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To Walk On.... -- A Mine Craft Short Story.

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avatar calebwiebolt11
Level 16 : Journeyman Architect
13
                             To Walk On....

 
Prolauge
 Sand. It's all I see in this place. I used to like sand, but that was a long time ago. The sand is in a flurry. Rampant winds, driving it into the air. Sandstorms are common in the Churoon Desert. The sand ripped at my body, making my face sting and go numb. The sun was setting and the horizon was slowly turning an orangish yellow as streaks of light bounced off the clouds. I was making my normal rounds around the Benson farm. Checking for intruders or encroaching Bendoin clans. I was about half way around the farm when I saw them. Four groups of Bendoin tents. Bendoins were a barbaric people. They were taught to fight at a very yong age and they were quite good at it to. Their camp was arranged in a symmetrical square shape with a roaring fire in the middle. A typical Bendoin camp. It was about 4 kilometers from the edge of the Benson farm. Their tracks indicated their direction. They were headed straight for the pass that lead to the farm, which was something I could not allow. I finished my trek around the farm and began to walk back to my small hovel. I would have to deal with the Bendoins in the morning.

Main






I woke early in the morning. After years and years of sleeping anywhere or in stressful situations, I had learned to wake up whenever I wanted to. I got out of my bed and looked out the window. The sun was just rising above the sandy mountains streaking beautifully across the sand. Time to deal with the Bendoins I thought as I went to my closet and put on a big brown robe. It was worn and much too big for me, however it concealed my features well fulfilling its purpose. I started to make my way towards the Bendoins camp. The sand was calm, unlike yesterday, and the landscape had changed considerably, mountains and dunes of sand shifting from one spot to another. It was something you got used to living in the desert. I made it to the Bendoin camp just as they were starting off. Circling around I made my way to the front of the caravan planning to intercept them at a small pass between the hills. I made it there just in time to see them rounding the bend behind me. I stood there, hood over my head, sword at my side as they approached. Their horses rode up to me, stopping just short of running me down. A tall Bendoin got off his horse and approached me slowly. He gave off an aura of confidence and strength. It was easy to tell that he was their leader. When he was within one meter of me, I straightened up and yelled “You Shall Not Pass!” in a deep voice. Some bendoins cringed back in fear others straightened up ready to fight. I had found out early on that the Bendoins were usually a very superstitious group of people. Their legends of an old desert hermit that foretold doom were too perfect of an opportunity, not to exploit. Their leader strode up to me and in the rough voice usual of a Bendoin said “We will go where we Please!”. I looked up at him and said “You have been warned,” as I quickly dashed up into the hills. The leader remounted his horse and the caravan continued their trek through the pass. I made it up the hill and sat there behind a rock waiting for my traps to go off. A few moments later crazed horses with terrified riders came galloping out of the pass running for their lives. There was no danger, of course. Just a few well-laid traps meant to scare the bendoins away. Once they where atleast thirty meters out I got up from my hiding place, and started back home.

Epilogue:

The darkness hung in the air. In the desert, it was easy to overlook the darkness beyond but it hung over me. The pain of my mistakes and the world I once knew showed on my face every day. It was always evident. It was always present and was always on my mind. This was my life now, to walk. To protect a baby girl that I may never see grow up. To feel the pain of my mistakes and regrets every day. To remember my friends who had died protecting a world that in the end I could not save. To mull over every moment of my life and to realize I did everything I could to change the outcome. To bear the burden of the broken world on my shoulders and to protect the future of the world with my hands, and to walk on.

Hey guys, Caleb here. I hope you have enjoyed my short story To Walk On. This story is an epilogue, but like all endings, it is the beginning of another story. This story is from my universe. If you know me, you know that when I first started minecraft I started an adventure map. After working on it for a long time I realized that it was too big of an undertaking for me to do alone. Soon I started a google doc filled with all my story ideas. Right now I have a super large google doc full of stories that all exist in the same universe.


Have Fun Guys,  And Remember, Always Keep Crafting...
~Caleb

Creditme, myself, i, and god
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  • starcatcher77
  • Level 13
  • Journeyman Architect
  • February 16, 2015, 9:03 am
Good job, as Pikamoar said there are a few errors. But overall it was a well written story that kept me interested for the 15 minutes it took me to read it.
Good job, diamond for you!
  • calebwiebolt11
  • Level 16
  • Journeyman Architect
  • February 16, 2015, 11:12 am
thanks
  • Punkamoar
  • Retired Moderator
  • Level 50
  • Grandmaster Gent
  • February 15, 2015, 10:53 am
Bad grammar, misspelled a lot of words, overall, not extremely rememberable.

Bedouins is spelled bedouins, not bendoins. Quite a few times you had run-on sentences, making the entire thing seem unprofessional, and rather dry to read.

I see a lot of spelling mistakes, and most of your sentences could be much better. Only capitalize words if there is a period in front of it, or if it's a proper noun. Yelling had no right to be capitalized.

It's actually not that bad, just could be improved quite a bit.

(please don't think me mean, I just spoke what I thought. Sugar-coating doesn't help someone get better)
  • calebwiebolt11
  • Level 16
  • Journeyman Architect
  • February 15, 2015, 11:10 am
We can all have our own opintions. As for Bendoins, they are a myhtical people i came up with therefore that is spelt right. Grammar has and never will be my strong suit I reconize that same with spelling. I ran the story through a spell checker serveal times and resolved the isuse that where found so I am quite suprised by the "I see a lot of spelling mistakes".
  • Punkamoar
  • Retired Moderator
  • Level 50
  • Grandmaster Gent
  • February 15, 2015, 2:22 pm
Alright, putting grammar aside, it was actually kinda enjoyable.

And I was counting "bendoins" multiple times.
Alot of my storys are ment to be expirenced rather then read, because they where origonaly meant for an adventure map. My goal with this story was to just introduce my world. To get people asking questions, and to improve my writing skills. I do appreciate the constructive criticism.
  • Punkamoar
  • Retired Moderator
  • Level 50
  • Grandmaster Gent
  • February 15, 2015, 6:20 pm
One thing I would definitely recommend is to get better at spelling and grammar. It makes it seem so much better than using spell-check. Also, your actual sentences could be positioned much better. You use them almost to state a fact, which tends to derogatize the actual storyline. Take for instance:

Sand, it's all I see in this place. I used to like sand, but that was a long time ago. The sand is in a flurry, and rampant winds, drove it into the air. 

You really make it sound more like a children's book, instead of something that would appeal to the crowd on this site.

(still trying to be helpful, apologies if I'm not)
  • calebwiebolt11
  • Level 16
  • Journeyman Architect
  • February 15, 2015, 10:41 am
What did you think?
Regardless of what...some others...have said so far, I think it was a very good story. Sure, there were some grammatical errors--as Pikamoar so eloquently put it--but I think that a story is less about grammar and more about emotions. I, for one, got plenty of that from that story. I can tell you tried your best and that's really all that matters.
Also, it has taken all of my will to not correct the sentences he wrote while talking to you.

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