1.) feelings of severe despondency and dejection. "self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression"
Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.

I have not been diagnosed by a professional, but it is pretty obvious that im depressed. I don't eat properly anymore and isolate myself in my room all day, blocking out every other human. I had just started being like this around 5 months ago, and its made Tim worry more for me and make his animal/masky state come out more. It's like having a second friend/big brother. I've always been the smallest person in the house, so it's really hard. You may not think so, but I get the least attention. Usually, the little brother gets more attention because the older brother is more mature, but im not biologically his brother, so im treated as the lower class.

Most people won't believe me when I say im depressed, and suicidal, because im young. "Too young to understand emotions" and experience mature situations...

I have been struggling for a long time, and it has just dipped into the suicidal zone... I only have Tim to support me, in the way I need it... so it's been really hard when I isolate myself because can't talk to him because im too broken to feel... anything.
I don't have an escape place because I don't have any friends to talk to, that I can talk to personally, other than my mind... and every time I leave myself alone with my thoughts, I just have flashbacks and images of just horrible things just flood my mind... or images of just static, screaming, and other horrible things... since I have trauma, and many mental disorders, I can't think straight, I get distracted, and whenever someone said to clear my mind I was never able to.. That's why I can't be left alone with my thoughts, because I hallucinate, and breakdown from the stress and fear lurking and grasping at the back of my mind...
Since I have bipolar disorder and depression, I can be happy, then all of a sudden I can't feel anything... This happens around 2:00 - 2:30 am, and sometimes even at 12:00 on rare occasions. I'll stop moving, and think only of nothing, often times lurking to my room, or searching the house for sharp objects. Tim will try to keep me in his room but ill refuse, and only say cryptid things. He hates that a ton.

Tim has grown anxiety, that only strikes up whenever I leave the room, or when I take walks and leave the house, or when I tell him I want to be left alone. I have to explain this before I can tell you anything else. Have you ever felt like you're in a fandom/you really like something, then all of a sudden you like something else and you leave that fandom? Well, ill do that but im in the creepypasta fandom. Then I'll say 'hey, I like 17776 now' then ill be 10 for about, all day and Tim will be J.U.I.C.E. Then when 2:00 am rolls around, I snap back into my Toby state, and just mumble cryptid stuff. At this point, it's out of my hands, because somethings playing with my emotions, and making me feel this way. So, im basically stuck in the CP fandom, or at least with slender until I get mental help because I really cant anymore.

ok, so what I was going to say. Tim has gotten this anxiety, and it's really hard for me when I go into my mental state at night because he won't leave me alone, and ill say I want to take a walk, by putting on my hoodie and pants, and he won't let me leave the house unless im constantly texting him. It's kinda hard for me when I don't live right outside the woods anymore, but that's just my current life now.. im mentally stuck with slender, and people call me childish for believing in him, while people believe in Santa, and the boogie man.. and god...
-Toby