1

Intro to a fantasy story I wanna write, what you think?

Noctris's Avatar Noctris7/21/15 10:40 am
1 emeralds 2.4k 21
8/5/2015 3:27 am
Noctris's Avatar Noctris
Hi there, I always liked making D&D story lines etc. So i wanted to actually write one of my stories. This is the intro to the story, then chapter 1 starts from the past of the current event, and follows up to the event, and continues onward. Feedback appriciated

Edit: the "name" is just a place holder, I am working on a few names still didn't manage to get the right one


Chapter Unknown - Intro

The night was cold, a freezing breeze slowly blowing from the mountain pass. As the blood sun rose over the misty valley of “name” distant echoes of last cries were heard throughout the valley. Thousands of dead soldiers laid on the ground, their blood painted the snow scarlet. Amongst the massacre the King stands with his general, his black cape slowly waving in the breeze, with full plate armor damaged and colored dark green by the blood of his enemies, looking distantly at the waving flags of the Empire’s Alliance next to the bodies of his people.

K: This was a hell of a price to pay.
G: I know your grace, but now, finally our lands will be safe. These savages have been nothing but a threat since the mountains collapsed and the pass was opened.
K: That is true. These people are heroes, every single one of them. They deserved better, not to be slaughtered here at the end of the world, for a kingdom that’s half a world away. See to the wounded, we return home as victors.
G: Yes my King.

As the king walked listlessly towards his tent on the hill, he could not stop but to think of all the people he lost. Was it worth it, will their lands finally be safe from the reckless bloodthirsty “name”. Time will tell.

So yeah i started working on a map for this story. Feedback on that also appreciated

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Noctris
Level 51 : Grandmaster Necromancer
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1
08/05/2015 3:27 am
Level 51 : Grandmaster Necromancer
Noctris
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[quote="KaoriH"]Ok, so I do a lot of writing myself and something I have learned to either have other people do, or have me do for others is to literally take the original and change it and send it back for the actual writer to review the changes. [i]Basically[/i what I'm saying is, here is what I would write instead. You don't have to keep what I changed if you don't like it, but I think some of the wording sounds a little better. I do like the story so far though and I hope that you continue with it. Anyway, here are the changes:



The night was cold, a freezing breeze slowly blowing from the mountain pass. As the blood sun rose over the misty valley of “name,” distant echoes of last cries could be heard throughout. Thousands of dead soldiers lie on the ground, their blood painted the snow scarlet. Amongst the massacre the King stands with his general, his black cape slowly swaying with the breeze, his full plate armor damaged and colored dark green by the blood of his enemies, and he gazed into the distance at the waving flags of the Empire’s Alliance next to the bodies of his people.

K: This was a hell of a price to pay.
G: I know your grace, but now, finally our lands will be safe. These savages have been nothing but a threat since the mountains collapsed and the pass was opened.
K: That is true. These people are heroes, every single one of them. They deserved better, not to be slaughtered here at the end of the world, for a kingdom that’s half a world away. See to the wounded, we return home as victors.
G: Yes my King.

As the king walked listlessly towards his tent on the hill, he could not stop but to think of all the people he lost. Was it worth it, will their lands finally be safe from the reckless bloodthirsty “name”. Only time will tell.




Another thing you can do, is when you want to add to the story, instead of just adding where you left off, go back over what you already wrote and see if you wanna keep exactly what you wrote or if you want to exact some changes like what I did, because you might think something sounds better when you have different paragraphs to follow and have more of the story in place. :3 I hope this helps and like I said, the story does seem interesting and I hope you continue to write it. If you ever want more advice don't be afraid to ask.[/quote]


Thanks for the suggestions and feedback, means allot I hope I can manage to finish it, I never tried anything like this before
1
08/03/2015 11:56 pm
Level 1 : New Miner
KaoriH
KaoriH's Avatar
Ok, so I do a lot of writing myself and something I have learned to either have other people do, or have me do for others is to literally take the original and change it and send it back for the actual writer to review the changes. [i]Basically[/i what I'm saying is, here is what I would write instead. You don't have to keep what I changed if you don't like it, but I think some of the wording sounds a little better. I do like the story so far though and I hope that you continue with it. Anyway, here are the changes:



The night was cold, a freezing breeze slowly blowing from the mountain pass. As the blood sun rose over the misty valley of “name,” distant echoes of last cries could be heard throughout. Thousands of dead soldiers lie on the ground, their blood painted the snow scarlet. Amongst the massacre the King stands with his general, his black cape slowly swaying with the breeze, his full plate armor damaged and colored dark green by the blood of his enemies, and he gazed into the distance at the waving flags of the Empire’s Alliance next to the bodies of his people.

