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" 'With Wings I Fall' by Catloaf" Review

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avatar SpideyBoi
Level 15 : Journeyman Dragonborn
27
First off, here's the story:

Ayla woke up- All she could remember was falling, falling, falling. She looked around in awe- it seemed like she was on a cloud. Then she saw a mysterious boy walking up to her. "Where are you.. From?" the boy asked, reaching out his hand. After a moment she took it hesitantly. Everything seemed a little bit fuzzy. She was silent. It seemed as though she couldn't speak, so he had answered for her. "Okay, you're from.. Mars?" He suddenly declared, after thinking a while. "Pfhh- must have hit your head HARD. Funny.. Though, because we're standing on clouds." The girl stood in awe. "So what's your name? I'm Jid." he asked, grinning. "I- I." she paused a moment, stuttering. "Ayla. Pleased.. To meet you!" She started to fall over, but then the boy grabbed her again, quickly. "Oh, pleased to meet you!" she mumbled again. The boy laughed, saying, "You just said that." She scratched her head, puzzled. "I.. Oh." she looked embarrassed and awkwardly giggled a little. The boy then announced, "We should get you to the mainland." She blinked twice, and then murmured, "What is this.. "Mainland'?" She paused, then shouted, "Where ARE WE even?" She looked troubled, even if she didn't quite remember where she used to be, or where she was from. She'd let out an frustrated sigh, shaking her head.


Pros
Cons
•Descriptive
•Prologue non-existent or was not descriptive enough
•Introduces characters•No description given as to what the characters look like

Here's my edit on Catloaf's story:
Ayla woke up- All she could remember was falling, falling, falling. She looked around in awe- it seemed like she was on a cloud. Then she saw a mysterious boy with smooth, dark hair walking up to her. "Where are you.. From?" the boy asked, reaching out his hand. After a moment she took it hesitantly. Everything seemed a little bit fuzzy. She was silent. It seemed as though she couldn't speak, so he had answered for her. "Okay, you're from.. Mars?" He suddenly declared, after thinking a while. "Pfhh- must have hit your head HARD. Funny.. Though, because we're standing on clouds." The girl stood in awe. "So what's your name? I'm Jid." he asked, grinning. "I- I." she paused a moment, stuttering. "Ayla. Pleased.. To meet you!" She started to fall over, but then the boy grabbed her again, quickly. "Oh, pleased to meet you!" she mumbled again. The boy laughed, saying, "You just said that." She scratched her head, puzzled. "I.. Oh." she looked embarrassed and awkwardly giggled a little. The boy then announced, "We should get you to the mainland." She blinked twice, and then murmured, "What is this.. 'Mainland' ?" She paused, then shouted, "Where ARE WE even?" She looked troubled, even if she didn't quite remember where she used to be, or where she was from. She'd let out an frustrated sigh, shaking her head.
CreditCatloaf, Purrr and Laur for their story "With Wings I Fall"
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  • Book_Cat
  • Level 1
  • New Explorer
  • January 8, 2019, 1:40 pm
Also, you already left a "review" ("This story is great! Keep it up, it's pretty interesting! (You have permission to use this as a review, 'kay?") so, again, take this down.
  • Catloaf
  • Level 15
  • Journeyman Dragon
  • January 11, 2019, 1:32 pm
Can you PLEASE TAKE IT DOWN IT'S BEEN FIVE DAYS.
  • Book_Cat
  • Level 1
  • New Explorer
  • January 8, 2019, 1:34 pm
For goodness sake, just take it down. All you even changed was "a mysterious boy with smooth, dark hair"
PLUS, you don't even know what our characters in our story looks like. Take it down. All three of us are very much asking you to do, and we are the authors, and we wrote the book, so you have no right to keep this up.
  • Catloaf
  • Level 15
  • Journeyman Dragon
  • January 8, 2019, 1:35 pm
Yes, we did not give you permission, thus you should have not done this. You should have asked us before and then this could all have been avoided. And.
Please take it down.
  • SpideyBoi
  • Level 15
  • Journeyman Dragonborn
  • January 8, 2019, 11:27 am
Uh, sorry. I'm just not that good at reviews yet.
  • Catloaf
  • Level 15
  • Journeyman Dragon
  • January 8, 2019, 1:28 pm
We want you to take it down. Please do so.
  • GoldRozes
  • Level 1
  • New Network
  • January 7, 2019, 3:11 pm
I am Laur (one of the 3 editors ;p) (Laurie)
I thank you for your recommendations, but as we have said, we
A) weren't done with it
and
B) It has been edited, therefore the 'story' you put as ours is no longer relevant.

We thank you for your 'review' but we aren't very keen of you reposting the story and not 'reviewing' the story and rather criticizing and editing it.

So uh
yea
not a pissy "I hAtE yOU tAKe iT dOwn" but rather an explanation of our views.
...Thanks, Laur ♥
♠♣♥♦

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