Hello fellow Minecrafter, welcome to my useless guide of how not to die! Yeah, you, you there reading this, you must learn how to not die in a blockly land not-so-far from home! I know what you're thinking - I'm GOOD at Minecraft - but, you're probably not. After all, you still scream when you see creepers, don't you? You still scream when you find diamonds, right? You still scream when you chop down wood you block-hugging noob!

Anyway, enough accusations. If you're still reading, you've probably done those things, as the experienced players would have rage-quit. Or, you like my blog. In which case, you, my friend, have absolutly no taste in writing. Go read a book on the history of Minecraft.

Okay, so let's get onto the bit you want to hear....

HOW NOT TO DIE!!!!

We all like houses. Or bunkers. Or bins. Whatever you're living in, you like it. Or do you? Hmm... Would I like a bin?

Anyway, on Minecraft we all like houses. 

But, remember young player, or old player, or non-player who is oddly reading this, that houses don't have to look good.

It would be nice, but houses are there to stop creepers giving us hugs. See, on Minecraft, we're all so famous that our fans can't resist hugging us. And then they blow up with excitement. BOOM! 

On Minecraft, your first night will be hard. Wherever you spawn, you need to remember what to do first.

Shelter

Food

Ore

Those three. In that order.

Your shelter can be as simple as a dirt rectangle. But here's a tip: add a roof, spiders can climb!

But, a dirt rectangle would be rather dark. And you need coal or charcoal to make torches. 

So, make your shelter in a wall!

Idealy, you'll spawn near a hill or mountain. Grab some wood, and make a crafting table. Then, make a pickaxe. This may sound odd, but it'll work. Trust me!

Climb up your cliff to a nice flat wall made of stone. Or fly. I don't care. Just get your butt up to the wall.


Mine a 2 by 2 hole into the wall. This is your house. Nice, right? Cosy and... Small.

But don't worry, you can expand later.

If you're lucky, you might have found coal. That's always good. Use the wood from before to craft some torches.

Bam! Let there be light!

If you didn't find coal, don't worry. You'll be fine!

Now, use some spare wood and that crafting table (you didn't forget it, did you?) to make a door.

If you're out of wood, you have a tough decision.

Do you get more, or chill in your new house?

And the answer?

It depends where the sun is. If it's turning night, go into your house, block up the entrance (leaving a one block gap to see daylight) and relax. While it's night, you can expand your home with the pickaxe.

If it's not night, run and grab some wood. Craft some doors, stick them on your cave and you're good to go.

First Night - Survived!

But, that's not it. There are more nights, more monsters, more potatoes to eat!

You're going to want ore now, aren't you? A house isn't enough, now we want iron to make some armour and...

That's a good idea.

Well, just Mine carefully. Venture out equiped, or don't venture out at all!

A good starter kit is:

A sword (for those awkward fans that want hugs)

A pickaxe (how else will you get those ore?)

Some torches (unless you like the dark... Strange player)

Some food (Do I need to explain this... Eating is life!)

Some wood (To make more torches. Think you brought enough with you? Think agian!) 

Now, Player, never dig down!

You may have heard lots of reasons for this.

You might fall into lava, you might fall into a cave, you won't be able to get back out...

Wanna know the real reason?

Your loyal fans will follow you anywhere, so they will jump down your hole after you. Have fun escaping from their hugs and kisses!

A better way to mine is by making a staircase of stone. That way you still descend (slower, I know) but there's always an escape route. And you're destroying more blocks. 

Why is that good?

Those blocks offended me and need to die!

And you have a higher chance of finding ore!

So, now you know how to mine, build, and not die.

What else is there?

Farming. 

Food.

FOOD!!!

You could just kill animals. But you wouldn't do that to them.

You would? GET OUT YOU HORRID PERSON!

It's kinder and more reliable to make a farm.

Find some water. Plants like to go swimming while you're not looking.

Grab some wood. Yes more wood. No, I don't have anything against trees? Are you accusing me?

Craft a hoe, and use it on the dirt surronding the water.

What if there's no dirt near the water?

Place some there!

Now, find some seeds. To do that, you have to slap long grass until it cries out seeds. 

Throw the seeds in the dirt you used the hoe on.

Don't literally throw them, left click.

If blocks are thrown they run away crying. The Minecraftian term for that is despawning.

If you have spare wood (No Daniel I do not hate wood!) craft up some fences (you can do that, right?) and protect your farm.

Your adoring creeper and zombie fans will be after anything you've touched, so your seeds are at risk.

And once you've done those three things, you're pretty much sorted!

You now know how to Mine Not Die!

So, Player, I hope you've enjoyed reading this, and that it helps you in your endless quest to kill your fans.

But before you go...

One last thing...

Remember not to die!!