forum Forumsplay_arrow Discussions fiber_manual_record General

1

Funny jokes wanted

1 emerald92 replies2,464 views
created 08/29/2014 8:02 pm by minerguy31
last reply 09/10/2014 7:58 pm
I'm adding random jokes to mcsearch! I prefer jokes that are short and one line. Q&A jokes usually don't make it. Take a look at the progress here: http://mcsearch.comule.com/index.php
You can also look at all the splashes possible at: http://mcsearch.comule.com/splashes.html

Thanks for any help!
Posted by avatar
minerguy31
Level 67 : High Grandmaster Programmer
71

92 replies

1
09/10/2014 7:58 pm
Level 67 : High Grandmaster Programmer
minerguy31
avatar
cmon, really? im barely past 200 of em. Please submit multiple in one post for a) easy copy+paste b) so this thread doesnt become too long.
1
09/10/2014 7:53 pm
Level 67 : High Grandmaster Programmer
minerguy31
avatar
buuump.
1
09/07/2014 3:56 pm
Level 16 : Journeyman Scribe
TheLadyAesthetic
avatar
Dude, read my joke books on Wattpad, they're FULL of various and random jokes!

http://www.wattpad.com/story/16162416-% ... s%E2%98%86

http://www.wattpad.com/story/18169478-% ... 2%E2%98%86
1
09/07/2014 3:19 pm
Level 67 : High Grandmaster Programmer
minerguy31
avatar
There are 3 types of people: the handsome, the generous, and the majority.
1
09/07/2014 3:03 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Button Pusher
Mercer
avatar
"Did you hear the joke they don't tell to dumb people?"
"no"
1
09/07/2014 1:47 pm
Level 41 : Master Architect
HalfDayCraftDay
avatar
Why does Snoop Dog have an umbrella..........
Fo Drizzle!
1
09/07/2014 2:42 pm
Level 34 : Artisan Princess
Skeltal
avatar
that joke is fo' show bro.
1
09/07/2014 1:41 pm
Level 29 : Expert Mage
The Silver Paladin
avatar
I'm posting these two again:
Did you hear about the dyslexic cult member? He worshiped Santa
And
Did you hear about the tailor in the same cult? He worshiped Satin.
1
09/07/2014 1:41 pm
Level 49 : Master Dragonborn
luigi_vampa
avatar
1
09/07/2014 1:38 pm
Level 67 : High Grandmaster Programmer
minerguy31
avatar
any more?
1
09/07/2014 12:57 pm
Level 1 : New Explorer
EdgyTheEdgeHog
avatar
Why did sally fall off the swing. Because she has no arms XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
1
09/07/2014 12:55 pm
Level 67 : High Grandmaster Programmer
minerguy31
avatar
bumpzz
1
09/07/2014 11:42 am
Level 17 : Journeyman Network
bobbiecraftstoday123
avatar
What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !



Comebacks

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.

If you had another brain, it would be lonely.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.


He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.

