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MGB's Contest Story! The Infinity

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Ahsoka's Avatar Ahsoka
Level 32 : Artisan Magical Girl
49
Once, there was a girl who wondered. She wondered about the universe. She wondered about the stars and the moon and the sun. Then one day she found a penny on the ground. It look like an ordainary penny but it was not. She picked it up and she was transported to another world. A world where there is no light. It was a platform in space.
 She looked out at the massive emptyness beyond her and thought. Then on the horizon, she saw the moon rise. She watched the moon all through the night. Then when she was ready, transported back home.
 Four Years passed and she went to live on her own. She grabbed her penny and transported to the vast endlessness of space. This time she saw the stars all around her and then she squinted and in the distance she saw a white sphere. It came closer to her until she could touch it. She saw a door and went inside.
 It was a house. It was her house. Then she looked out the window and saw it was moving. Then she saw a galaxy. Her house headed into it. When it came out she saw lush green land with beautiful people tending to it. She stepped out and the house floated away.
"Welcome to Dizamiria." said a girl who looked about 18. Then the girl who had just been travelling through space said, "Thank you, I am very happy to be here. My name is Luna." 
 Luna lived peacefully in the land of the moon.
The End
Here is the link for the contest:
http://www.planetminecraft.com/forums/luck-mgb-saint-patrick-day-writing-contest-t477732
 
Above the Above
 Below the Below
 Beyond the Beyond
 The Space Beyond Knowledge is smaller than it seems
 All the holes in the Universe must lead to something
 But know ones
 Except The Infinity
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1
03/23/2015 2:21 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Magical Girl
Ahsoka
Ahsoka's Avatar
I was kind of making it more like a poem instead of a story. I just wrote what I felt.
1
03/23/2015 1:52 pm
Level 50 : Grandmaster Sweetheart
Zatharel
Zatharel's Avatar
So she found a penny, got teleported into an area beyond time and space, observed, and then got teleported back, only to get into a land of the moon?

Honestly I feel this was way too rushed. I understand it's flash fiction (I admit I had a struggle with this as well), but in your story things just move way too fast. There is a word limit, but I recommend stopping at some points to explain further, and only then continuing along with the story.
1
03/25/2015 12:17 am
Level 32 : Artisan Magical Girl
Ahsoka
Ahsoka's Avatar
Thank you for the feedback.
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