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This is the first two chapters from my book(WARNING:Unedited)

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created 06/08/2019 3:29 pm by Iron_Works history
last reply 06/10/2019 8:59 pm

James had once been The High Fire Wizard. He had aided in the battle of darkness, however, He fell in battle to a warrior of shadow. Humanity fell and was left plagued to perpetual twilight.

“Ugh, w-w-what happened.” James awoke upon the field he battled on five years earlier. He studied the landscape. The air stood cold. There was an atypical fog in the air. The fog was thick enough to block out the night sky and even the grass beneath James’ feet.

He subconsciously extended out his hand, giving way for a ball of fire to be born. The air screeched as if it was a living thing. James was baffled as to why fire appeared. He couldn’t recall the battle. He couldn’t remember much of anything. Once more, he stretched out his hands.

An immense blast of fire exploded from his hands comparable to a dragon raining destruction from its mouth.

The fog gave way. He could glimpse stars for a few mere seconds. However, the darkness came back as soon as it had left. Yet again he danced his hands around like a child playing. A massive forcefield of fire stopped the black fog, but at once began to fail.

A squall of wind plucked him off the ground. He could see endless black. It appeared as if the emptiness of the night sky was brought to the ground.

James caught the sight of an island unaffected. There were torches and small huts. There was a modest stone one constructed resembling a castle. He wished to go to that island. He subconsciously slowed the wind. James landed softly upon the ground as a circle appeared beside him in the ground. The circle had an image in it showing the streets of the island James wanted to go to. He put his finger on the image, and it went straight through. The image rippled like a stone thrown into water. he tripped on a rock and fell through.

They remained transfixed upon him. The civilians were speaking to him in a language he did not understand. “Hello, I am James Jorkin, I come in peace.” Once more the populace was speaking to him in a language that sounded like turkeys warbling. James snapped his fingers and suddenly they began to make sense. “Who are you?” the people asked. “I am James jorkin high wizard of the fire elementals and storm elementals,” James said, without even thinking. “We don’t like you because you wear weird red robes.” “So just because I conjure magic you don’t like me?” he again did not think about speaking, his memories controlled his mouth; helping him to remember “You know magic?” the civilians asked him. James focused his mind and extended his hands out towards the dark fog. Wind and rain gushed from his hands.

The people applauded him and bowed. “We have one like you. The land bows to her.”

“Do you know her name?” “yes, she calls herself jenny.”

“Mm hmm I understand.” Odd, James thought, the high wizardess of earth is here. “Do you worship her?”
“Yes, sir she makes the dark stay away.” James yet again withdrew to his thoughts. These people are crazy but then again, I was regifted life. Perhaps I can return the islands to their previous form. With that thought, James found himself slipping through an image to a dark isle.


In which sleeping dogs lie

Rotting bodies sat, not altogether whole, around James; yet they would not rot completely in this strange fog. James gave birth to a ball of fire upon his hand. the air screeched once more, leaving James utterly confused. “AAEEEIIGH.” A faint orange light was just a few feet away.

He strode towards the light, only to find that the fire was dying. Oil is what kept the fire alive. He was beginning to become used to what he could do. He found the great saucer of ancient oil. He lit the saucer on fire. “AAAAAEEEIIGH.” The air around James dissipated in a minor way. Memories came back to him in flashes. He now knew that only two saucers were left. James somehow sensed unlit torches on the isle. He lit every single torch without getting near them.

Silvery tendrils of a peculiar light would pass him every now and then. He came across the next saucer by accident. The heavens made a tumultuous roar, as the sky visibly started cracking like a spiderweb. The cracks let a multitude of magical drops fall. The drops rained into the saucer. James rested his hands in the liquid. It caught into a blaze of fire. More torches lit, and the sky became clearer. The night sky became slightly visible through the muck of the fog. He saw the last saucer. It still had its magic oil. He lit it. the air seemed to die. AAAAEEEEEEIIIGGHH. The air was clear. He could see the stars. He was happy.