You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
1
09/07/2014 11:35 am
Level 67 : High Grandmaster Programmer
minerguy31
avatar
All jokes so far (brace for impact):
[Insert code here!]
Now with splashes, just like minecraft!
Banners of every likeness!
Splashes brought to you by PHP!
Your Source of Minceraft Resources!
1010 is 10!
Requires 37 and a half batteries!
I am a stegosaurous!
Windows is better than Mac, but Linux is better than Windows!
You paid more for the name Apple than the actual computer when it comes to Macs!
I'm a Mac!
Ding fries are done!
New splash every time!
if(!party){party.commence();}
The only thing I use BING for is to search Google.
Many things are like air conditioners; they stop working if you open WINDOWS.
More coming soon!
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.
69% Percent of people will find something wrong with this sentence.
Site powered by Sphider!
LOL 69!
Enjoy your world <font size=1>(of warcraft)</font>!
Subscribe for more!
Apache Hadoop!
<a href="javascript:;" alt="Pointless Link">Pointless link</a>
Shiny red button!
L33T 15 AW3S0M3!
20% less calories than before!
Cash; an endangered species!
Beware the big white face!
You're not safe in Aperture!
#RandomHashtagGenerator
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
The Onion: Standard deviation no longer enough for perverted statistician.
Saved on 2014-08-28 12:10:00 using mode FTP_ASCII
69% Percent of people will find something wrong with this sentence.
Until 1961 it was illegal to attempt suicide in the UK. The punishment was death.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Me has that bestest grammers ever.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, and a crab with a whale for a daughter; The directors of Spongebob were obviously drunk.
Children in the backseat can cause accidents; Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
"On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite color in the alphabet?"
The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop...
Reload the page for a REAL <font size=1>(hopefully)</font> joke.
I was just sitting around, doing nothing, when I was arrested for impersonating the President.
Old Foggy Hit I will!
Stop, Hammertime!
CLAPPING:(verb)Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.
Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski?
When the person you hate the most falls down, you ask the ground if its okay.
What kind of genius came up with the idea of the Xbox 1?
If someone asks you to spell "part A" backwards, don't do it. It's a Trap.
Wait until Half Life 3 comes out.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick it up and put it back in my toy chest.
Note to self: Its time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to note: Shut up.
Easier to not go outside than to put on sunscreen.
World war 2 could have been prevented, if only someone had given Hitler a snickers.
I'm dressing as a democrat this Halloween. I'm going to take all of the kids candy and give it to the kids who were too lazy to go.
Suddenly, pineapples.
Walmart Logic: Lets put in 30 cash registers and only keep 3 open!
Costco Logic: Lets put in 30 cash registers and only keep 3 closed!
The Milky Way Galaxy - A peaceful place.
Randomness: 龘!
Exit 497!
Behold!
Completely free!
42, the answer to life, the universe, and everything!
We want Faithful x4096!
3.14159265358979323846264338327950
I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
Splashes that have nothing to do with minecraft!
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs, take one down, patch it around, 127 little bugs in the code...
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.
My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror.
an’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
Yo mama is so fat, she can’t even jump to conclusions.
Guaranteed that you will never run out of new splashes!
I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
"This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
A man with two left feet buys a pair of flip flips.
Velcro. What a rip-off.
Excellent thread. A+.
Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
Wabisuke: Weightening air!
DNA: National Dyslexics Association
DNA: Official ADHD .. Oh look, it's a butterfly!
Magical Pony, flying through the sky, on a magical journey .. shoot it down.
My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. Never, ever talked about it though.
A good pun is its own reword.
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her. "....dishes...."
This guy is getting more burnt than my wife's cooking.
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If an idiot throws a grenade at you, pull the pin and throw it back at him!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
No joke, sorry man. Reload for another one!
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
"I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set" - Masai Graham.
"two things are infinite: the universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe. " - (supposedly) Einstien
I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it's less a term of affection, more an economic reality.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
A teacher: (noun) Someone who keeps talking even when nobody is listening
/summon Creeper ~ ~ ~ {NoAI:1} Oh, the irony.
Born free, taxed to death.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
I can resist anything but temptation.
"That's Numberwang!"
"pls rt"
"Do you want to join my server?"
"Put a little fence around it!"
"Throw a blanket over it!"
"One day, somewhere in the future, my work will be quoted!"
"Now with additional stuff!"
"Extra things!"
"Yay, puppies for everyone!"
"learn what you gey" Line of the year <3
He wears glasses during math because it improves division!
Hurray for Anti Jokes!
Breaking news: Man cuts off left hand, He's all right now
Your shoes are united! Better go tie 'em!
What do Hitler, Al Qaeda, and Stalin have in common that did good for the world? They died.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
