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Can you read my book so far? Need feedback and ideas!

Toadblock's Avatar Toadblock12/29/12 2:40 am
12/30/2012 3:19 am
Dankscrub's Avatar Dankscrub
Hey guys, I have been typing up a book and when your done reading it I hope you can give me some feedback, comments and ideas. Well Here it is!

Chapter 1
The Raccoon

There was a small breeze. A breeze of autumn. The trees rustled as the raccoon
went in the his hole very close to the tree. He left his snout poking out of the hole so he could sense when he needed to come. Finally a small girl came out, the girl he needed, the girl he wanted. She had gone out to collect the mail for her father because her sister Ellen (The dark one.) Could not be bothered and her brother Charlie (The athletic one.) Was busy running in the back yard. As the little girl (Kirby) closed the door the raccoon ran up behind the post box and waited to snatch a letter out of her hands. Then it would be as easy as stealing candy from a baby after that. Kirby went out to the post box, not noticing the raccoon. Once she had collect the mail she stood and enjoyed the cool breeze outside. It would very soon be Halloween, an exciting day for Ellen, Charlie and Kirby but a bad day for the raccoon. Just as Kirby was about to walk back into the house the raccoon jumped up out of no where and grabbed a letter from Kirby's hand. He then ran two meters away, trying to make Kirby follow him. She took two small steps forward. The raccoon took 2 steps backward. Then Kirby ran after the raccoon. The raccoon started to run as well. he was making his way to the forbidden forest. Kirby wondered, "Should I go and get that letter or should I leave it and if anyone asks I could just say it was not there?" She could no longer see the raccoon so she went into the forest anyway. While she was running she got caught in vines. She could not get out! "HELP!" She yelled. “What is wrong?” said a voice that sounded like her brother's voice but a bit more gloomy.
“Who are you?” She asked as shakily. “I shall not tell you till you tell me what is wrong.” The voice said back. “W-w-well I uh got stuck in um vines.” She said back quietly.
Posted by Toadblock's Avatar
Toadblock
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
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1
12/29/2012 5:42 am
Level 33 : Artisan Sailor
mineforenzo
mineforenzo's Avatar
Hey nice can you sent me every update in my mail box or samething I want to make a minecraft costum map out of this if you want that

greetz from me and my build team.
Team mineforenzo
1
12/30/2012 3:14 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
Toadblock
Toadblock's Avatar
Ooh I'd love you to make a map of it
1
12/29/2012 5:42 am
Level 40 : Master Mountaineer
COOPERx223x
COOPERx223x's Avatar
You'll also probably want to expand the exposition a bit. It would probably be better to get an understanding of who is who. instead of saying "the little one (Kirby)", you could say, "the youngest of the children, Kirby, had been sent to pick up the mail."

Just elaborate on the exposition, and you'll have a longer first chapter.
1
12/29/2012 5:38 am
Level 24 : Expert Skinner
psychoanalytical
psychoanalytical's Avatar
1
12/29/2012 5:34 am
Level 46 : Master Lad
Doggle
Doggle's Avatar
If that's the entirity of chapter 1, its way too short. Even a short story with chapters would be longer. Its okay but you need to be more general in everything but imagery. So something like 'Badger came out of his house, finding a darkened landscape, with distant, faint hills. But that's not all. He hear footsteps, from around the corner. The footsteps got louder and faster. Badger moved forward. Around the corner. A dark silhouette in the shape of a mole appeared. As the badger lit his lamp, out came a friendly face. One he had seen before. Badger from down the creek. It was a sight for sore eyes. Wearing that stunning suit with a bright red tie and dark leather trousers he stood there proudly'. That would be a decent sort of descriptive paragraph. You would need at least 15 of these to produce a decent chapter. But keep working, one day you'll master writing.
1
12/30/2012 3:16 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
Toadblock
Toadblock's Avatar
Hmm... you're right but I'm making it so each page has a chapter.
1
12/29/2012 5:26 am
Level 24 : Expert Skinner
psychoanalytical
psychoanalytical's Avatar
Kewl! My dream is to be a bestselling author too! I didn't know you could have your work feedbacked here. The story is itself is good yet short. Keep it up!
1
12/30/2012 3:14 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
Toadblock
Toadblock's Avatar
thx
1
12/29/2012 5:25 am
Level 40 : Master Mage
+Sheena+
+Sheena+'s Avatar
Spaces in front of each paragraph. Also strong vocabularies (more voice).
1
12/29/2012 5:22 am
Level 24 : Expert Dolphin
Amaze
Amaze's Avatar
Toadblock
COOPERx223xWhat is this for? Schoolwork or just because you like to write?

My dream is to become a best seller but I want to start with writing nice books for ages 8-adult/senior :)


I actually dream almost the same thing, my brother inspired me to become an author as a hobby, I'd like to be writing for pre-teens to teenagers, but I want that as a hobby as for my real career I'd like to become a game artist (as programming is proved to difficult for me. :P)
1
12/29/2012 3:37 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
Toadblock
Toadblock's Avatar
SilentAeroI'd just like to give you a tip.

When a character talks, their speech gets put on a separate line.

I.E.:
"No, I think that the table should be red." Jessica said.
"Blue looks better," Her husband responded quickly.

okay
1
12/29/2012 3:19 am
Level 25 : Expert Artist
SilentAero
SilentAero's Avatar
I'd just like to give you a tip.

When a character talks, their speech gets put on a separate line.

I.E.:
"No, I think that the table should be red." Jessica said.
"Blue looks better," Her husband responded quickly.
1
12/29/2012 2:59 am
Level 40 : Master Mountaineer
COOPERx223x
COOPERx223x's Avatar
What is this for? Schoolwork or just because you like to write?
1
12/29/2012 3:02 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
Toadblock
Toadblock's Avatar
My dream is to become a best seller but I want to start with writing nice books for ages 8-adult/senior
1
12/29/2012 3:14 am
Level 40 : Master Mountaineer
COOPERx223x
COOPERx223x's Avatar
Ah very good. I love to write as well, it's a hobby that I wish I could turn to a profitable experience. Anyway, it's good, but it can use some work.

Also, this is a link to a blog a friend of mine wrote about how to write a story. She pointed out a lot of things that I never though if before, and it could be incredibly helpful for you. It was for me.

http://www.planetminecraft.com/blog/a-n ... g-a-story/
1
12/30/2012 3:19 am
Level 18 : Journeyman Architect
Dankscrub
Dankscrub's Avatar
Yeah, I'm writing the Cursed Mineshaft series. To bad nobody reads it.
1
12/29/2012 2:46 am
Level 22 : Expert Network
crimsoncreeper13
crimsoncreeper13's Avatar
I like it, I wanna know what happens.
1
12/29/2012 2:50 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
Toadblock
Toadblock's Avatar
Awesome, When I'm up to chapter 2 I'll pm the full chapter one to you
1
12/29/2012 2:42 am
Level 50 : Grandmaster Artist
Soda
Soda's Avatar
kewl.
1
12/29/2012 2:45 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
Toadblock
Toadblock's Avatar
Thx
1
12/29/2012 2:40 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
Toadblock
Toadblock's Avatar
Just remember its not done yet
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