For those of you out there who are going to walk into this film with a ‘can’t be worse than the sequels’ attitude: Beware.  I know it sounds impossible to outdo the suckiness of ‘The Lost World’ and ‘Jurassic Park 3’, but trust me it’s very possible.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, fine, that’s not how the film starts, but now that I’ve given you a scenario that’s far worse than any of the content in the last two Jurassic Park films, hopefully you’ll watch Jurassic World with your expectations in check.  It might be horrible; you never know.

The film actually starts with a homage to the original.  The opening credits flash across the screen as two dino eggs slowly hatch.  Under the pale white shells emerge two velociraptor-esque baby dinosaurs.  Cut to black.



Now, of course, we have to be exposed to the one thing that prevented the original Jurassic Park from being the best film in the history of mankind.  Children.  Why must there always be children?  Can’t we just do this with an entirely adult cast?  What’s wrong with you people?

---

Jurassic Park: Little girl hacks into state-of-the-art security system while mumbling something about unicycles.

The Lost World: Little girl kills a velociraptor with gymnastics skills.

Jurassic Park III: Little kid survives weeks on an island of dinosaurs using genius-level intellect and survival skills.  He then gets reunited with his parents, at which point he becomes a total idiot and continuously puts himself in perilous situations.

Jurassic World: MORE KIDS!!!  ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?!?

---

Why the writers of these films continuously sabotage their own movies in this way is beyond me.  Maybe they legitimately want the films to fail.  I don’t know, nor do I want to know.  It doesn’t matter anymore.

What matters is that these kids are soooooooooo funny.  They’re a riot.  Did you detect the note of sarcasm there?  JUST GET TO THE DINOSAURS ALREADY!!!

So the kid’s awesome parents send them on an awesome trip to an awesome island full of awesome dinosaurs where they can hang out with their awesome aunt for a week.  Are you thrilled yet?  I’m thrilled.

Turns out their aunt is actually the manager of the island, so I’m sure they’re going to be in good hands.  Unless of course she’s busy and really doesn’t like kids very much and decides to just put her incompetent assistant in charge of them for the day.  Which is exactly the case.

Let’s move on from this silly kiddy crap and get to the main attraction: Velociraptors!  Yes!  The most terrifying and diabolical monsters from the first three films.  A force of terror and savage destruction.  These fearsome beasts can be seen in Jurassic World being trained like little puppy dogs.  Thanks for that Trevorrow.  I really appreciate it.



Not that I’m saying training velociraptors is scientifically inaccurate.  It’s perfectly within the realm of possibility.  It’s not a factual error, it’s just stupid.  Why sabotage what was a source of fear, and turn it into a silly plot point?  It’s a dumb idea that’s only there to serve the overall plot.



What is this plot, you might ask?  It’s something so mindblowingly fresh and original that it will re- just kidding, it’s a stupid cliche plot that you’ve seen a million times before.  Turns out InGen (remember those guys?) is trying to train the velociraptors so they can use them for military combat in the middle east.

Who’s in charge of training these little monsters?  That would be Owen Grady, who’s basically the same lovable badass Chris Pratt always plays.  There’s no twist, he’s basically Star-Lord with a rifle instead of laser blasters.



And who’s the evil maniac who’s trying to turn the raptors into soldiers?  That would be Vic Hoskins, who’s played by that psychotic fat guy from Full Metal Jacket.  He’s very naive and so set on achieving his goal that he ignores everything every character says to him throughout the film.  He hears none of it.  He apparently only listens to the voices inside his head.  At one point he even compares the velociraptors to wolves.  Yeah, that outlook is going to end well for him, isn’t it?



But Star-Lord isn’t so convinced the raptors are ready to invade Iraq, and tries to tell Fatty that he’s out of his mind.  Fatty won’t listen; he never listens.

Then calamity strikes when one of the attendants tries to use a Ketch-All pole to rescue a pig that’s running around the raptor pen (not sure how the pig ended up there, but okay).  This, of course, results in the raptors pulling him off his platform, sending him hurling into the paddock.  Why someone would risk their life to save a pig (something that I’m guessing is the raptor’s main diet anyway) is beyond me.  Maybe he was an idiot.  Well, him or the writers.  Or both.

But that doesn’t matter.  Star-Lord uses his raptor-whispering skills to save the idiot while further encouraging Fatty that using raptors in desert warfare is a good idea.  No Fatty, it’s not a good idea.  It’s the dumbest idea in the history of film.  Why won’t he listen?!?

