They all call me perfect. Perfect records, perfect looks, perfect manners... Yeah, that's me. At least... That's how I seem. My parents are practically stars. On the outside it looks like a blissful and beautiful relationship. In reality, it's horrible. They hate each other but can't divorce. Fighting everyday, breaking things, screaming at the top of their lungs, abuse... Yep, that's it. This is the story of the girl who fakes a smile on the outside and tries to look perfect, on the inside is broken girl who's completely different from how she seems.


I wake up. It's 7:20. School starts at 8. Usually, you'd think, "oh, plenty of time," right? Yeah, well, THEY have to be awake right now for their jobs. Day in and day out, it's constant screaming. I get ready pretty fast, around 10 minutes at least. You would think I would take around 2 hours, right? Well, no. I tip-toe past them as they try to hit each other and scream. I slip out the backdoor and start sprinting. ...Being in the track team in middle school has it's perks.

I make it to school right on time, just as usual. My friends greet me with a smile, and I smile back. ...Damn, this is tiring. Smiling all pretty like some perfect girl is so annoying. All I want to do is kick my legs up on this table and start texting him. But all I can do is keep on smiling like a little naive popular girl. I get through the day. Well, I've been through worse. I walk out of the school, but the second as I turn the corner I sprint for the stalls. I dig through my bag, and there it is. The clothes, the make-up, the brush... I feel the excitement running through me. I hate being like that, but it's only for school. And when school ends, I don't have to be like that. When I graduate, I can become someone else all the time. How I REALLY am. I step out of the stalls, and run straight to the crowds.

I slither through the crowds. I've done this so many times, so I know the way exactly. I turn a corner, and there it is. The poetry speak. That's what we call it. I smile to myself, and walk down the stairs. Everyone greets me and I greet them too. At the poetry speak everyone shares what they've written. Poetry, songs, stories, all of that. Everyone supports them. It's like my own escape. Where I can share my feelings and be away from my parents. There's a guy here I'm dating too. He's creative, beautiful, everything you could wish for. ...And he's a bit like me. I really love him. He's what keeps me sane besides the speak. I sit down next to him, and then it starts. Angelica, a regular, comes up to the stage. She makes poems.

"Hello!" Angelica calls out. You can hear all the replies from us like hey, hello, sup, etc.

"In the tallgrass,
there's someone I knew.

He's was beautiful,
cruel,
but kind.

I can still feel his fingers
tracing my back.

--

I close my eyes,
and there he is.

With the lilies to my waist,
we dance.
We cry, we talk, we touch.

And then,
we're gone.

Suddenly, he's with her,
and I'm with him.
We're not free anymore.
...I'm sorry."

We clap loudly. Hours past, more people sing and talk. I admire their talent. I come here to just listen sometimes. Today is one of those days. Soon, it's night. I sigh, the speak is going to close now. He ruffles my messy hair and smiles at me. I smile back. I turn, and walk back through the streets, alone. I head back to the stalls. I put on my plaid skirt, white blouse, and blue jacket. I put on my makeup and fix my hair. Why do I even bother trying to make myself look perfect in the first place? I'm scared, that's why. I can imagine the questions if I came back messy and in my sweats. "Why are you so messy?!" and "Your ruining our reputation!" I can almost hear them saying that. I can almost feel how they would hit me. I close and my eyes and look up. I'm back, I think. ...Great.

Wake up. Sneak out. Go to school. Change my clothes. Go to the poetry speak, then go home. Then I do it all over again. Everyday.
I keep up my parent's reputation, too. Ha, but it doesn't mean they stop fighting for even one second. For two days now my boyfriend hasn't came to the poetry speak. Today, I'm going to visit his apartment. It's strange because he isn't texting me either. ...Could he be cheating on me? That thought disappears fast. Of course not! After listening to everyone on the stage, I leave a bit earlier than usual. I change into my uniform because by the time I finish, it'll probably be late. Alright, done with my makeup and clothes. I walk over to his apartment. I knock on the door but no one comes. Is he not home? I open up my phone and call him. Well, I hear his phone ringing in there. Oh right! I have that spare key he gave me. I rummage through my bag and pull it out. I unlock the door and step into the apartment. ...I feel a sense of dread in my stomach. What's that sound... I run over to his room. And there, I see a horrifying sight. It was another girl in his bed, kissing him. They still had their clothes on, which is good, but he was running his hand all over her back. I feel really bad...

"Babe?" I choke the words out. I see the surprised look on his face.

"Amaya?!" he askes.

"Are you cheating me!?" I scream. I think I might throw up. I seriously might throw up. Oh my god. I need to get out of here!

"Wait, no, I can explain-" he tries to say.

"I don't want to hear your excuses!" I yell. I run towards the door, I don't think I can it. I saw the loving look in his eyes when he looked at me. The way he called my name. How he was so kind to me... Was it all a lie?

