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My Book(WARNING: Unedited, and it has no name.)

2 emeralds17 replies409 views
created 06/17/2019 5:22 pm by Iron_Works history
last reply 07/29/2019 2:25 pm
Spoiler
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Iron_Works
Level 10 : Journeyman Blacksmith
6

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17 replies

1
07/29/2019 2:25 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Pokemon
JediJerboa
Just thought I’d check back here to see if anything was updated. I’m glad to see you’ve started to break up your dialogue with quotations into nice coherent chunks. Keep up the good work!
4
07/09/2019 6:57 amhistory
Level 23 : Expert Blockhead
Nitwick
"I do not like negative feedback". Horrible attitude. Yes, that was negative feedback. Sue me.
4
07/03/2019 3:46 pmhistory
Level 32 : Artisan Pokemon
JediJerboa
Hey there! I decided to read through some of your writing, however it was a bit hard with the awkward spacing (Remember to indent your paragraphs!). Anyway, I do have a few critiques here and there.

Let's start off with probably the biggest issue. There is a lot of what I like to call "gaps in logic." Gaps in logic occur when you do not define certain things about your characters or talk about their surroundings. Introducing names and giving character descriptions really helps make characters seem alive and relatable. You also want to look the appearance of a character. James didn't seem to get a good description of his physical traits, making it hard to define who he really is.

Another thing you may want to do is define who is speaking in dialogue. By not separating who is speaking and not using quotation marks, it's hard to tell what is going on and can also lead to gaps in logic. Make sure to also use another speaking verb when another person comes into the dialogue. Also, when a character is thinking something to themselves, be sure to use italics to show it is not being said aloud.
I also found that you might be writing more than you need to. You seem to repeat yourself often, slowing down the story and reducing the action. For example, this group of fragments:
"It had great wings that had black scalic. It had a claw at the end of each wing. It had four legs with bulging muscles in them. It had paws but with claws like a cat. It had a tail that was slimy but look"

If I were to rewrite this, I would put, "The creature's great wings were covered in coal black scales, each ending in a sharp claw. Its four legs bulged with muscle of untold power. It had the dainty paws of a cat, yet bore the long claws of a lion. Its tail was slimy, looking like the beast had dipped it into a cesspool."

This way, you form a more clear image, making this beast more magnificent and imposing. I also want you to look at my word choice, sentence structure, and use of literary devices, which brings me to my next point.

Your use of descriptive words and use of literary devices is a bit lacking, often resulting in an unclear image. In helping with your word choice, the thesaurus is your best friend. My best example is getting different words to replace red: scarlet, crimson, blood-red, and carmine. Using synonyms in speech is also extremely important, as you cannot use 'said' over and over since it takes away the emotion. If someone is angry, use words like snarl (this is especially good when describing an enraged beast). If someone is happy, use words like grin. I can go on and on about this, but that's another thing you need to watch out for: syntax.

Syntax refers to sentence structure. Like I said before, your sentences were a bit choppy and needed to be merged together. However, short sentences aren't always a bad thing. Short sentences coupled with one word sentences can make for tense and fast action. Here's an example:

I called out to her. Nothing. I screamed her name. Still no response.

Shortening your sentences can help make action move quickly. On the opposite end of the spectrum, longer sentences slow down the movement, allowing for more detail. I tend to use this when showing a character's emotions during a fight. You can also do this when a character is staring at something, describing what they are looking at. I'll give you another example:

I gazed over the fields, watching as the serfs they toiled their lives away. They harvested every head of grain that they saw like automated machines, desperately hoping that their lord would be generous and spare them some extra food for the coming winter.

I believe I glazed over literary devices, so let us go over that. Literary devices like metaphor and simile are very important in world building. You need to give your audience a reference point in order to better grasp what they are looking at. Imagery is also part of this category, which you need in order to make a very detailed picture. You need to appeal to the senses to make the world seem real. Make sure to at least use all five just for variety. Onomatopoeia also seems to be prevalent in your story with the word "AEIGH." When using onomatopoeia, it is important that you italicize it and use an exclamation point. I also have something to say about this word.

This word is causing a logic gap since I don''t know what it means. It also seems to be used in every spell James casts. Preferably, there should be a bit more variety in the spells he knows if he is indeed a high wizard. Anyway, onto my final bit.

There is of course the obligatory grammar, spelling, and punctuation mistakes. I already talked about distinguishing who is speaking and using proper quotations, but I have spotted a few more mistakes. You sometimes do not use question marks when questions are being asked. There are also a few capitalization errors, with the beginning of sentences and characters' names not being capitalized. There are some spacing issues along with incorrect spelling. I believe I even spotted some random numbers in it somewhere.

I want to leave you with one final message: Do not be afraid to go back and edit. Many of the best writers go through multiple revisions before they are satisfied with their final project. I actually did something similar recently, as my latest story blog here is a complete rework of a blog I did 3 years ago. It actually made me feel proud of both blogs.

I'm sure you do not want to read through all of this so if you have any questions, feel free to PM me for help!
3
07/09/2019 6:56 am
Level 23 : Expert Blockhead
Nitwick
Please note that the spacing is actually the platform's fault, as PMC very badly handles copy + paste from other word processors. It would be extremely tedious to fix it line by line, though it would certainly help.
2
07/09/2019 10:02 amhistory
Level 32 : Artisan Pokemon
JediJerboa
What I would have done was put it in a Google Doc and set it to only view when sharing it. That way you avoid the spacing issue. Besides, running the sci-fi thread for over 3 years shows that copy-paste is fine if you take it bit by bit.