Now we cut straight to Claire, the delightful aforementioned aunt of the two idiotic children that are going to derail the film later.  She’s got all the personality and charm of a wet carrot.  She also has no social skills, which is evident by the scene where she awkwardly greets her nephews, who she clearly knows nothing about.

Claire’s busy doing science stuff, most of which is highly classified.  But, we are able to ascertain that Dr. Henry Wu (the guy from the original film who thought nothing bad was going to happen, and was later proven wrong) is doing the exact same thing he did in the first film, waiting to be proven wrong yet again.

Only this time, he’s created a monstrosity the likes of which we’ve never seen.  Yes, he’s created the Indominus Rex, a dinosaur that is designed for the express purpose of being extremely scary.  It’s equipped with the DNA of a T-Rex and several other species that aren’t important for anyone to know.  I guess only Dr. Wu knows.  That lack of information sharing probably won’t result in horrifying calamity later.  Or will it?!?



So Claire escorts the owner of Jurassic World, Simon Masrani (a man who speaks near-gibberish and mumbles throughout most of the film) to see his new dinosaur.  He flies the helicopter, of course.  Billionaires never have a pilot or anyone fly it for them.  Oh, and he doesn’t even have his piloting license, which is evident by the way he pilots the aircraft like a drunken idiot.

But, nevertheless, they go to the Indominus paddock, which doesn’t have electrical fences or barbed wire or anything.  It’s just a 40-ft wall.  What could possibly go wrong?  It’s not like Indominus has opposable thumbs or anything, right?  It’s not like she could just climb out.

Anyway, Masrani is worried that they haven’t thought everything through in regards to the paddock containment mechanisms (which apparently is gravity and nothing else).  There’s even a glass pane in the observation room that’s cracked due to Indominus head-butting it repeatedly.  Nobody seems concerned about that, which is very weird.

So, he suggests that Claire bring Star-Lord to the I-Rex paddock to have a look around.  This would be called a tenuous decision that a person probably wouldn’t make, just to introduce a periphery character into the main plot.  Get used to that; it happens a lot.

So Claire invites Star-Lord (who is also her ex-boyfriend!) to go check out the cage and make suggestions on how to improve what is currently a concrete wall.  So they go back to the I-Rex paddock, but guess what?  The I-Rex isn’t there!  WHA?!?!

They run an infrared scan of the enclosure, but it detects nothing.  Star-Lord awkwardly points out some claw marks on the wall, which brings them to only one conclusion: The I-Rex has scaled the wall and escaped!  There’s just no other explanation!

I mean, it’s not like there are species of frogs that can hide their thermal signature.  It’s not like the dinosaurs have frog DNA spliced into their genome.  It’s not like this exact same situation happened during the events of the first film where the dinosaurs spontaneously switched genders due to their frog DNA.

Here’s my question.  Why are these scientists so stupid?  You would think that after the incident on the island 22 years ago, they would thoroughly examine traits of frogs and use them to predict traits in the dinosaurs.  No?  Really?  They just don’t care?

But fear not, because the scientists were smart enough to implant a tracking device in the I-Rex.  Unfortunately, they weren’t smart enough to make this device trackable from anywhere other than the main control room (which is miles away from the I-Rex paddock).  So Claire gets in her car and drives back to the control room, while calling them on her cell phone.  Why doesn’t she just call them from the paddock?  Weird.

Simultaneously, Star-Lord thinks it’s a good idea to enter the paddock with a couple maintenance guys.  Makes sense.  Instead of evacuating the island due to the apparent escape of a gigantic killing machine, they decide to conduct a Sherlock Holmes-esque investigation to ascertain how the I-Rex escaped.



I mean, it’s pretty obvious that it climbed over the wall.  See the claw marks?  You don’t have to go up and get a closer look; it’s perfectly apparent from the safety of the control room.  No?  Really?

So the guys over at the main control room bring up Indominus’ tracking signal and guess what?  She’s still in the cage.  Problem solved.  Well it would have been solved if Star-Lord hadn’t gone into the cage to run his hand across the claw marks.  I’m still not sure why he did that.  But, nevertheless now he and the two other dudes are in a perilous situation!



So Star-Lord does the first sensible thing he’s done in the film so far: Runs for the gate.  In the process, Indominus jumps out of the bushes (SURPRISE MOTHA--------!) and eats one of the fat maintenance guys.  Star-Lord and the other guy get out, but Indominus breaks through the closing gate and eats the other fat maintenance guy.



Star-Lord hides under a vehicle, cuts the gas line, and dowses himself in fuel to mask his scent.  Again, he uses sound logic to survive a situation.  If only he had used it before and not gone into the cage.  Oh well.