"She jumped on me-" he says.

"Me? You said you wanted me to come over because you didn't feel satisfied! Don't put the blame on me!" the girl interrupts. She jumps out of his bed and struts out the door. I look over at him.

"We're over!" I cry. Some girls might be fine with cheating, but I'm definitely not. I want him to look at me, and only me. With tears in my eyes, I run out of his apartment blindly. I don't know where I'm going. I don't wanna know. It's raining now. Are the skies feeling my pain too? The downpour is getting heavier by the minute. I don't want to go back to my house, or the poetry speak. Knowing that I spent all those amazing days in the speak with him while he could of been cheating on me all this time. When I look around, I realize I'm sitting next to a tree. What did I spent all those days loving him for if it was going to turn out like this? God... and now that I think about it, I'm so tired too... My eyes slowly flutter until I pass out like a light.


When I wake up, I'm still by the tree. I'm exhausted still. I have a water bottle in my backpack, so I splash the water on my face. Everything that happened yesterday is still fresh in my mind. Also, I'm impressed I didn't get robbed or worse. Ha, no point even trying to go back to the stalls or my house now. Screw responsibility. Screw reputation. Should I even try to go to school? Hehe, might as well not screw up all those years of trying to keep my attendance up now. I check my phone. It's 7:39. I get up and walk around. People stare at me as I walk down the streets. Well, of course they would. In a nice neighborhood, there's a girl with a shaggy uniform, messy hair, and a dripping face. By the time I reach school, it's already 8:15. I walk up to my classroom, and slam open the door. Everyone stares. I feel like some kid in those shows who always skip class and enter like this. I walk over to my seat and slump into it. I can hear the whispers that sprout across the class.



"...Ahem... Miss Amaya, can you explain why you were late?" he asks. Oh wow, I think. I can see the shock still on his face. How nice it'd be to seen that everyday.

"Oh, no, I wasn't even planning to come at all. Then I figured, "oh hey, better not ruin my attendance completely." I answer. Oh my god, the look on his face. It makes me want to start laughing so hard. Class goes on like usual, just with more stares of confusion.
Then, comes the time to give homework. ...Oh god, I forgot to do it because of yesterday... Wait, why do I care? The teachers walks up to me.

"Amaya, can you show me your homework?" he asks me.

"Sorry teach, my dog ate my homework." I say with a smirk. I still have that fluttery feeling of panic in my chest. What if I screw this up? What if I mess up my scholarship? What if I'm messing up my whole life by doing this? Should I take back my words? All these thoughts pass through my mind. I cancel them all out. I've always wanted to be free, haven't I? Remember those thoughts you had? Wanting to be yourself? Your doing it now so stop it!

"AMAYA!!" the teacher yells.

"Y-yes!?" I yelp. Oh shoot, I said that on reflex...

"Stop acting like this. Your being ridiculous." he says. He looks so mad.

"..." I'm not really sure what to say. He turns away and goes onto the next student. Then the next. And the next after that. Soon, school ends. I'm starting to wonder if I should go back to the way I was before. When I woke up, I felt so angry and wanted to change. Now by the end of the day, that resolve is gone. I should probably just go back to the kid I was before. I feel so conflicted. I want to just be myself, all day, everyday. In reality, I'm a messy girl. Getting the hang of makeup was hard. I leave everything around. If I didn't try to so hard to be perfect and keep up reputations, then I'd have very average grades and normal looks. On the other hand, I'm so used to acting so perfect. Concealing how I really am basically has became second nature. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm thinking about all this right as I'm reaching the school entrance. As I pass through the doors, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I got a feeling, it's a guy. I turn and gasp. ...Oh my god.


"Hey, sweetie..." a husky voice says. It's deep, quiet, and threatening. Oh... oh god. Oh my god. I need to get the hell out of here!! It's my dad. Every other emotion is just gone, all I feel is fear. He takes my hand and starts to drag me to his car. What do I do? Do I scream? Do I silently go with him? Wait, I'm already by the ca--.

--THUD!
He throws me into the car, I feel my back slam against the seat. Is no one going to help me?! ...Haha, of course not. Why would anyone help you? You made yourself look like some nutcase today. I feel the tears in my eyes. God, why am I doing this to myself...
He locks the door, and starts the engine. We sit in silence until we reach the house. My face is burning, but why is it burning? I try to convince myself, but I just... I don't know! We both step out of the car and he unlocks the door. My mother is standing by the door.

"What is with your appearance?!" she screams.
"I came to your school for an meeting, and I see you looking so haggard! What are you doing?!" my dad yells.
"YOU DIDN'T EVEN COME HOME LAST NIGHT!" my mother says. She practically spits in my face. The questions keep on coming. At some point, I tune their voices out. ...I'm just wondering why god gave me a life like this.

