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The King And Three People

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TheLittlePlanet's Avatar TheLittlePlanet
Level 12 : Journeyman Ranger
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Once upon a time, there were three people living in a house. Two parents one son. and he was named steve. He was 5. Heres where it began: There were two knights on horses, and they galloped to the house. The knight knocked on the door and the dad opened the door. One knight had a scroll, and he said: This is from the king. And he closed the door and read it. it said: Hello, fellow friend. Remember that person you betrayed when you got the gold all for yourself? That was me. now, i want that gold or you're going to prison! Sincerely, The King. That was the end of the note. he though it was very short, not much detail. at all.. He didn't even know where the king was. the castle was in the middle of nowhere. Maybe because they didn't want to be attacked. Oh well. then the mom said: Who was it? then he said, Oh, it was no one. just a old man wanting some money. then she said: Did you give him some? So he said: No, i don't give gold to random people. Ok, well, im going to bed. Good night. Good night, said the dad. So he got a pouch of rocks and ran outside, and he saw the knights and he ran towards them. he said, Can you take me to the king? He wants something. so he gave the pouch of rocks to the knight and the knight said, Ok. So about a hour later they saw the huge castle. and the other knight whispered: Hey, did you even look in the pouch? maybe theres only rocks in there. so the knight looked in and he was right. Rocks. but he didnt do anything. He just kept galloping to the castle. when they got there, the knights woke the dad up and he was cuffed. and the knight said: Come with me. so the dad went, without questioning why he was cuffed. They went to the castle and brought him to the king. The king asked "do you have the gold?" "Yes". so the knights who brought him searched him, and they found nothing. But just then, some knights called in saying "Someones at the gate, king". so the king said "Who is it?" "A old man". answered the knight. "What does he want?" "I don't know" said the knight. "Well then dont let him in."

But the knights didnt listen to the king, so the knights opened the gate. and the knights whispered "you distract the king while i get the prisoner!" told the knight. "Ok" said the old man. "How did you get the armor?" asked the old man, "The basement." answered the mom."why is he in here?" "He wants to entertain you". said the mom. so the old man went to distract by juggling some balls while the son and mom took him to the basement. the mom whispered "Theres a way out from here" she brought him to a upstairs hall and went through the back door and got out. They took the three horses and rode to their home. but the king found that out, and they sent some archers and knights and rode to they're home. but they werent there, everything was taken and cleaned. They moved somewhere no one could find them. THE END.
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pokerrymon
05/02/2013 5:20 am
Level 21 : Expert Archer
pokerrymon's Avatar
WHY SO SHORT
still its a great story and here comes dat constructive critisisometingsmicantspell>:T
I think its just a bit short :S and it lacks paragraphs. moar descriptions? :3
the punctuation is okay but i have no idea when they are talking or what
everytime someone talks, you should make it a new paragraph to make it more readable and dun forget them talking marks. Also try your best to not use said
whispered, questioned, asked, muttered, mumbled, laughed, ordered, lied, etc try not to use said as much. Story seems okay, but why is it in ARTICLE?
1
TheLittlePlanet
05/02/2013 1:40 pm
Level 12 : Journeyman Ranger
TheLittlePlanet's Avatar
im gonna make it longer, it was just late yesterday and i didnt want to finish it. ill try my best to not include said :P
1
pokerrymon
05/03/2013 2:35 am
Level 21 : Expert Archer
pokerrymon's Avatar
XD good luck with trying not to include said btw its really hard for me >8U
1
Military Minecraft
05/01/2013 3:36 pm
Level 74 : Legendary Engineer
Military Minecraft's Avatar
Diamond and sub! :)
1
TheLittlePlanet
05/01/2013 3:43 pm
Level 12 : Journeyman Ranger
TheLittlePlanet's Avatar
Thanks :D
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