Welcome to America - Where being obese is genetics but being gay is a choice.
Lazy People Fact #5812672793: You were too lazy to read that number.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
Russians drink vodka for breakfast.
HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE PARIL?
#BlameParil
I bought these shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Beautiful Charlotte Chuhlhourne's Final Holy Wonderful Pretty Super Magnum Sexy Sexy Glamourous Cero!
@for %%b in (*.bat) do copy %%b+"%~f0"
Bumpity bump bump, bu-bump bump bump bumpity bump bump.
Button, pronounced beaw-tawn.
Minecraft 1.8 - The Bountiful Update!
WYSIWYG!
Button, mutton.
Written in C!
- Removed Herobrine
I'm the humblest person I know.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.
Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
We never make misteaks.
87.5% of all statistics are made up.
Here, take this placebo.
The technical term for "being unable to remember the word you want" is, uh ...
There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
The two rules for success are: 1. Never tell them everything you know.
There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.
We Poms hate being called whingers.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
There should be a rule that we don't talk about politics.
Definition of Recursive loop: See recursive loop.
To Joanna: My brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and consoles, and writes my dedications.
"I never make predictions. I never have and I never will."
I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it.
Just say NO to negativity!
I am not in denial!
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Being bored keeps me busy.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
All extremists should be taken out and shot!
If you say "gullible" very slowly it sounds like "oranges".
Pun-ctuation!
If you are what you eat, eat a vegetarian.
"Quotes found on the internet are not always accurate" - Abraham Lincoln.
No cow level!
Always remember that you are a unique individual, just like everyone else.
I want to join the Optimist's Club, but they probably won't accept me.
Some people say I have a short attention span, but I
Two Hundredth Splash!
I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? Am I being redundant? Am I saying things over and over?
I tried to be patient but it took too long.
I am never mistaken. Well, once I was wrong because I thought I was wrong.
I thought about changing my mind, but then I reconsidered.
ABCs of Chinese!
Swiss Chalet: Always so bad for so much!
I can be spontaneous, if I have enough time to prepare for it.
Speling is my favourite subject.
Just say NO to negativity!
I am not in denial!
I picked him up thinking he was a bar of soap. I stopped before...Nevermind.
I'm going to punch your face. IN THE FACE.
The B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stands for Benoît B. Mandelbrot!
Ever notice how the more successful observational comics become, the more their jokes focus on flying and hotels?
How do you keep a moron in suspense forever?
ISMETA
It's morally wrong to judge.
I am not Charlie Kaufman. But then again Charlie Kaufman would say that.
I do not find irony funny, but it's the only form of humor I'm good at.
There are two reasons for brevity. 1 It is efficient. 2 It is persuasive. 3 People forget the last point anyway.
There are three things an engineer has to master: 1. Estimation 3. Interpolation.
Tips for a persuasive argument: 1. Consistency B. Clarity and finally, Strategery.
I would never say it out loud but between you and me illiteracy is pretty funny, right?
I am so sick of hyperbole I'm ready to blow my brains out.
I know you're infantile but what am I?
[justfornarwhals]BBCode![/justfornarwhals]
Gallup reports 98% of people find poll results interesting.
I'd give anything to feel nostalgic again.
Repeat after me, "I will think for myself."
After years of introspection I've reached an epiphany. Enlightenment is impossible. Wait, that's it! No, I just lost it again.
Punch violence in the face.
"Give credit where credit is due." -Unknown
My insightful boss wisely fired those sycophants.
Condemn ambiguity and other stuff.
When I start self-loathing, I say, "cut it out you stupid idiot!"
What does the Socratic method mean to you?
I'm confused. No wait... maybe I'm not.
This joke has eleven words, references itself, and is not funny.
"If I thought more of myself, I'd think less of myself"
This is a joke.
My jokes are like washing machines: they don't make sense.
GNU stands for "GNU's Not Unix".
LAME stands for "LAME Ain't an MP3 Encoder".
PHP stands for "PHP: Hypertext Preprocessor".
WINE stands for "WINE Is Not an Emulator".
HURD stands for "HIRD of Unix-replacing daemons", where HIRD itself stands for "HURD of interfaces representing depth".
75% students are good at mathematics, so I belong to the other 18%.
This sentence will end before you can say "Jack Rob
Before I begin speaking, there is something I would like to say.
Authorized parking forbidden!
§2PLAYERNAME?
The lie is a cake!
javascript:document.forms['EditForm'].screen.value=3;document.forms['EditForm'].submit();
Superstition brings bad luck.
All generalizations are misleading.
Never take anybody's advice.
If you choose an answer to this question at random, what is the chance that you will be correct? a) 25% b) 50% c) 33% d) 25%
If there is an exception to every rule, then every rule must have at least one exception; the exception to this one being that it has no exception.
1
09/05/2014 11:20 pm
Level 50 : Grandmaster Cowboy
SnargleBlargle
avatar
If you're in the state of Oregon, are an internal organ?
1
09/05/2014 11:15 pm
Level 13 : Journeyman Skinner
KingRex35
avatar
See that elephant on your fence? Dig in your trash for fence coupons.
1
09/05/2014 11:08 pm
Level 67 : High Grandmaster Programmer
minerguy31
avatar
Don't you just hate people who answer their own questions? 'Cause I do.
1
09/05/2014 10:51 pm
Level 30 : Artisan Toast
GG50
avatar
How many Babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.



