I'll try to not do this very often, but it has to be said.
I'm struggling mentally, financially and morally.

I've felt for ages that I've always been alone. I haven't had any actual friends in a year, and I haven't had genuine friends in 5-6 years.
Me and my sister got seperated from our parents when I was 10 because of marijuana and we were transferred to our grandparents into a new commune. I didn't find many friends, and the three friends I had moved on without me.

This didn't improve when in junior highschool, it just go worse. I was alone and had barely anything to hold on to. To be real with you, I cared so much for my grades that I didn't have time for it, so I ended up with acting and drawing as the only things I enjoyed. School stressed me out to the point of daily headaches that made me have to weekly go home in tenth grade and nothing felt right. The only upside of junior highschool was moving in with my parents again.

The time was finally in for when we could decide our future studies to any job we wanted. Well, any job others wanted. I live in a small commune, do you guys know what that mean? That means they don't have every choice available to become in the commune. And guess what? Since I was separated from my parents, my parents and the school councelor determined that I HAD to pick something that was in the commune. This gave me two years more to live with my parents and still I had to move out, since the other half of the education was somewhere else.

I did eventually meet someone I could call a friend, until they started admitting of their lies and proceeded to harrass me and write my name down as a rapist (A long story, short answer is that there was one phone call and they were drunk, so I got blamed later, even though I never laid hands on them).

Here's when my subscribers get into the picture! A lot of people have given me SO MUCH love and affection that I questioning everything rn and I love having you guys as my fans and I love all the appreciations I've gotten!

But the latest issue I've been having is that my parents tell me that they support me, but they don't. They objectify me, plan and settle my future plans, they distance me from minecraft, they drink, they admit to faults without trying to fix on them, they don't listen to me and they complain that we've become a distant family. Even though they make me uncomfortabl in so many ways and I've tried telling them how uncomfortable I am in EVERY way I've thought of. It just doesn't click to them, rather they start getting emotional and pissed and make me feel like the bad guy.

So now I have trust issues and I struggle to trust anyone. I'm scared to open up, because who know what will happen next. I'm stuck with my parents who doesn't want me to be myself and I don't have anyone to go to.

I'm so sorry guys.. I'm trying my best to make you guys proud. But these are some of the reasons of why I monthly think of suicide. These are the reasons why I feel like an empty shell, a void, who just walks to not upset my family. I need someone. Anyone. Anything.