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Excerpt from my story "Dragon Eye"
Platydroid
revenge_racer
Hello friends, It's the platypus again, this time with a story!
So I have been working on a story/book recently, and it's close to being done (!!!). I decided I want to know from someone other than friends and family how my writing style is. So, here is an excerpt from my book!
Martiv turned his angled head towards the sun as he and his companions traveled ever farther from their mountainous homeland. The sky was beginning to take on an orange hue as the day came to a close, and the great burning star in the heavens fell further and further towards the horizon. But the day’s end did not mean the end of the day; quite the contrary, in fact. His prey would be much more active in these later hours than they would under the beating rays of the sun. The dusk would provide his company solace from the sunbeams that would otherwise alert all prey of their existence. No, the setting sun was a friend welcoming his party to a hunt under the cover of night, one which they would accept with vigor and savage. With this thought in his mind, Martiv snorted out a hackling chuckle, and turned his eyes back onto the sprawling forest beneath them. He adjusted his wings and tail as the temperature began to drop, noting the subtle changes in the air that made flying a challenge as much as it was a thrill.
Yes, it was a good day to be a dragon.
So, comment below on what you think of my writing, how good of a hook this is, yada yada. Thanks! STAY TUNED AND WATCH OUT FOR A BOOK LIKE THIS!!!
By the way, this is unedited.
So I have been working on a story/book recently, and it's close to being done (!!!). I decided I want to know from someone other than friends and family how my writing style is. So, here is an excerpt from my book!
Martiv turned his angled head towards the sun as he and his companions traveled ever farther from their mountainous homeland. The sky was beginning to take on an orange hue as the day came to a close, and the great burning star in the heavens fell further and further towards the horizon. But the day’s end did not mean the end of the day; quite the contrary, in fact. His prey would be much more active in these later hours than they would under the beating rays of the sun. The dusk would provide his company solace from the sunbeams that would otherwise alert all prey of their existence. No, the setting sun was a friend welcoming his party to a hunt under the cover of night, one which they would accept with vigor and savage. With this thought in his mind, Martiv snorted out a hackling chuckle, and turned his eyes back onto the sprawling forest beneath them. He adjusted his wings and tail as the temperature began to drop, noting the subtle changes in the air that made flying a challenge as much as it was a thrill.
Yes, it was a good day to be a dragon.
So, comment below on what you think of my writing, how good of a hook this is, yada yada. Thanks! STAY TUNED AND WATCH OUT FOR A BOOK LIKE THIS!!!
By the way, this is unedited.
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I personally like it a lot!
First, overall writing Critique:
I do like it, and contrary to what danovich said, maybe it could use a little extra describing to really let the reader paint a picture in their mind. Then again, this depends on where it's at in the story, wouldn't do a lot of describing at the start, but if this is somewhere after the first 4-5 pages, a little more describing of their environment might help. Up to you, though, just my 2 cents.
Grammar and stuff:
Although, "did not mean the end of the day; quite contrary, in fact" I'm fairly sure that this is incorrect, remember a semicolon can only be used to separate two phrases that could be sentences on their own. (might be wrong about that, though...) Also, "it was a good day to be a dragon", sounds just a little cliche... Maybe it's just me, though.
Very awesome, been waiting to read a GOOD dragon-based novel for a while, the only one that I've read and really enjoyed was Dragon Rider, if this is anything similar I want a copy the day you finish
First, overall writing Critique:
I do like it, and contrary to what danovich said, maybe it could use a little extra describing to really let the reader paint a picture in their mind. Then again, this depends on where it's at in the story, wouldn't do a lot of describing at the start, but if this is somewhere after the first 4-5 pages, a little more describing of their environment might help. Up to you, though, just my 2 cents.
Grammar and stuff:
Although, "did not mean the end of the day; quite contrary, in fact" I'm fairly sure that this is incorrect, remember a semicolon can only be used to separate two phrases that could be sentences on their own. (might be wrong about that, though...) Also, "it was a good day to be a dragon", sounds just a little cliche... Maybe it's just me, though.
Very awesome, been waiting to read a GOOD dragon-based novel for a while, the only one that I've read and really enjoyed was Dragon Rider, if this is anything similar I want a copy the day you finish
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looks good,
try not to over describe things, it takes some of the momentum out of the piece. dont get me wrong, for this piece it is good, since you are describing the world.
the style itself is nice, reading it gives a mental picture of what is happening. good writing should do that;)
try not to over describe things, it takes some of the momentum out of the piece. dont get me wrong, for this piece it is good, since you are describing the world.
the style itself is nice, reading it gives a mental picture of what is happening. good writing should do that;)
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Le bump
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...Bump...
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its awesome 10/10!
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Awesome. Seriously. Reminds me of how I write. I don't mean to take over your thread, but I just want your opinion on my writing. You seem to be good at it too. http://knighthood68.wordpress.com/
Don't read the first part unless you want the story. The writing is much better in the last 5-8 weeks.
Don't read the first part unless you want the story. The writing is much better in the last 5-8 weeks.
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Thanks! This kind of comment really makes my day.
As far as your story goes, it seems to be going along really well for the kind of story you are telling. And trust me, I know what it feels like to look back on my past work and realize how immature my writing was. This was my 3rd attempt at my beginning!
As far as your story goes, it seems to be going along really well for the kind of story you are telling. And trust me, I know what it feels like to look back on my past work and realize how immature my writing was. This was my 3rd attempt at my beginning!