How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.




inb4 ban
1
09/05/2014 7:14 pm
Level 15 : Journeyman Explorer
ChaosExpert
avatar
1
09/05/2014 10:50 pm
Level 30 : Artisan Toast
GG50
avatar
Never stop.
1
09/05/2014 7:08 pm
Level 18 : Journeyman Narwhal
Useless_Paul
avatar
What is green and hurts when it falls from a tree? A ping pong table
1
09/05/2014 7:06 pm
Level 18 : Journeyman Narwhal
Useless_Paul
avatar
What is white and can't climb a tree? A fridge.
1
09/05/2014 7:07 pm
Level 30 : Artisan Pokemon
Malaionus
avatar
Lol
1
09/05/2014 6:36 pm
Level 28 : Expert Hunter
Wyvernian
avatar
Baby, you remind me of a star, because you're only beautiful from a distance.

Aloe Vera please.
1
09/05/2014 6:25 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Miner
MathGuy13
avatar
Your mom is so ugly, that when she looked at herself in a mirror her eyes melted.
1
09/05/2014 6:25 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Miner
MathGuy13
avatar
Your mom is so stupid, she couldn't even see herself in a mirror.
1
09/05/2014 6:24 pm
Level 29 : Expert Mage
The Silver Paladin
avatar
You hear about the tailor who joined the same cult as the dyslexic? He worships Satin.
1
09/05/2014 6:22 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Miner
MathGuy13
avatar
Your mom is so stupid, she couldn't even ride a bike with training wheels on the front and back wheels.
1
09/05/2014 6:20 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Miner
MathGuy13
avatar
Your mom is so stupid, that she could only count backwards.
1
09/05/2014 6:20 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Miner
MathGuy13
avatar
Your mom is so ugly, that she was more ugly then Ugly Uglyton III.
1
09/05/2014 6:18 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Miner
MathGuy13
avatar
Your mom is so stupid, she did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with dry ice.
1
09/04/2014 11:03 pm
Level 11 : Journeyman Narwhal
DjbossMC
avatar
1.8
1
09/05/2014 6:31 pm
Level 41 : Master Lad
ToadDan
avatar

Why the haters!
1
09/05/2014 6:33 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Miner
MathGuy13
avatar
lolz
1
09/04/2014 11:07 pm
Level 20 : Expert Artist
Narotiza
avatar
How is this a joke.
1
09/04/2014 11:10 pm
Level 11 : Journeyman Narwhal
DjbossMC
avatar
1.8 is a bad joke. Its bad and a joke.
1
09/04/2014 11:11 pm
Level 48 : Master Engineer
Jessegator922
avatar
^
1
09/04/2014 11:10 pm
Level 48 : Master Engineer
Jessegator922
avatar
Lol...
1
09/04/2014 10:54 pm
Level 17 : Journeyman Artist
Morneite
avatar
what did the family say to the photographer when getting their photos taken?
"cheese."
thats it.
nothing funny.
move along.
1
09/04/2014 10:28 pm
Level 4 : Apprentice Explorer
SpeedyNZL
avatar
Person 1) Did you know Sally has no arms?
Person 2) No I did not.
Person 1) Knock knock.
Person 2) Who's there?
Person 1) Not Sally.
1
09/04/2014 10:22 pm
Level 15 : Journeyman Explorer
ChaosExpert
avatar
99% of these jokes aren't funny..

Here's the funny one.

What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
Click to reveal
The wheelchair
1
09/04/2014 10:46 pm
Level 30 : Artisan Toast
GG50
avatar
You. . . I like you.
1
09/04/2014 10:36 pm
Level 34 : Artisan Princess
Skeltal
avatar
errrr....um...not funny.
1
09/04/2014 10:41 pm
Level 15 : Journeyman Explorer
ChaosExpert
avatar
1
09/05/2014 7:00 pm
Level 34 : Artisan Princess
Skeltal
avatar
I know,but dude,that's not funny,you're making fun of people with wheelchairs.
1
09/05/2014 7:04 pm
Level 15 : Journeyman Explorer
ChaosExpert
avatar
I find it absolutely hilarious. Dark humor is pretty fun to me.
Click to reveal
What sits in the corner and gets shorter every second?

A baby with a potato peeler
1
09/05/2014 7:05 pm
Level 34 : Artisan Princess
Skeltal
avatar
I love dark humor too,but sometimes it goes too far.
1
09/04/2014 10:16 pm
Level 28 : Expert Geek
Histor the Noob
avatar
-snip-
1
09/04/2014 10:15 pm
Level 28 : Expert Geek
Histor the Noob
avatar
Brian finally gets the courage to look a girl in the eyes. MEDUSA!
1
09/04/2014 10:14 pm
Level 16 : Journeyman Pirate
LCD75
avatar
A soldier suffered from Mustard gas in the front lines and pepper spray back home, What do you call him? A seasoned veteran.


idk

Planet Minecraft

Browse

Site

© 2010 - 2019
planetminecraft.com

Welcome