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mudkip45's Avatar mudkip45
Level 32 : Artisan Fisherman
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Hi guys! This is a new story I'm working on.... as of writing this 'intro', I'm not sure what the title is. However, I want your opinions on this... as I like feedback! Constructive criticism is encouraged. Also, just in case you aren't able to pick it up, the text that is in bold and black... is the 'narrarating.' It plays a big part in helping to visualize the story, so tell me what you think about that too! :D I'll stop rambling and get on with it... hope you like it.

Episode 1 - Pilot
*BTW: Just incase you want to listen to the song I was listening to when I wrote this...it is above the rain sound effects (The rain effects can be dealth without. It
might overpower)

As I sat under that... that run down, splintered bridge that looks like it would fall at any minute, it felt like everything had stopped. Some of the planks that made the walkway on that bridge... they were sticking halfway out of their little... area thingies. The wires that held up the bridge... they probably would have fell and collapsed if even the slightest gust of wind would have got to them... but that didn't matter. I looked at everything that was in front of me... and realized how lucky I was... that it was all there... that I was here. Although she wasn't with me, I know she would be happy with what I had done. This is what she would have wanted. Many thoughts were entering and going through my head... but one in particular... how did it all come to this? The cold drops of the rain that made it through the cracks of the bridge ran down my face as I pondered how it all came up to this. This very moment in time... why? Why did it have to happen all this way? From the strange shell man... to the crazy woman who almost took my life from my nearly dead fingers... why? How? But... even if I could realize how this was caused.... that wouldn't reverse any of it... it wouldn't reverse the crimson tears the body sheds... it wouldn't change the thin, silver string's breaking... taking her away from me. But... even with these thoughts... I placed my hand, covered in mud, grass, and other such things from the grassy surface I had been sitting on for the past 3 hours... and put it to my head. Thinking it would somehow help me remember... but I didn't need the hand. I remember it all very well... a little to well.
Episode 2 - Reminiscence of the Past: Part 1
This episode's music (no sound effects this time)


The rain was relentless... like a child begging their parent to tell them the story again. My mind, like the little sibling, only aiding in that cause.... remembering everything that led up to this. Some memories... they are good. Others... are not. The rain was not giving in to stopping even the slightest bit... neither was my mind. Both begging and begging to hear the story again. I finally began to cave in, as I began to think back... When did it all begin? If I remember correctly, it all began when I was still back in College, which was not that long ago... or was it? I'm not very sure myself anymore...

I can't exactly remember how long ago it was... but it feels just like yesterday. That day... it just seemed like any other day. In fact. nothing weird was schedueled to happen that day. The only thing that was semi- out of the ordinay was that I was going to visit my girlfriend of 6 years, and even that wasn't that odd of an occurance. I went about my regular morning routine, greeted my roommate, said bye to him, and was on my way to my first class... math. I can't remember specifically what type of math, but it was for sure math. When I had arrived in the room, it all had seemed normal. I took my seat, drank my coffee so I wouldn't fall asleep due to the professor's lectures... and barely get through the class. However, the first strange event was just getting ready to reer it's head. 2 student's who rarely EVER talked at all... we're having an in-depth conversation... one sat to the left of me, and one to the right. I wanted to eavesdrop, but... who am I fooling. I eavesdropped. during their conversation, I picked up something interesting... they said that there was a mad man on campus. That he was going to be killing, and was let in by one of the students as some sort of revenge plot. It was probably just morning me, barely running on the coffee I drank, but I thought to myself 'if there really is some freak here with a gun, I can fight him off. Whateeever' (That was most definetely morning me... I don't think I'd ever be that dumb.) However, once they realized they were both leaning over me to talk, they both leaned back to their seats. I thought I'd ask a question... "So, you say there's some sort of mad man on campus? What does he have... a knife?"
"I doubt it. The most likely thing he has is a gun or a bomb."
"What?" Yep. That was my amazing response.
"You got cloth in your ears?! B-O-M-B! G-U-N! If you were as witty as my comeback, you'd hightail it out of here, prettyboy!"
Now it registered. But... I just blew it off. It was an unlikely rumor that had noone who could truly verify it. The whole idea was crazy.


