different way, the first time I felt like I didn’t want a new beginning, only an end. But tomorrow will come, whether I believe it or not, so how could I just sit here and wait for it to smack me in the face?


  I can’t understand that it has been 2 years already since you left. The marks of 2020 are bittersweet. Unlike what I expected, it doesn’t hurt that much after, in spite of you being so far away from me. Deep within, I still hold my love for you, and with that, I understand I should move on even if I don’t wish to. At times, I still feel numb, but at least you’ve melted the ice that blocked tomorrow for me. I wonder if this decade would get better, knowing that I no longer have you nor my innocence here with me. I feel like I’ve been left out in the midst of nowhere in a day like today, feeling numb to the cold and every snowflake that fell on my frail face and inevitably still melted.


  And to be honest, I miss hearing the comfort of your voice and holding your hand, imagining that you will walk through me to “tomorrow.” But then again, are you that far away? Whether we cross paths again or not, you were my destiny: the one who revived me.
CreditImages used to create the thumbnail: https://ak3.picdn.net/shutterstock/videos/11309393/thumb/1.jpg and http://wallup.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/10/327082-photography-winter-snow-landscape-water-house-ice-sunlight-reflection.jpg
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