"--AYA!" my mother screechs.

"W-wha--" I try to say, but she slaps me across the face. She starts hitting me to the ground as I try to get her off me. My father still screams on and on about reputation and how perfect I should be. The beating lasts till I'm practically unconscious. It's hard to remember what happened after that, but they probably left. Probably went to drink with friends, or to do whatever.

When I finally slip into unconscious completely, I welcome it. It feels like a nightmare. It's the same nightmare I have everytime I'm beaten down like this. I'm sitting in a dark room, chained to a chair. The chains feel so uncomfortable, I know they'll leave marks on my hands if I ever get free. If, that is. I hear a voice call out many things. Things like, you will never have enough courage, and, why don't you fight back? It's my voice saying all of it. That makes it worse, honestly. "Perfection" has left a scar on my heart that will never close. It makes it hard to let someone truly get close. Even people at the speak, there's no one who was really close. And now that he's gone too, it hurts. He was like a shield from the pain, a getaway. Now my shield is gone and I have nothing left. ...I think, maybe... I should end my life. Maybe that would make it better. No one would miss me. It'd payback to my parents. Their reputation, ruined. Haha, I should. The voices are telling me to do it. I really should, shouldn't I?



When I finally regain consciousness, it's already 8. ...I know what to do. My parents probably already went to work, maybe they're still home. Who cares. I'm already in my uniform, so I get up, take a shower, put on some makeup, and go to school. Better look good for the last time, right?

By the time I reach school it's already the end of 1st period. I take a late pass and hand it to the teacher. Everyone looks a bit relieved, honestly. I sit down and just tune out the teacher. My last day here on earth, right? No need to listen. Just watching the sky. It feels kinda weird, just as time passes by I watch the dark clouds. By 5th period it starts to rain. The whole day, the teacher doesn't call me. A bit strange, I suppose, but that's fine. When school lets out and the club activities start, I'm going to go to the roof of the school. Then from there I'll jump off the roof. I watched those kids break into the roof. I'm pretty sure I remembered how to get onto there. Not that I ever even tried before, anyway. I know it's pretty loosely planned, but it's something. I want to do it in a public place. Just anything to ruin their reputation! I walk out of the classroom, but someone grabs my arm.

"Hey," a guy tells me. I turn around. Ugh, who was he? I forgot his name... Well, I guess it doesn't matter.

"Hello... Do you need something?" I ask.

"Oh, uhm... Sorry, no. I guess I got the wrong person." he says.

"I, uh... Well, I'll get going now." I reply. I start running up the stairs. Weird... I still feel that guy's eyes on my back. I speed up my pace a bit better. I run up the stairs. I pass a lot of people. The kids who smoke, band kids, popular people. Did I not notice how many people were here...? It felt so small in this school, but if I really look around there are so many people around here. Well... Guess it doesn't matter. I get to the top floor. At the top floor, there's a door that's locked which leads to the roof. You can unlock the door with some tricks. Not many people are at the top floor anyway, most people go there for a smoke or something. I try the trick the first time. Doesn't work. I try it a few more times.

--CLICK!
The door creaks open. I put the door back in place. No one else is here. That's good. I just stand there for a moment and let the rain drench me. You know, for some reason, I've came to take a liking to rain recently. It makes me feel like the skies feel how I do too.
--CLICK!
What...? Did the door just open? I turn around, and I see the guy from earlier there. Oh god... I start running for the edge. Now or never! I reach my hand out. I'm so close. So close! He wraps his arm around my stomach and throws me back. We both go flying backwards. I elbow him in the gut and start crawling for the edge again. Damn, this guy... His hair is sticking to his face and so is mine. The rain is just getting harder and it's getting more windy on top of that. I throw one hand off the edge, but then he grabs my leg and pulls me back.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I scream.

"I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU THAT!!" he yells.

"IT'S MY BUSINESS, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO STOP ME," I yell straight back at him. He doesn't know anything about me. He can't stop me!

"WELL, IT BECOMES MY BUSINESS IF YOUR TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF," he screams. My ears actually hurt from that one. He has such a loud voice... I kick around and start screaming at him. So does he. We keep on going, on and on. We keep punching each other. We keep fighting. At one point, I just... I don't know. I think I really did fall. I'm also pretty sure he did too. When I was falling, it felt so... frightening. So many emotions, but the pain in my chest really just overtook everything. I think I was holding his hand as I fell too. I could hear the screaming. I could hear the rain. And I could hear my heart. ...I was never really perfect from the start was I?



When I open my eyes, I'm surrounded by grey walls and plastic tubes. And yelling...?

"Amaya!?" a voice calls. Who's voice is it? It sounds so familiar but not at the same time... Who's Amaya?

"The patient woke up," one yells.

"Dear, do you know your name?" another calmly said.