Until he noticed the ghosts. He was dumbfounded, he never believed in ghosts. He believed Oh thank you James we really appreciate that. We can finally take form. Oh, here’s my body. Hello old me. James stared at his old apprentice. Oh, sorry that’s right you’ve never seen a ghost before. James knew there was the possibility of ghosts, but he never believed it. thanks for teaching us our magic but when we died well I’m sure you remember the explosion of escaping magic when we die. James didn’t remember but he tried hard to remember. He blacked out into memory

come on guys just let your will go. Lose all your will and your magic will come, naturally. James was fighting five dark wizards at once. Just don’t try, just don’t try. If you do that the elemental magic will flow. One of them did as they were told and won the battle instantaneously. The rest seeing that it would work did the same and joined James in the battle against the other wizards. One of the shadow elementals got a good shot at Nicholas and killed him. The corpse fell to the ground skin becoming sunken and skin turning yellow. The dead elemental exploded with pure magic energy. Red white blue and yellow light flew toward his murderer. The murderer died. His body turned to ash and made the darkness thicker.
James woke up wondering why he had that sudden memory. Ah I see that your memory isn’t there master let me tell you the shadow elementals won and killed themselves. That pure black fog is alive. As they died they used the magic they never shared with us. When a shadow elemental is born, a spell is cast upon them so that when they die their soul will tear in two. One half will go on to the afterlife and the other will join the nearest inanimate object. Technically we won but since the shadow elementals died, they went into the dark fog they created. Their magic didn’t explode, and instead their inner magic was cast into their darkness. That fog is full of shadow magic. only light will part it and when you part it you will hear many screams, finished the ghost. So how come when I died I didn’t die. Ah that was me I put you into a sleep of death. When you died your soul still hadn’t left your body. Me being a ghost I don’t have fire magic anymore. I have ghost magic woo hooray for that anyways I made it to where you would not rot or die, instead you would freeze. When you woke up did it feel cold around you? uhm yes. Did you feel staticky like lightning struck you? yes. Ahh then my plan worked. I got a friendly storm elemental to put a small hex on you, when you unfroze you were to be struck with lightning. Go lay down in your body. Why should I, said a defiant Nicholas. Do it or I will hex your spirit for eternal burning. Ok yes, my sensei. Nicholas laid down in his body. James snapped his fingers. fire zoomed to Nicholas’s dead body and remade him where there was nothing but bone. He snapped his fingers once more and this time Nicholas’s dead body fiery-liquid-body was struck by lightning. Nicholas the ghost started to become sucked into his dead body. The body gasped. Hello Nicholas. Nicholas did not respond, instead he stared at nothing with glassy eyes. James snapped his fingers once more lightning struck him but this time on the liquid-fire bits of him. The liquid-fire became electrically charged. He gasped again this time his eyes became less glassy. Why did you do that James, said an agitated Nicholas. Well I thought it would be nice to have added help when getting rid of the darkness. Nicholas stared at him very angrily
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Level 6 : Apprentice Blacksmith

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10 replies

06/10/2019 7:17 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Architect
Needs some definite editing (alot) but it is a good start
06/09/2019 10:33 pm
Level 18 : Journeyman Pirate
I'm gonna be honest, this isn't all that great. The sentence structure is short and repetitive, with certain parts being glossed over immediately while others are stated again and again but without any actual fleshing out. Some of the words you use to denote specific things don't make sense, mostly due to lack of context or odd metaphors being made.

It can be very difficult to take something in your head and write it down in a way for others to fully understand. You know everything about your story, you see the people and places and events in your mind's eye. Coming up with a way to transfer that into words and have others see something remotely similar is quite a challenge, but a few simple steps can greatly improve your writing potential.

For starters, establish what the tone of your narrative is meant to be. Are we supposed to be given information through character dialogue or internal monologue, or will the world be shown to us gradually with minimal exposition? The beginning of your chapter is kind of a mess with this; the protagonist's role is identified, and the circumstances surrounding his apparent death are given, but then he has amnesia and doesn't know what's happened. At this point the reader only knows what he's been told, but doesn't have a setting to put any of that into context. What is the significance of James being a high fire wizard? Who or what does the darkness represent, and how does it work? One method of explaining this could be starting off with a few paragraphs of nothing but expository information, so long as you ease your way into it and not dump a bunch of unfamiliar jargon on the reader. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with this method so long as you don't overdo it and find a way to transition from that into a normal prose. Another approach might be to put the protagonist at the focal point; make James almost a "fish out of water" character who doesn't remember much about the past and gradually puts the pieces together. In this manner the reader has someone to identify with, they learn about your world together. Emotional transference like this is one of the most powerful ways to get your reader invested in both a setting and a character.