K: This was a hell of a price to pay.
G: I know your grace, but now, finally our lands will be safe. These savages have been nothing but a threat since the mountains collapsed and the pass was opened.
K: That is true. These people are heroes, every single one of them. They deserved better, not to be slaughtered here at the end of the world, for a kingdom that’s half a world away. See to the wounded, we return home as victors.
G: Yes my King.

As the king walked listlessly towards his tent on the hill, he could not stop but to think of all the people he lost. Was it worth it, will their lands finally be safe from the reckless bloodthirsty “name”. Only time will tell.




Another thing you can do, is when you want to add to the story, instead of just adding where you left off, go back over what you already wrote and see if you wanna keep exactly what you wrote or if you want to exact some changes like what I did, because you might think something sounds better when you have different paragraphs to follow and have more of the story in place. :3 I hope this helps and like I said, the story does seem interesting and I hope you continue to write it. If you ever want more advice don't be afraid to ask.
1
08/03/2015 9:38 am
Level 14 : Journeyman Miner
DragonloverCTGSS
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Looks great just need to add more landscapes like mountains, plains, canyons, slopes ect. then the map will be awesome
1
08/03/2015 3:13 pm
Level 51 : Grandmaster Necromancer
Noctris
Noctris's Avatar
Well working on it will add stuff this is just the alpha version
1
08/02/2015 3:52 pm
Level 51 : Grandmaster Necromancer
Noctris
Noctris's Avatar
Working on a map for this story. Feedback on that also appreciated, just added the pic

For a more user friendly version goto https://www.d-hive.net/Map.jpg (2MB image)
1
08/02/2015 7:26 am
Level 14 : Journeyman Miner
DragonloverCTGSS
DragonloverCTGSS's Avatar
Sounds like its going to be a cool story. Being a person who loves to write too, I know how hard it is to churn out ideas, thumbs up to you. Just a little thing, I love psychological torment if u could try something like that then that will be awesome. Don't forget to tell us where to read it XD.

DRAGON APPROVES (OWO)( hey not like i have any right to disapprove, its just fun to say XD)
1
08/02/2015 6:04 am
Level 61 : High Grandmaster Terraformer
Ivain
Ivain's Avatar
Stick to it! Also, if you complete the story, make sure to show it to a few friends or relatives, and maybe even send it in to a publisher! worst that can happen is that they dont want it, which would be the same as if you never a sent it in. And you might, just might, get a contract on it.
And while this might seem very much out of your reach, it isnt. if you manage to complete the story, you;ll already be further than most aspiring writers ever get. If you send it in, they might even give you proffesional feedback on what they would like to see changed, added or different, maybe for a different story.
1
08/01/2015 2:03 pm
Level 16 : Journeyman Taco
creeperhugger1234
creeperhugger1234's Avatar
Sounds like a cool book
1
08/01/2015 1:51 pm
Level 23 : Expert Princess
Gorvell
Gorvell's Avatar
I wish I could write like that... Sounds awesome!
1
08/01/2015 1:44 pm
Level 61 : High Grandmaster Terraformer
Ivain
Ivain's Avatar
since im currently too tired to think up fancy wording, lets rate this 0-10, where 0 is badly written fangirl(/boy) shipping, and 10 is tolkien and similar legends.
I'd think this currently rates at the 5 or 6, which is great for someone starting out writing. I expect Christopher Paolini, a well-known fantasy writer who started his first series when he was 15, would have ranked a 6 when he started. he's now an 8 or something.

I know, rankings are always innacurate because you can't accurately compare 2 writers with different styles. But your little intro is better than most attempts at stories I;ve made.