God damn it, who are you people?! Stop touching me! ..Wait a second, what's my name? I have this dread in my stomach. Why can't I remember my name? Could it be Amaya like that woman was calling me? I have all my memories, but just... It's just like someone took an eraser and erased the names and faces of the people. Actually nevermind, a lot of things feel so foggy... I don't remember how I even got here! All I know is that I feel exhausted.

"...I don't know," I say to the air. I hear more whispering from them. I guess if I'm in a hospital then they're nurses... I hear them writing it down.

"Do you know how old you are?" she asks. How old I am? 40. Wait no, that's not right. 12...? Maybe I'm 30. I look down at my hands. They're not all wrinkly, so I guess I'm under 40.

"I don't know," I say in a monotone. I hear the sound of a pencil writing on paper again. I can't move my neck. It feels so WEIRD, I just want to move. They get up and say something to me. I don't know. I really just don't, okay?!? I'm hearing things like my partner is still in a coma, and that we're lucky to be alive.

Days go on with confusion. I can't eat so they feed me through tubes. I can't move so they strip me and clean me. It feels horrible. Having tubes down your throat and the feeling of being violated. During the days that go on, they tell me things. Like that my name is Amaya and that I'm 16. That I fell off a building with someone else. They say they think it was a suicide attempt. Also that my parents have been coming to see me while I was in the coma. That they're busy now so they can't visit me. At the mention of 'parents' I have a sour taste in my mouth and this hateful feeling in my mind.

Boring days pass by as I sit in the hospital, and soon the 'partner' I was with wakes up. Seems like he goes through the same thing as me. We don't know each other, the things of our memories feel all messed up. But we get along. So well actually that it's amazing. We like the same things, and I think he's so interesting. Noelani, that's his name. ...I think his name sounds beautiful. He said it sounded so girly, but I loved it anyway.

Soon we're released from the hospital, and we go back to school. Many people give me things and ask me if I'm okay. No one asks if Noelani is okay. When people try to befriend me I push them away. It felt like all of the people who said we used to be friends, they didn't feel like friends. I didn't like the feeling I have in this school. I always sit with Noelani in the back of the class. We dress messily, laugh, talk about a lot of things. I prefer to stay with him. He feels like a true friend.

"Hey, Amaya," Noelani says.

"What?" I reply.

"Why do you keep pushing away your old friends?" he asks me. His eyes show confusion and... something else. It's can't tell what it is, it's like a question of some sort.

"Well, the thing is..." I say quietly.

"...Wha-" he tries to ask me, but I interrupt him.

"They don't feel like they were friends! I just have this tired feeling when I look at them! I don't like it. It makes me wonder what my life was before the coma," I blurt out.

"Oh. I actually thought it was because you didn't want to make me feel lonely..." he says as he turns away. Oh my, his cheeks are a bit flushed. That's cute!

"Why would I do that? I'm not that nice, you know," I say playfully.

"Haha, that's right!" he snorts.

"Oh, you!." I yell as I jump towards him. I start to tickle him a bit and he starts laughing.

"H-hey, Amayaaa! Stoooop!" he tries to yell at me.

"Hahaha!" I laugh. We both lie down on my carpet. God, this is fun.

My parents didn't come back from whatever they were doing. They died in a plane crash. The plane had engine problems and it fell out of the sky and into the ocean. When I heard the 'juicy' news that the CEO's of one of the biggest companies in the world died, I felt relieved. More relief than pain, honestly. All the money they had went to me. I selled the mansion we had lived in. It was too big for one person to live in, and I always had this tight painful feeling in my chest whenever I was there. I moved into college dorms and started to date Noelani.

My major for college was Professional Writing and I graduated with my Bachelor of Arts. I became a writer for a many books. They became very popular. People always talked about that writer called Amaya Singh. And... you know... I married Noelani. Then I became Mrs. Amaya Kalani. I was always so joyful. So, in the spring of 2015, I gave birth to a little baby girl named Talia. The problems that had happened in our past, we forgot them. All we did was pursue to be happy.

So, I hope you know, the night rain and heavenly mist will always be with the rain from up above.


(**Hi, this is the end of Perfect? No, I'm me. Also, what I meant by the last line is that Amaya means night rain and Noelani means heavenly mist. Talia means rain from the heavens, so I ended up with that.)

Right now, I'm 31. Talia is a little angel, she's so cute! She's around 4 now. Though, sometimes she can be a bit of a pain. I work at my job at home because of her and hand my manuscripts through mail or I drive up there directly and give it to the higher ups.
I'm going to show you our wedding picture. I love it, when we got married I felt so free. All the pain I had felt like it had just left me. That probably seems very cheesy, but I like it. We called in a photographer to take professional pictures of us, and it turned out so beautiful....





Isn't it so pretty? It's amazing how the photographer did it!