Another thing to be aware of is sentence structure when using descriptions. Being long winded isn't necessary, but some variation in word choice and flow of sentences can do wonders for establishing a setting. Take a look at your introduction of the island; repeated uses of "there was" and "there were" in very short spurts before a full stop. These things sound like bullet points being read aloud and are an eyesore to read, in addition to only supplying the most basic sense of scale for a physical area. By both being creative with word layout and breathing some life into your descriptions with new word choices, you can paint a clear picture in the reader's mind. Just as an example, watch how this works:

As he soared uncontrollably through the air, James caught sight of an island amid the darkness. It floated there, surrounded by the thick black fog, yet seemingly untouched by it. Dotting the island were small huts lit with torches, and in the center lay a round tower built of grey stone. Fixating his gaze on the crude dirt road in front of the tower, James conjured a small portal in front of him, through which an image of the road could be seen. In seconds the wind had flung him through the portal, and he found himself regaining his footing at his destination on the island.

Next, be sure to have character actions and motivations that make sense to the reader. As a writer you are the only person able to read the minds of your characters. Find a balance between leaving so much unexplained that it's unintelligible, and spoon feeding your reader with so much information that it insults their intelligence. For instance, why is James surprised that fireballs are appearing in his hand if he knows he's the high fire wizard? Why are the inhabitants of the island distrusting of him because he uses magic, when they follow someone who also does magic? Why are they so rapid to change their view on him, and why is it unanimous? So much of what happens with the protagonist seems to be out of his control, with things being subconscious and his body being flung by the wind. Is someone controlling him? Is this an effect of the darkness? Slow down a little, be descriptive, and give some insight into what your character is thinking and feeling.

A good way to approach it is figuring out what genre you're trying to write and how deep into that the story goes. Is this meant to be high or low fantasy, does it take place in a grounded universe like our own or does it involve magical acts and beings that are completely out of the ordinary? What makes this world stand out? How does the answer to that question shape the history, landscape, and society of your world? Are you dealing with a list of unique fantasy races with common anglicized names in a fantastic realm, or are people there just like normal humans from our own universe?

To summarize: establish a narrative tone for how you want the story to progress in a readable manner, vary your word choices with more adverbs and prepositional phrases at the beginning of sentences, don't be afraid to dust off the thesaurus to find new ways of describing actions or settings, and be sure to paint a clear picture of what's going on with your characters without over explaining things to the point where it loses all subtlety. A few simple practices can see great improvement in your future attempts at storytelling.

Good luck!
06/10/2019 8:59 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Wolf Whisperer
Couldn’t have made this reply any better myself.
06/10/2019 9:12 am
Level 6 : Apprentice Blacksmith
thank you for your info, tbh a lot of what you said comes in the next chapter. also, james does'nt know that he's a wizard yet, the story is told from the omniscient point of view.
06/10/2019 9:15 am
Level 6 : Apprentice Blacksmith
i think you would love this book. btw.... thats the unedited version of the book. my mind is a racecar (and im not ashamed to admit that) so ik my work.. well needs a lot of work.
06/09/2019 7:13 pm
Level 6 : Apprentice Blacksmith
if i get enough support, i will post a few more chapters
06/09/2019 7:13 pm
Level 6 : Apprentice Blacksmith
thank you
06/09/2019 11:11 am
Level 4 : Apprentice Warrior
06/09/2019 10:35 am
Level 16 : Journeyman Mountaineer
Not bad! It's kind of short for a book chapter, but not bad at all!
06/08/2019 4:05 pm
Level 2 : Apprentice Architect
Oh my Goodness,
This chapter blows my mind!
The ideas and word choice are brilliant, I'd love to see more of this!

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