Still, was any of my advice helpful to you? It’s not just for Iron_Works.
3
07/09/2019 10:49 am
Level 23 : Expert Blockhead
Nitwick
That is very true; a bit of effort makes what I write no true excuse, though I believe it was not an intentional error in the sense of what he wrote before pasting it here.

To be frank, I didn't gain very much, but that is because I have a background in both casual writing and more extensively in paragraph play by post roleplaying, where those elements are, if not always followed, at least in awareness. I consider worldbuilding to be the field I can actively put up a good showing in, but really, all of those elements are linked. Regardless, your points are all useful tidbits that every elementary writer should be exposed to, and good reminders even for more seasoned ones. At the end of the day you are portraying a vision, and it is imperative to express it clearly, with enough details to allow the reader to imagine it, without being overly specific and 'killing' that vision with detail. Ironic considering my style of posting, but I digress.

It leaves me all the more disappointed when the attitude is "I don't like negative feedback", a #1 killer of prospective writers.
1
07/09/2019 12:36 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Pokemon
JediJerboa
Indeed. I’m thinking about creating more in-depth guides on other worldbuilding areas that many people struggle with. I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with creature creation.

As for the length... Yeah. I pretty much spewed back too much info, making it hard to digest. I can probably consult my old notes and make it a bit easier.

As for the Google Docs, it’s good reference for the future and keeps things more organized. I swear I almost cried when I was finally able to get all my sci-fi writing organized after the removal of the search function.

Anyway, thanks for advice! I shall definitely make changes for the future!
2
07/09/2019 8:06 pm
Level 23 : Expert Blockhead
Nitwick
By length I was more commenting on my own writing, though making your content more efficient while still retaining the point is always helpful. Feel free to put guides together, I can critique them, discuss them, or whatever else as desired should you want an alternative look. Docs is indeed quite useful for writing of various sorts, and is a responsive enough platform.
3
07/03/2019 4:00 pm
Level 42 : Master Pixel Puncher
Indraft
stuck it in a spoiler because it looked like a spam thread from a glance
3
07/03/2019 4:02 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Pokemon
JediJerboa
Didn't even know mods could do that.
3
06/18/2019 10:45 am
Level 37 : Artisan Fish
CHorse
Dear bacon lord, do this on a blog!

But just to note, off the bat you start off relatively bad,. The idea with a beginning is not to lore dump, but to make it so the reader wants to read more. Needless to say, I read 3 paragraphs and immediately dropped it because so far it's just cliche unimaginative storytelling with the typical 'dark vs light' struggle and 'wizzersss' story line. What you probably want to do is one of 3 things, and hopefully a lot of em:

-establish tone
-establish motivations/character
-create intrigue

I would focus on the last piece there, because right now this story just told me there's a fire wizard who has amnesia which would be great sorta if you hadn't already dumped exposition that clarified this. Amnesia will just get in the way and become repetitive. And find a way to make your story stand out from the countless others, and leave the expo dump til later.
1
06/18/2019 10:51 am
Level 10 : Journeyman Blacksmith
Iron_Works
honestly, the amnesia doesn't stay throughout the entire story. expo dump is for a reason, reason being if I didn't, it would be too confusing. Thirdly the story isn't all dark vs light as you put it and if you would've read more you would see that. Fourthly, this story is from an omniscient point of view, so... expo dump is kind of expected. lastly, I do not like negative feedback, especially when you have no idea what your talking about.

thank you, come again.
3
07/03/2019 8:50 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Wolf Whisperer
GoggleD0GG
“I do not like negative feedback”

b r u h then why you asking for feedback. no one likes hearing negative feedback but constructive criticism is important to improving.
3
07/03/2019 3:55 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Pokemon
JediJerboa
I mean, I have to agree that this would be better suited to a blog and it does get confusing at times. Since amnesia is present, it would be a lot better to slowly build up the lore with his flashbacks.

I also want to mention you have two chapters labeled three.
3
06/18/2019 12:42 pm
Level 37 : Artisan Fish
CHorse
Expo dumps should be made more gradual, alright cool if it's that, it's no excuse to just dump it unexpertisedly onto unsuspecting readers. and yeah I do have an idea of what I'm talking about; if you manage to deter me in just 3 paragraphs thennn we need fixin:

and also I read the first chapter and my opinion's not changed :L actually if you want I can create a blog to critique it a bit so you can improve.
1
06/17/2019 5:50 pm
Level 14 : Journeyman Button Pusher
TentorIV
Honestly, you have a creative mind. I enjoyed it. I understand it's unedited, but some speech in the second chapter is missing speechmarks, just confused me a little bit haha. All in all, it was great. Good work!
1
06/18/2019 9:52 am
Level 10 : Journeyman Blacksmith
Iron_Works
thanks! I love getting positive feedback, I just realized that it did not paste in the entire book. check back later and it should be much larger. to give an example on just how large the book is... the document on word for it is over 160 pages long. it took months and months of work. thank you again for your positive feedback! :3

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