You may not be ready for the great outside world so that’s why I compiled a list of very definitely useful things you will need to know when going outside.



1. Don’t eat earthworms. Never eat an earthworm, because earthworms are radioactive witch means they listen to the radio, and the last thing you want is to hear your stomach grumbling the lyrics for Katy Perry’s “Eye Of The Tiger”

2. Run away from “Hooters”. If you hear a Hooting noise you should start jogging with enough conviction to break the school zone speed limit, the reason to run away from these noises is because they belong to a “Hooter” witch is a type of bird that can fly silently, is 7 feet tall, can turn its head 360 degrees, and can breath fire. If you encounter a hooter then you need to yell “GAH!” and karate chop the nearest tree, be careful though because if you are too assertive with your “GAH”s or else the hooter will find it attractive and try and mate with you.

3. Avoid “Man Holes”. A man hole is usually found in the middle of a street and if you fall into it you will be consumed by it, man holes are usually covered up with large circular discs made by the magical dwarven wizards that reside at the DMV, sometimes the covers get taken off and a sacrifice goes into the man hole to keep it at bay, the sacrifice will be wearing a hard hat and a delicious clothing flavored reflective green vest.

4. Assert your dominance over cars. Cars think they’re in charge but you need to show them that you’re the alpha, if a car honks at you or is in your way whether you’re walking in the street or getting lost in a parking lot, you need to honk at the car to show it you won’t take sh*t from its metal, mass produced *ss, honk like a goose and if the car doesn’t accept you as the dominant being then you need to start stamping your foot on the ground while you honk, never, under any circumstance get psychical with the car because then the car will start yelling and blinking it’s lights witch is really scary.

5. Save kids from soccer balls. Kids will sometimes play with white balls that have black spots and it’s your responsibility to make sure they don’t get hurt because these balls have feelings and if they get kicked too many times then they will get sad and they will start kicking back, so to save kids from soccer balls (the word soccer means to be kicked and ball because it’s a circle.) you will need to run up to the ball and punt it off into the distance for the safety of the children.

6. Don’t help old people cross the street. Never help an old person cross the street because old people don’t exist and so all the old people are actually just robots sent out by the government to plant laser chips inside of peoples bodies, make sure the robots never cross the street by punching them in the face where all their brain technology is, effectively disabling them.

7. Hide from rain. If it rains you need to take cover, because rain can drill into your body and drown you from the inside so you have to find shelter fast, the best way to do this is to break down the door to an apartment building and find shelter inside or you can get an umbrella to use as a portable shelter, to get an umbrella you should hug the nearest civilian with an umbrella so you are also protected by the umbrella.

Sadly I was recently placed under house arrest and can no longer experience the joy of the outside world. Please use this advice to your advantage when outside.