So now Indominus is on the loose in a part of the island populated with kayakers, and people touring the planes in gyro spheres.  Now would probably be a good time to evacuate them.  No?  Send a swat team?  Ok, that sounds better.  Send a swat team and evacuate everyone.  What?  Just the swat team?  We’re not evacuating yet?  Are you sure?

Yes, apparently they’re confident that the swat team will succeed.  They’re so confident that they send the swat team with tasers and net launchers to apprehend the 50ft-long super predator.  No guns with lethal ammunition.  No rocket launchers.  Just tasers.  That’ll work.

Of course the swat team closes in on the tracking signal, only to find that Indominus has torn it out.  Now, if you think that’s evidence of this dinosaur’s intelligence, you haven’t seen anything yet.  Turns out that the I-Rex not only knew to remove her tracking implant, she used it as bait as well.  How does a massive dinosaur ambush a swat team, you ask?  With camouflage, that’s how.



Yes, it turns out that not only does Indominous possess heat masking abilities and insane levels of intelligence, but she’s also a chameleon.  A bloody massacre ensues.

Masrani, outraged that this dinosaur possesses so many abilities, confronts Dr. Wu who tells him that Indominus has cuttlefish DNA to stabilize its growth rate.  Now, why Wu would select an animal with camouflage abilities for something he could have gotten from numerous other species is beyond me.  Why he wouldn’t disclose this camouflage information to the people in charge of the I-Rex paddock is beyond me.  ‘Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that Indominus might turn invisible on occasion.  Don’t panic, that’s normal.’

Also, why didn’t he disclose it to the swat team?  It would have prevented a horrific onslaught.  Why wasn’t Indominus’ tracking implant detectable from the paddock control room?  Why was the implant not equipped with an internal tranquilizer delivery system (like an insulin pump for people with diabetes)?  Questions, questions, and more questions.  All unanswered.

Of course, now Claire thinks it’s a good idea to evacuate the northern half of the island.  This would be the area where those two annoying kids currently are.  And, before the evacuation call goes out, they board the last gyro sphere.  Too bad Claire didn’t evacuate right after the I-Rex escaped.  It would have saved her a lot of trouble.

So the brats are driving around, looking at various herbivores grazing in the field, when they come across a hole in the perimeter fence.  Anyone with sense would never even consider going off course into an unknown area with unknown dinosaurs.  Of course, these two have no sense what-so-ever, so they go right in.



Almost immediately, Indominus finds them, breaks their gyro sphere, and sends them running for their lives.  Of course they get away by jumping off a small cliff into a pond that just happens to be there.  That was lucky.

So Claire and Star-Lord set out to rescue them, while the remaining security forces board a helicopter mounted with a machine gun to take down the I-Rex.  Who’s piloting the chopper?  Masrani of course.  Yes, it turns out that the only person capable of flying the chopper is the owner of the island who, let me remind you, doesn’t even have a pilot license.  What magical drugs were the writers on when they wrote this scene?



So the two annoying kids (who will not be named!) end up in the visitor’s center from the first film.  There they use their amazing ingenuity (which they only recently acquired after stupidly going through a hole in a fence) to fix one of the old jeeps and make their escape in it.

Claire and Star-Lord arrive there shortly after their departure, but are met instead by the I-Rex who (apparently) is always in the right place at the right time.  After a stand-off, they make their escape and the chopper (piloted by Masrani) chases Indominus into the Aviary where Indominus scares the Pteranodons, driving them out of the hole in the aviary.  They attack the chopper (for no good reason), causing it to crash into the aviary and explode on impact.  Poor Masrani.  He died a hero.  Oh wait, never mind.  He didn’t die a hero, he died a murderer.  Why?  Because he unleashed a bunch of flying carnivores which head straight for the southern part of the island (the part where everyone was conveniently evacuated to).



So the kids end up back there, where they watch the Pteranodons massacre a bunch of people (including the incompetent woman who was put in charge of watching them for the day).  Luckily Star-Lord and a bunch of security guards arrive just in time to shoot all the flying monsters (which they do very quickly and efficiently; I don’t think even a single round missed).



With Indominus still loose, Hoskins (who will be referred from this point forward as ‘Fatty’) decides to call InGen and get a private army assembled on the island.  Fatty comes up with the brilliant plan of using the velociraptors to track and destroy the I-Rex.  Star-Lord has no choice but to comply.

So Star-Lord and the InGen army follow the velociraptor pack into the forest where they close in on the I-Rex.  Everyone takes cover and aims their weapons into the forest waiting for Indominus to emerge.