Episode 3 - Reminiscence of the Past: Part 2
This Episode's Music:


What he said...it began to rattle through my mind. I kept telling myself it was a joke, a hoax, some rumor with no proof at all. And I made myself believe it. However, there was a part of me that couldn't help but shake the idea... I was pathetic. I was able to push it back and hold it down at the back of my mind... But it kept wriggling free... like someone trying to grip something while their hand was covered in butter. I went on to go to my next class... an english class. It went quite smoothly (besides the fact that I couldn't read the professor's handwriting if my life depended on it) until one thing happened....

'I NEED ALL YOUR ATTENTION! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!'
I thought to myself, what was this kid rambling about?
'LISTEN UP, ALL OF YOU! TH-....THER....THERE'S A KILLER ON CAMPUS!!!! RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!'

Quite fittingly, he was the only one who ran. Or made any sort of movement for that matter... goes to show you might want to explain yourself before you go jumping the gun... My next 2 classes ran smoothly enough (Although both mine and the professor's handwritings proved to be issues; for both parties.) At this point, the sun was hanging a little to the wild, wild, west, and the school's lights were still turned off (Just like that lightbuld inside most people's heads.... poof!) By this time, my lightbulb finally went off and told me the day was almost over. Horray.

Episode 4 - Reminiscene of the Past part 3
This episode's music:


The day was finally starting to die out... I could finally leave and stop listening to people ramble on about their stupid little conspiracy theories. I could just go back to my room, rest, and hope I don't have to hear any more of it tommorow. But... while I was walking back to my room... I couldn't shake the idea that they might be right. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't get the idea out of my head. It's like when someone tells you 'oh don't worry about it, nevermind' after they ask you for help.

On my way back to my room, I noticed some things. For one, there was an oddly low number of students (or just people in general for that matter) wandering around campus. The few people I did manage to find were right on their way into a building... maybe it's dangerous at 5 pm? I don't know, and to be honest, I'm done caring. But know that I think about it, it's probably just a sports game in which we actually have a chance of winning. That...would actually explain it pretty good. Well, atleast I finally made it to my room with my mind intact.

"Hey. You didn't forget we had plans, did you?"

Well, I DID... but not like I would tell her that... common sense.

"Nah, just came to drop off my bag. You ready to go?"

"Yep. Let's get going then."

"Alrighty."

I dropped off my bag, and then we were off. For the first few minutes, it was almost completely silent. Besides our footsteps of course. But I think she caught on to that, and got on me for it.

"Is something wrong? You're really quiet."

"Oh, uh... no... just thinking I guess."

"Thinking about what?"

Should have known she'd ask me that.

"Why, you of course, my lovely angel."

"Aww. Thanks, my... uh...I can't think of anything for you."

"It happens, love."

"I'll think of one for you before we get there! Promise."

We walked for about 5 or so more minutes, just going back and forth about random things. It was so nice to actually talk to someone who heard the same things I had to hear... or... I thought so. She heard different variations, and there was apparently a group of Freshman saying there was a demon on campus looking to kill someone... take a sacrifice or some crap like that. This, pretty much sealed the deal of it being a complete and utter hoax. Atleast I could rest my mind easy now. We were finally there.

"So how's your brother been since what happened last year?"

"Well, I think he's recovering fine. He doesn't really talk to me too much, so I'm just going off of what I got from him about a month ago."

"I still can't believe what that girl did to him. It's just horrible."

"I'm sure he'll recover. He's not the type to just drop dead after a quick jab."

"Yeah, I guess so... do you know what that girl is up to?"

"She's PROBABLY off looking for her next victim."