2 tips:
1. Work out the world that the story takes place in, and its major characters. Im assuming you know roughly how you want the story to go. Work out the identifying features (both physical and mental, as well as social) of every character that has a somewhat signifcant role. the more significant, the more you work out. Background, goals and dreams, skills and abilities, little quirks and weird habits maybe, current social position, what they will be at the end of the first story arc, etc.
Next, think up a basic system of politics in your world. Is it democratic, ruled over by a council, or a monarch, or is the world in total anarchy?
Think up some history for the world itself, maybe some connections to the characters.
Then there is the plotline. Usually, a book consists of one or more problems that need to be solved, ranging from personal, somewhat minor problems (usually in modern world novels) to global scale (popular in fantasy epics) to universal scale (you guessed it: Sci-fi). Of course, these problem sizes are not restricted to those genres.
Btw, I also count things such as getting revenge as a problem/challenge.
There are a myriad other, smaller details, but instead of writing a book about them here I'll let you figure those out on you own.
lastly, also part of this, is RESEARCH. Every major writer has done significant amounts of research for their novels. You can't completely make up everything from scratch, you need to know how people in a certain time-setting or from a social class would react to whatever you throw at them.

2. KEEP AT IT. Rome wasn't burned in a day, and writing the Middle Earth world took a productive lifetime. Try to write at least 1 decent paragraph every day, a page or even a chapter if you can manage it. For the few fanfics I wrote, a chapter was between 1000 and 200 words. For a proper book, its probably more like 5000-10000 per chapter or more. If you get stuck with the actual writing, switch back to planning the plot or doing research, that way you are still working on your novel but don't need as much inspiration.
As a close off to this part, once you have made a basic planning (including plotline) there is absolutely no necessity to write in chronological or any logical order. just make sure you stick to whatever quota you set yourself, and one day you'll run out of parts to write. Thats when the first draft is done and the editing begins. You might want to have other people (family, friends, english teachers (age dependant)) look at it, as you will likely be blind to any issues in the writing. This is quite a normal thing, as you have the whole of the story in your head and others do not.

That's all I can give you, good luck with writing your story!
1
08/01/2015 6:04 pm
Level 51 : Grandmaster Necromancer
Noctris
Noctris's Avatar
Thanks fore the feedback, I know the general story line, didn't detail it yet. Right now i'm in the process of making a map for my fantasy world, when i finished that i will have to plan the story with more detail of course, then I wanted to actually write chapter 1. I just wrote this because well I guess I was not sure that people would like it and I wanted to write something like this a long time ago but every time I thought nah that cant be good and never posted it. Now I finally decided to post it and got some nice feedback from allot of people. Slowly but surely I think I might write this
1
08/01/2015 12:51 pm
Level 40 : Master Electrician
-WaffleKing-
-WaffleKing-'s Avatar
Sounds good, I would read it.
1
08/01/2015 12:48 pm
Level 51 : Grandmaster Necromancer
Noctris
Noctris's Avatar
Well maybe i can finish it in 2-3 years xD

Release chapter by chapter, see how it goes. Currently I am making the map of the world for it, its a massive 2 continent world full of stuff.

So it aint exactly gonna be a short story
1
08/01/2015 9:41 am
Level 23 : Expert Dolphin
EmeraldEclipse
EmeraldEclipse's Avatar
If that was the beginning of a book, I would definitely read it, and probably buy it, as I love both this genre and your writing. I would agree with UnderscoreZeroLP that "hell" doesn't seem to fit, though.
1
07/30/2015 9:07 am
Level 36 : Artisan Scribe
LetsGoTrippin
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1
07/30/2015 8:59 am
Level 33 : Artisan Nerd
UnderscoreZeroLP
UnderscoreZeroLP's Avatar
Nice, better than a lot of stuff I've seen here. Minor tweaks and changes to be made though; instead of "hell of a" write something that sounds a bit more faithful to the time frame this story is set in. The punctuation needs working on, although I understand this is just a draft.
1
07/30/2015 8:44 am
Level 35 : Artisan Toast
galika1080
galika1080's Avatar
Kewl.
1
07/30/2015 7:11 am
Level 1 : New Network
Perthy
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Sounds an amazing start! Are you going to post it up somewhere?
1
08/01/2015 5:25 am
Level 51 : Grandmaster Necromancer
Noctris
Noctris's Avatar
If I ever write it yeah. But I don't know if i can pull it off.


And thank you all for the feedback Might even start writing something since people like it
1
08/01/2015 6:21 am
Level 1 : New Network
Perthy
Perthy's Avatar
Just wing it if you're going to continue your story, put it up on http://www.wattpad.com and I'm sure there are many others who would love to read it.
1
07/24/2015 10:52 am
Level 24 : Expert Ranger
SuperSwoosh
SuperSwoosh's Avatar
Sounds interesting.
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