Very promptly, Indominus walks out of the shrubbery and stands right in front of everyone.  They open fire and promptly kill the I-Rex and the credits roll.  The end.



Wait, what?!?  They don’t open fire?!?  They just sit there and stare for like 30 seconds?!?  Yes, it turns out that everyone (including Star-Lord) suffers a small lapse in attention for half a minute while the I-Rex communicates with the raptor pack and convinces them to turn and attack the humans.  Star-Lord comes to the realization that Indominus is part raptor, and then realizes that he’s a complete moron for not shooting at it.



So the team opens fire, but it’s too late.  Indominus escapes while the raptors pick off nearly every member of the team.  Oh, and somebody manages to kill a raptor with a rocket launcher.  Overkill much?  Star-Lord gets away and heads back to the raptor paddock.



Meanwhile, Claire and the dumb kids are just hanging out by the raptor paddock when the raptors attack.  They drive away in an armored van, and one of the kids shocks and incapacitates a raptor with a taser.  My god.  It’s like the gymnastics scene all over again.

So they all head back to the laboratory, where they find that Dr. Wu has escaped with all the embryos (including the raptor and I-Rex embryos), and Fatty confronts them.  Fatty is babbling about evolution and science and stuff when a raptor breaks in and violently eats him.  The raptor then dies of a heart attack.  All the fat put her into immediate cardiac arrest.

Ok, fine, that was just me being mean at Fatty’s expense.  It was worth it.

So Star-Lord, Claire, and the idiot children run out to the plaza, where they are confronted by the three remaining raptors.  Star-Lord uses his raptor whispering skills to re-establish himself as leader of the raptor pack, but Indominus arrives to crash the party.



The raptors attack, but are quickly picked off by the I-Rex.  And that’s when it happens.  That moment.  You knew it was coming.  The ‘Unix system’ moment.  The younger of the kids turns to Claire and says “we need more teeth”.  Now, I’m not a Hollywood writer.  I don’t have expertise in that field.  But I think I’m correct when I say that this is the dumbest line ever written in the history of film.

It’s so dumb, in fact, that it makes the ‘Unix system’ moment look Oscar-worthy in comparison.  ‘We need more teeth’?!?  Really?!?  That’s the best you could do?  I can’t say I’m not surprised, but I wish I had seen it coming.

Claire interprets this moronic phrase as ‘Let’s get the T-Rex to fight the I-Rex’.  Why couldn’t the kid have just said that?  Why did they have to turn it into the dumbest utterance ever?

So, in a move that everybody predicted 6 months ago, Claire unleashes the T-Rex from it’s paddock.  The T-Rex confronts Indominus and they fight.  One of the raptors (who somehow survived the previous onslaught) joins in, too.  Together, they force the I-Rex to the edge of the Mosasaur exhibit, which results in the Mosasaur leaping from the water and killing the I-Rex at the last moment (also predicted 6 months ago).  Oh, and the raptor and T-Rex part ways without killing one another.  Odd, considering their history.




Everyone lives happily ever after, blah blah blah, the end.  There.  Are you happy?  I just summed up this piece of trash for your enjoyment.  You’re welcome.

-It's pretty entertaining, if and only if you turn your brain off.

-The CGI is pleasantly decent, though lacking any practical effects whatsoever.

-Chris Pratt is as lovable as he ever has been.  Not a surprise.

-Everyone beside Chris Pratt is either mediocre or below average in terms of acting.

-The soundtrack is pretty banal.

-Raptors are turned into circus animals, briefly revert into terrifying monsters, and then return to being circus animals at the end.

-The story is utter garbage.  14 years should have generated something better.

-Indominus escape scene makes no sense whatsoever.

-The owner of the island is apparently the only person who can fly a helicopter.

-A team of mercenaries tasked with killing the I-Rex sit still and stare for a full half-minute when the I-Rex is sitting right in front of them.

-All the scientists fail to do anything correctly, at the expense of everyone else.

-The Indominus paddock is a forty foot concrete wall.  I would think they would invest more in keeping the most dangerous animal on the island inside its cage.

-Indominus walks free amongst tourists, yet no evacuation order is given until after a significant period of time passes.

-Dumb children who almost got themselves killed due to incredibly stupid decisions somehow possess the ability to repair a 22-year-old junked jeep.

-Indominus is always in the perfect spot to attack someone.  It’s a big island, folks.

-An elderly T-Rex and a lone raptor successfully defeat a genetically modified weapon of mass destruction by working together peacefully.  I’m not buying it.