"That makes sense. She probably feeds off the sadness she gets from them."

"Wouldn't suprise me."

"Oh yeah! I had to ask you something. My parents wanted to know if y-"

In a second... in a MERE second... she was standing... but... she wasn't... she was being held... I caught a quick glimpse of a figure holding her... but in that same second she was brought up... she was sent flying down. I ran over to her to see what had happened... I was so confused... I ran over to her, and checked to see if she was ok. She wasn't. That pulse that was carrying conversation was now non-existent. A small slit on her throat from some sort of blade was all that I could see that was different about her.

"N-no...no....NO.... no no no....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

It's almost like I thought my scream would somehow make her rise back up, and tell me it wasn't anything. Like it was just a scratch. I was truly an idiot. Where was everyone else? I don't know... but I felt as though I would soon find out. I looked to my left, and the kid sitting next to us reading a paper... was dead. The girl who made our coffees... dead. All with the same slit on the throat. No blood. No scream. No tears. I took a good look again around me... and there was more bodies. I saw one body fall straight out of a window. There wasn't any blood before the fall. I... I didn't have any clue as to what was happening. It all happened so quick. She was just lieing there in my arms, as the dead count increased. I was in such a shock, that I just stood there. Maybe I was hoping it would come for me. It would take me along with all of these people. I slowly stood up, with a whirlwind of sadness, confusion, and pure despair. I had no clue what was going on... or what I should even do.
Episode 5 - A path not yet walked
This episode's music:



I stood there for probably over 10 minutes... maybe 30... I don't remember. She laid in my arms for the greater part of my time there, though. I couldn't put her down... I didn't want her to leave me. I wanted to just sit here with here, and atleast pretend she would wake up. It took me alot of mental struggle; but I eventually managed to put her down. Before I left, I stared at her. I picked her up, set her in the chair, and fixed her up. I fixed her hair to how she usually had it, evened down her shirt, and cleaned the dirt and mud off of her. When she was all cleaned up, I pulled out my phone, and took one final picture of her... but I knew that a phone could die at any moment, or lost easily. I went around, looking for a camera that could print me out a picture. I looked around, and eventually made my way to the head's office. Luckily, he had a camera sitting there... but it was in his hands. A picture was sticking out of it already, and was of... nothing. I took the picture and put it in my pocket, along with the camera. I went back to her to find that her hair had blown out of place. I quickly went over there, brushed it back into place, and got the camera ready. I took one final picture of her... then I picked her up, and carried her over to a pile of dirt. I placed her down next to it, then moved her back by our table. I pulled out a pen and paper, and wrote down a message should anyone ever come and find her body. I looked down... and said my final goodbye to her. After that, I went around campus to see if anyone else had survived. I couldn't find a soul. I headed back to my dorm, and packed up some bags. I then went and packed up medical supplies, food, and other needed, assorted items. It was after all this... I made my way to the road. Walking down what seemed to be an endless path.
Episode 6 - Confusion's Taunting Thoughts
This episodes music:


I was walking... and walking... until, I finally realized something. What was I doing? Why am I just walking away like nothing happened? I stopped, pulled out my phone, and called 911. I didn't get any kind of answer. I checked my reception, but it was fine enough to make atleast a decent call. I called back... and no answer. I did this probably around 20 times, until I realized I wasn't going to get an answer. I thought a minute, panicking slightly, until I called my dad. He didn't answer. I called my Mom... she didn't answer. The 911 was confusing, but I know it's possible they just didn't have the phones near them. I then called my brother... no answer. I just went from 'slightly worried' to worried. I wasn't exactly just across the street, so I couldn't run over and check on them. I started to debate whether to keep moving forward or to run back, and go back to the school. I had no clue what was going on... why people just died... HOW people just died. I closed my eyes, spun around a few times, then just started to walk. If I couldn't decide, then I'd let fate and destiny do it for me. I didn't look behind me at all, knowing that this is now the path I take. But I couldn't stop thinking about it... the sheer confusion as to why no one answered started to taunt my mind, telling me all these things that may have happened. To try and settle my mind, and prove it was just bad reception, I sent out a text... hoping it wouldn't send to prove me right... but It did send. Rather fast actually. My mind became a warzone after that. Shooting ideas left and right hoping to hit some kind of conclusion. It never did. Nothing was seeming to add up in any way shape or form. I just started running in the direction that fate put me in. I didn't know where I was going, or where I could end up... but it was somewhere. Maybe there was someone there, wherever there might be. I kept moving. I couldn't stop, incase there was someone over there. I just needed to find someone. The path looked as if it dragged on for miles ahead... or maybe it was just my mind, letting me know how truly painful and long this was going to be.
Episode 7 - The Sad Truth
This Episodes Music:


I didn't look back. Wherever I was heading, that was it. Honestly, once I find someone else, this is all over. I'll find out something is wrong with this phone, or the service is all messed up due to some hacking thing... It'll be fine. It's all going to be fine. I'll find out it was just mind games... maybe I just saw things... MAYBE it's a dream! That has to be it. No other way possible this could happen... but it really doesn't feel like a dream. Maybe It's a lucid dream... or maybe it's not. Maybe my mind wasn't playing games, my phone ISN'T broken, and I'm not dreaming. It's all reality, isn't it? It would have been so easy to just tell myself I'm dreaming, but I didn't want to lie. I didn't even realize how loud my harsh, fast, steps on the concrete had gotten. It sounded like someone was running for dear life across this thing... maybe I was? I still can't understand why I was the only one left... was I left as some kind of joke? Something for whatever that was to laugh about later? Maybe I was left as a scapegoat... I honestly don't know. What's even the point if this path just keeps moving forward? Just walking down another long road. What is even the point? I know for a fact this isn't a dream... and my phone sure as Hell can't be that broken. Wait - Is that... a building? Has that always been there? To be fair, I never actually walked down this path... Maybe there's someone here! I atleast have to check... Even if no one is there, it just feels right to.

Well, the place looks even worse than where I came from... there's blood everywhere... even some organs here and there. It wouldn't suprise me too much if I came across an arm or leg soon. The place is dead quiet... creepily dead quiet. I guess it wouldn't be too creepy though if what had happened... well, DIDN'T just happen. Well, assuming if it was around a common class time or not would affect it too... why am I trying to calm myself? I guess I'll just look down this way then... looking past the large, ornate water fountain (which cleaned most of the blood around it) there isn't anything too extraordinary here. I mean, there's some small oak trees along that pathway, but other than that, it's just a... campus? You can't be serious... this is a college? Oh, I think it's just an entrance. Seeing this place in the way it's in... kinda reminds me of my college... I guess I'm just going to try to block that out... but how can I? How do you just block something like that out of your mind? No, I just don't think about it at all. Just look at more of this place... grey brick building, small little rent house over there... a pond, swimming with fish... it seems like a nice place. Quiet, but nice... but I think I might hear something... No, I'm just losing it again... or... maybe I'm not. I swear I can hear someone crying... That's definitely someone crying... they probably had it worse than I did... maybe I should go try to find them... I think that's them...

It was a girl... sitting on a bench near the main school entrance. She had her head in her arms as she just sat there crying. I feel her pain, but it looks like she took it a lot worse than I did. If she's feeling anything like I did when it first happened, it would probably make her feel better just to see a person who isn't dead or being killed. If I'm going to go over there though, I need to put on some kind of brave face. Be strong for the both of us... or something like that.

I went over to the bench, and looked down at her... she didn't even notice me, and kept crying. I took a seat on the bench and tried to find the right words to say

"Uhm... Hi."
Episode 8 - Bit By Bit
This Episode's Music:


I went over to the bench, and looked down at her... she didn't even notice me, and kept crying. I took a seat on the bench and tried to find the right words to say.

