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chapter i
I pant, looking for a place to hide. I duck behind a tree, clasping a radiating jewel to my chest. “Juu! Juu!” A male voice shouts from the treetops. I hold my breath as the Capysphinx (a ferocious capybara with a sphinx body) sniffs me out, unable to find its prey. I sigh heavily with relief, then realize that it’s going for… the other human being in the woods! “Zeke!! ZEKE!! The monster’s coming for you!!” I yell, my voice breaking. I take off through the forest. “Hey!” I catch up to the Capysphinx, out of breath with a stitch in my side. “You want this?!” I shout, holding the pulsating jewel in my hand like a football. It turns its attention toward me. ‘Juu, no…’ Zeke shakes his head in disbelief as I throw the gem. The Capysphinx chases the jewel. “Juu… you… saved my life… but we needed that jewel… for research at the museum. You could’ve taken off with the jewel, but… I’m dispensable…” I sigh, and take my goggles off my head. He shakes his delicious sandy-blonde hair from his face. “Zeke, what if I don’t want to be an explorer anymore?” His jaw drops. “It- it’s getting too dangerous for me. I love it, but don’t you want to get a life, start a family?” He looks distressed. I take pity on him and realize that I’d miss him too much if I had quit. I flush and bite my lip, knowing there’s only one way to solve this. As if able to read my mind, Zeke says, “I love you, too, Juu.” He has a small smile on his face. “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.” He says, and his face heats up. He leans in, turning his cheek toward me, waiting for a kiss. I blush and kiss his lips. He looks shocked, flustered, and surprised, but he looks at me with love in his eyes. He breaks us apart and scratches the back of his head, blushing. “You missed.” He teases, still grinning. “Fine, you want me to miss? I’ll ‘miss’ on purpose.” I say with blush on my cheeks. I kiss him again, more passionately than the first kiss. He kisses me back, blushing. “I’d miss you too much if you left.” Zeke says, wrapping me in his arms. I blush. “I’d miss you too much if I left…” I say.
chapter ii
We get back to the museum empty-handed, the boss doesn’t seem happy about this. “Zeke! Juun! Why are you two back?! I see no Aphwaul jewel in your hands!”
“Hey, I saved your best explorer’s life!! Is that not enough for you?!”
“I don’t care about one life when that jewel could save millions!” Zeke’s jaw drops. “You’d sacrifice your own son for millions of people you don’t know?! You’re a madman, no father of mine.”
Zeke takes off through the museum, I follow his tracks to the Pteranodon exhibit. “Are… you ok? Zeke, what’s on your mind?” I ask cautiously. “Yeah… I’ll be fine… at least I can talk to someone with a beating heart-”
“Which you can have…” I say romantically. He chuckles. “Well, I’ll take it and keep it.” He purrs, standing close to me. “I’ve given my heart to the right person, then.” I say, then turn around. He grabs my shoulder. I tuck my hair behind my ear, shyly looking up at him. He props his glasses upon his head, looking cute all the while. I can tell we’re thinking the same thing. “So… I guess we’re a couple?” Zeke says hopefully. I shrug. “Well… do you want to be my girlfriend?” I’m blushing. He’s blushing, too. “Of course!” I cry, kissing him.
***
I take Zeke’s hand and look at him. “What if we got the WilloWen jewel? I’ve heard it gives you animal powers?” I ask. “Ooh, what animal would I be?”
“Hmm… wolf?” I shrug. He props his glasses back up. He smiles. “You’d be a hawk.” He says, entwining his fingers with mine. I smile. “For sure.” I say. He smiles too. “Hawk, with beauty and grace.” He says, kissing my cheek. “Wolf, with strength and power.” I squeeze his hand. He grins. His teeth look like wolverine teeth. “Your… teeth… Zeke…” He frowns and hides his teeth. “What’s wrong with them?” He growls like a wolf. “Zeke…?” I back up and hold my hands out, as if he was the beast I placed upon him. My eyes water. “I- I know karate, s- stay back!” I shout. He collapses on the ground, breathing heavily. “Juu?”
“I’m here.” I collapse beside him, helping him up. “What happened?!” I ask. “I- I-” He sighs. “I’m sorry… my inner wolf hasn’t seen the light of day in… a while…”
“WHAT?! You have– ! I’m not even gonna-” I screech, and take a deep breath. Zeke takes my hand and kisses it. He gives me a cheeky grin, showing the full of his wolf teeth. “You’re so cute with those blue eyes of yours.” Zeke says charmingly. “Well, sir handsome, how may I serve you?” I purr. He chuckles and wraps his arms around my neck. I grin, too. “I love you.” I say and kiss him. He breaks us apart. “I love you, too.” He purrs. I take his hand and squeeze it. “C’mon, then, let’s go look for it!” I cry.
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- The others have already said it, but the pacing definitely needs some work here. Some more set-up would be good for the reader; it's ok to avoid info-dumps when possible, but when done well, they are ultimately vital to the story. It's good to leave the reader wondering about the world, but not when it gets in the way of them understanding the story in front of them.
- It's ok to just leave a dialogue tag as "said," and have it be the end. Adjectives may be able to express emotion, but sometimes the reader is able to see the intended emotion from the dialogue itself.
- By dividing the prose with the Dinkus (yes, I had to google the name of it just now) in Chapter 2, the prose implies time passing and that we are picking the story up at a different time. This may be true, but the text itself gives no sign of time passing other than the asterisks. The Dinkus could, theoretically, be removed entirely, with perhaps a passing sentence of action, and we wouldn't think any different of the events following. I suggest that you give some sort of indicator as to how much time has passed since Zeke's fight and the WilloWen conversation: was it days? Weeks? A couple of hours?
Please, feel free to ignore any of my ramblings.