Either side of the video inside the little box there are two black bars which show that the video is not in the correct aspect ratio. Whereas my cinematic fills up the entire box.

You could probably use the Youtube Video Editor to remove the section at the end.

The graphic for the title was very nice but you should try and get rid of the black bars on the edge.

Also if you use the Minema mod then you can get super smooth camera shots. Here's an example of one of my cinematics that uses Minema - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2YMkuMtIc4

Also there seems to be a lot of empty black screen at the end.