"Uh... Hi."

She raised her head and looked towards me, her eyes filled with tears... There was a... well, a decently-lengthed silence between the two of us. I thought that she might be in too much of a shock to talk, but she finally uttered something.

"N-no..."
"Uuh?"
"No! No! No!"

She threw her head back into her arms and went back to crying. I haven't got the slightest idea on what to do.

"Look, we've been through the same thing. Some weird thing just came here and killed everyone right?"

I think I hit something. She raised her head again and started to look at me.

"Y-yeah..."
"I know what you're going through. I went through it not too long ago... and it sucks. It sucks losing people you love... and it feels even worse not even knowing HOW they died... even though you saw it with your own eyes.."
"It...It really does..."
"Hey... Is there anyone else here still alive?"
"...I really didn't look."
"Well, I'm going to go look. Did you want to come?"

It didn't take long to realize everybody there was dead. There wasn't a sound anywhere... and we did look in quite a few places.

"That's the whole place... I guess nobody else survived."
" I guess not... but what now?"
"Uh... What... exactly do you mean?"
"What do we do now that we know everyone's dead? Do we just... do we just live here like nothing happened? Do we just walk away... What do we do?"
"Well, me personally... I think there is someone out there who knows why and how this happened, not to mention other people who survived this Hell. I don't know where they are, or who they are... but I just feel it... I just feel that somebody knows. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go and look for that person... And if you'd like to come with me, you're more than welcome."
"Uhm... I.. I guess I don't really have any other options... do I?"
"When you put it like that it sounds a lot worse than it really is."
"I'm coming with you..."
"Well... I guess we're off then... did you want to do anything before you leave?"
"I just want to leave. There's nothing more I have to do with this place."

And like that we were off. She went and packed up some things, and then... we were off. Back down that same road the led me here in the first place...

"If we're going to be together for a while, we should atleast know each others name's right?"
"I guess so."
"My name's Nicole... but everyone who knew me called me Nikki. It's a pleasure to meet you."

For the first time, her sad expression brightened up into a smile.

"My name's Adam... and likewise, it's a pleasure to meet you."
"You don't have to be so formal... haha..."
"If I remember correctly, I believe YOU were the first to be 'so formal.'"
"We could go back and forth all day about who started it."
"Oh, I'm sure we could... but we both know you started it."

And so we went... somehow laughing as we put the bloody campusses behind us... how we did it, I have no clue... but now we walked down that same road, going blisfully unaware of wherever this path would take us.
Episode 9 - Puella perdidit in Silva


Ahead of us was a small looking forest... well, small as in it wasn't a giant mass of trees. I guess it was kinda big. But not too big. Just like those little things you'd see on the side of the highway when you'd drive past. Enough trees so you'd notice, but you knew you wouldn't get lost.

Well, I guess I better ask her if we're heading through or not. I personally wouldn't mind, but I'm not sure if she's got an issue with it or not.

"So... we going to head through?"
"Uhmm... Sure."
"Well, alrigh-"
"W-wait. Is it fine if I hold onto your arm? I used to get lost and left behind by my brother all the time in forests when we were kids. He'd tell me he's going to the bathroom and then I'd hear him sprint off."
"Oh. Sure."
"Thanks. I know it's weird, I'm just really paranoid of forests because of that."
"There must have been a really bad time to make you paranoid."
"Well, when I was 5, my brother left me once, and before he 'went to the bathroom', he told me to stay there so I wouldn't get lost and we could get home faster when he came back. I heard him sprint off, but I thought he wouldn't do it again. We knew it was gonna rain hard so I trusted he wouldn't trick me again... I sat there waiting for three hours, and eventually it got dark. I just assumed at this point nobody was ever going to come get me, so I started crying really loud. Eventually my Dad came and found me, but he was furious with my brother. It's really stupid to still be scared of the woods, I know. It's just something I can't shake though."
"It's fine. If it's that bad to still be eating at you, I won't try to bring it up much. Let's just get through here."
"Ok. Thanks again."
"Yeah, don't mention it."

