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Can anyone give me feedback on my work?

1 emerald5 replies114 views
created 12/29/2012 5:34 am by colourfool
last reply 12/29/2012 6:02 am
Title says all. I saw this guy do it so I wanted to do it too.

You can download it here.


Evelyn Myers screamed.
“Get away from me!” she shouted at him. The man paid her pleas no attention. Evelyn lay paralyzed at a corner, unable to move from fright.
He suddenly pulled out a razor-sharp knife and crept menacingly closer to her. Finally gathering her courage, Evelyn grabbed a vase at threw it at him.
Evelyn managed to hit him on the head.
The man doubled over and collapsed. Seeing her chance for survival, Evelyn bolted for the door.
“Help me!” she cried out to the wind, hoping someone could hear her. She turned back to the house to check on him, to see if he was still unconscious.
To her absolute horror, no one was there.
Scared out of her wits, she ran towards the living room phone. As Evelyn picked up the phone, the man sneaked up on Evelyn.
Evelyn dialed 911 quickly.
“Good Evening. How may I help you?” the operator asked.
“There’s a man with a knife stalking me here!” Evelyn screamed at the phone. “I want police here right now!”
“Hold on ma’am. May we ask for your address?” the operator replied.
“It’s at---“ Evelyn began to reply. The man suddenly grabbed Evelyn and threw her on the ground.
“Hello ma’am?” The operator repeated. “Hello?”
That was the last thing the operator had asked before a bloodcurdling scream rang out.

Chapter 1

Moonlight filtered through the patches on the curtain, creating patterns on the wall as Lucian Gray lay wide awake on his bed.
He’d been working for Mr. Nicholas DuValle, a famous detective, for five years. He’s been a loyal assistant to him, and Mr. DuValle had trusted him throughout all those years. Mr. DuValle had been his mentor and adviser, and Lucian trusted him too.
Lucian looked over at his digital clock. He saw it was already two A.M. Then it hit him, he needed to get some sleep. Lucian forced himself to try and fall asleep, but he just couldn’t. He felt something was bothering him.
For heaven’s sake. It’s past two o’clock and here I am wide awake. He thought. Despite all of the thoughts that were running through his head like a wild waterfall, he tried again to fall asleep.
Finally, it seemed that Mr. Sandman managed to get to him tonight as Lucian felt his eyelids droop and indulge himself into a black nothingness.

The sky was overcast and dark clouds hung loosely in the morning air. A cold breeze blew through the window pane as Lucian checked his bedside clock.
It’s still 6 o’clock. No wonder everything was so quiet. Lucian thought.
Lucian got up and went to his kitchen. There, Lucian sluggishly proceeded on brewing his morning coffee.
Lucians mind was still a flowing waterfall when the phone rang, loud and clear, interrupting Lucian’s thoughts.
“Is this Mr. Gray?” asked the voice on the phone.
“Yes” Lucian replied.
“Oh, good morning Mr. Gray, this is Mr. DuValle’s new secretary.” She replied. “Mr. DuValle wishes to see you at his office at seven.”
Seven? That’s an hour from now. Couldn’t it wait? Lucian thought.
“Of course.”
“Thank you for your time Mr. Gray” she said. Then she hung up.
Lucian started to think that it could all just be nothing, but he felt that there was something wrong. Normally, Mr. DuValle expects him at the office nine thirty. He only ever gets up when it’s urgent.
Or, when there’s something very wrong. Lucian thought.
On that note, Lucian quickly dressed, bolted for the door, grabbing his car keys on the way, hastily climbed into his car and stomped on the gas.

Chapter 2
Mr. DuValle looked at his watch hastily. He saw it was almost seven o’clock and Lucian still wasn’t here.
Where could he be? Mr. DuValle thought nervously. He has to be here NOW!
He began pacing the room when the door opened.
“Mr. DuValle!” Lucian greeted him. ‘What’s the matter?”
“Oh Lucian.” Mr. DuValle replied. “We have a case here. A hard one.”

I still have to continue Chapter 2 so, just wait!
Posted by avatar
Level 22 : Expert Skinner

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5 replies

12/29/2012 6:02 am
Level 32 : Artisan Mountaineer
No problem. Let me know if you need anything else. I might be able to give you a sample of the story I'm working on, to give you ideas and such.
12/29/2012 5:51 am
Level 32 : Artisan Mountaineer
I only read the prologue so far, and I gotta point some things out. First of all, the character's name, Evelyn, is repeated a little more than is needed. Since the only two people specified are a man and a woman, and the Man's name remains undefined, you can substitute Evelyn for simpler pronouns.
For example:
Evelyn grabbed a vase and threw it at him. She managed to hit him on the head.

Also, the prologue, as well as the first chapter, are very short. For a prologue that doesn't really seem to be a prologue, but the chapters should be much longer.

It's 4 am my time, so I'm off to bed, but I can help critique further tomorrow if you need.
12/29/2012 5:56 am
Level 22 : Expert Skinner
Nice review. Thanks!
12/29/2012 5:43 am
Level 45 : Master Lad
Its an interesting style. I like it. Some parts don't make a lot of sense though. Try and make your wording more clear. I like horror games and movies, but there aren't many good horror authors. But you could quite well, one day, become a professional horror writer.
12/29/2012 5:49 am
Level 22 : Expert Skinner
Thanks for telling me!

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