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Life Of Steve, The Dwarf Fortress

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PkGamer avatar PkGamer
Level 36 : Artisan Spelunker


This blog is provided as-if, any references to real life events, references and topics are purely for comical and parody purposes and are not in any way meant to be offensive. Inspired by large by the game Dwarf Fortress.

The author of this blog is completely eligible to win the competition.

The author of this blog is not eligible to be sued by a huge company.
Alright I’m only kidding about the getting sued part.


A short, short, time ago, about five years ago a great expedition to the continent of Minecraftia began. A group of 7 dwarfs set out to begin their lives anew, in a dwarf fortress. The dwarfs being 1.5 meters tall (4.9ft). With enormous beards reaching the ground, two were ginger, and they had souls, two were blonde with blue eyes, and they weren't German, two were black haired, and they weren't Eastern European, and the last dwarf was brown haired. The brown haired dwarf, by the name of steve, was a noble dwarf. He wore a blue shirt and hand-made dwarven jeans. With a pair of two black leather shoes made from the rarest of all cow leathers. Steve called them all together and so they set off.

As they travelled through the open landscapes of Minecraftia and finally struck their first stone at the great Blockverst Mountain, Steve did absolutely nothing. He lay there in the fields of wheat, as the other dwarfs slaved away, digging into the mountain, creating great workshops, dining rooms, and digging deeper and deeper into a mountain. And as the news of the dwarf fortress spread, more and more settlers set out to join the effort. Posters hung around the fortress, "Uncle Steve Needs You!". Steve being the first noble at the fortress of course became the mayor, then as time went on the king and one and only ‘stefuhrer’ of the fortress.

However as time went on a great monster emerged, they call him 'The Creeper', mutated from the common ivy, creeper or any  plant that grows on walls, historians are not 100% sure. Whenever it sensed danger it imploded on itself, often sneaking up on unexpecting miners or hunters, always reappearing in a mythical way.

As the population of the fortress grew, also did the resistance and anger against Steve, and as the support against him fell, Steve decided something must be done. And so as he lay on his diamond bed, sipping a glass of wine, he finally got it. Eureka shouted Steve, I've got it! He figured out the only way to solve this problem, he would gather an army, a militia, and go to war against 'The Creeper'.

And so as the forces grew, 'The Creeper' also begun gathering an army of smaller creepers, of skeletons, zombies, spiders, and anything he came across. So they clashed.

As they clashed at the castle of Minecraftia, a location just outside the fortress, many fell, both dwarfs, and the axis forces. And as they wore on, sword against sword, arrow against arrow, axe against axe, Steve's army appeared to be winning! Skeleton skulls crumbled, spiders were stormed on, and zombies burned down. Victory seemed so close.

But turned out to be so far away...

'The Creeper' suddenly began rushing in, sweating pure blocks of TnT, crushing both his foes and friends alike, and stopped just before steve. A storm of arrows fell on him. Non penetrated his thick hide. But suddenly Steve felt something inside him, something special, a sense of destiny, and so he leaped of the tallest tower of his magnificent castle with his diamond sword drawn. Landing on 'The Creeper's' head he slashed at his head. A trapdoor opened. And Steve saw two cables. A blue one.A red one. It appeared that someone set Steve up the bomb! With sweat on his forehead he had to make a choice, he could hear the beeping of the bomb from within 'The Creeper'. He made up his mind.

He took his blue antidepressant pill, and cut the blue wire. "take the blue pill, the story ends" somehow the words appeared in his mind. And so the creeper blew up. The fortress collapsed miles into the earth. Dwarfs blown all over the world, once again having to set up new settlements. Steve flew, and flew, and flew and finally landed, still with his premium clothes on, but without anything else. Total amnesia haunted him. The story ends here, Steve wakes up.


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CreditVarious people who made the screenshots and images.

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