We walked in silence for a good while. The farther we got in, the harder I could feel her heart pounding. It must be really getting to her, but I promised I wouldn't bring it up, so I won't. But her tightening grip is slightly concerning.

"Hey, you holding up alright?"
"Yep, I'm doing alright. You?"
"I'm, uh... fine. Thanks for asking."
"Adam, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, shoot."
"How come you were so calm when we met? I mean, you said you saw... that too. How come you were almost like nothing even happened?"
"...W-well, uh... I just kind of drew St-"

Just then, a blinding light came at us. I'm not sure where it came from, but when it hit, It hit hard. I couldn't see a thing, and I don't think she could either.

"Would you happen to know where I could find an... Adam? Have you seen anyone named that around here?"
"You're talking to him right now... what do you want? And who are you?"
"Oh my... you're much different than what I thought you'd be. I was expecting someone much more... physically imposing. And I see you have a friend."
"Who are you?... And what do you want?"
"Now, Adam, there's no need to be so hostile. There's plenty of time for that later on. All I need you to do is take my hand, and we'll be off. You can even bring your new friend if you want?"
"Yeah, no thanks. but I appreciate your offer."
"Hmph. If that's how you'll be, then so be it. Farewell, Adam. We'll meet again, trust me. Take care of yourself."

That obnoxious light finally went away... just in time to see who... she's not there. That's slightly irritating.


"Was she someone you knew?"
"No... hey, what's that thing on your arm?"

Episode 10 - Tai tiesiog mums
"Hey, what's that thing on your arm...?"
"......."
"Nicole...?"
"N-Nicole?!"

When I turned my head for a second, she was lying on the ground, just like the others were... First thing I did was check for a pulse, and luckily, there's still a solid one there. I guess maybe the shock from that girl threw her off. Either that or the lights. I need to stay by her, but I... I feel like I need to find that girl. Why was she looking for me? And judging by how she responded to seeing me, she hadn't seen me before. That only raises more questions. I guess I'll just have to carry Nicole while I look for her.

"Look, uh... Whoever you were, I don't know if you're still here, but I have some questions for you. So if you're hiding behind one of the trees or something, show yourself."

Well, I can't say I didn't try.

I walked around for about a good hour before I found something interesting.

"What's that thing on the ground? It looks like some kind of diary... or a pocket notebook. And it's open to a page with a portrait and... my name on it? And there's other pages just like that. The one next to mine is for a 'James West.' And after that a 'Nicole Armenta.' The picture looks just like Nicole... Armani Hawthorne, Dana Koehler, Ema Nite, Leonardo Trudeau, Iris Turnbull, Zachary Koehler.... What is this book? Is this some kind of hit-list? Renee Rios, Markuss Reed, Jon Damons... And it keeps going....Mckenna V-
"Vail. Mckenna Vail."
"Is this book... yours?"

There wasn't blinding light this time. Standing there was a girl with long white hair in a black dress. She had pale skin and blue eyes that started at me with a look I can't describe. Something between suprised and sorrowful. She started to walk towards me and saying something.

"I can see you've already looked through some of that notebook... I'd appreciate it back now."
"I'll give it back, but I have some questions first. Especially after finding this thing."
"Alright, Adam. You can ask as many questions as you'd like, as long as you return the book."
"Alright. Why were you looking for me and how do you know me?"
"I was looking for you because your name was in that book. Unfortunately, the portrait left there wasn't very accurate. I suppose that also answers how I know you... the book."
"Ok, but why were you looking for people from this book? I'm gonna guess I'm not the only one you're after."
"You're important. I don't know why, but you are. There's a reason you're in the very front of the book. And it also happened you were very close by. I couldn't pass the opportunity. I'm supposed to take you back with me, but I don't know exactly where back is."
"You seem a lot less confident from the last time we talked. Did you find out something?"
"No... I can't seem to remember much about our last encounter. Or much past that. My memory seems to be clouding. All, as of now, that I can remember is that I need to gather as many people from that book as possible. I don't know where I'm supposed to take them, but I know that I need them together."
"So is it accurate to say I'm not talking to quite the same person I was earlier?"
"Yes, that seems correct. Even as we talk, my memory starts to get cloudier."
"I guess I only have one more question then... Are you responsible for the mark that just showed up on Nicole's arm?"
"The mark seems to be some kind of symbol... so it most likely wasn't naturally occuring. Unless you made other encounters, it seems safe to say I was somehow responsible for it."
"Alright, then that's that. I appreciate you trying to answer what you could... Now take this and go."
"Yes. Thank you, Adam. I will be back one day to try and gather you aswell. I hope our meeting next time doesn't end up on such hostile terms."
CreditI DO NOT OWN THE (lovely) SONGS OR THE SOUND EFFECTS. But you already knew that :)
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11 Update Logs

Update #11 : by mudkip45 02/14/2017 7:22:23 pmFeb 14th, 2017

*Added Episode 10
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1
12/29/2016 7:03 pm
Level 13 : Journeyman Dragon
Nash_Nash
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Nice!
1
12/29/2016 7:07 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Fisherman
mudkip45
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Thank you ^-^
1
12/29/2016 5:43 pm
Level 4 : Apprentice Explorer
stinkybill5
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tl;dr take a diamond
1
12/29/2016 5:45 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Fisherman
mudkip45
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Thank you very much ^-^
1
12/27/2016 10:42 am
Level 13 : Journeyman Nerd
Strauss
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Very well written too bad I couldn't diamond twice though ;o;
1
12/27/2016 10:44 am
Level 32 : Artisan Fisherman
mudkip45
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Aw, shucks. Thank you very much ^-^
1
12/27/2016 10:45 am
Level 13 : Journeyman Nerd
Strauss
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You're welcome friend ;D
1
12/26/2016 11:01 pm
Level 40 : Master Mlem Mlem Bat
jman5000555
jman5000555's Avatar
Ok, so this story is good, but definitely needs polish. So like the pacing is a bit awkward, with everything happening so fast. There are several moments where things kinda don't make sense? Like Adam, finding another college after running, or him taking a picture of his dead girlfriend. But some weirdness aside it isn't too bad. The biggest problem I had was getting lost in the story, like very much in the beginning I didn't know where I was or why things were moving so fast. That could easily be solved by fleshing out the world a little bit and adding a little bit more to the class scenes and the big murder scene when the girlfriend died. So I know I brought up a lot of negatives, but this story has a lot going for it, it has a pretty good plot, well timed cliffhangers and you made me interested for the characters.
1
12/26/2016 11:26 pm
Level 32 : Artisan Fisherman
mudkip45
mudkip45's Avatar
Thank you ^-^ I agree, the pacing is very off lol. It defininitely doesn't help that some parts were released with many months inbetween, which would normally be fine, but I wasn't very consistent. The episodes I take the most pride in are the 1st and the 9th. The 1st mainly because I feel it had the best atmosphere, and the 9th because I feel it remains the most constant with the episode before it. But like you said, pacing is something I DEFINITELY need to work on. It's an issue I feel like I've had with multiple stories I've written, so It's really something I should practice with. I notice I get very antsy and want to move fast, so slowing down is definitely a good way to go. The way I'm going to try and look at it is, "If it's that good, it's worth build up and waiting for." Nevertheless, thank you for the critique and compliments on the story. I really appreciate it ^_^
1
02/24/2016 12:40 am
Level 24 : Expert Nerd
_Insane
_Insane's Avatar
Wow, this blog is incredible! Can't wait to see what this becomes, what you are able to mold it in to.
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