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Descendant of Herobrine (part 2)

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Civilization's Avatar Civilization
Level 14 : Journeyman Pokemon
15
Eyes that were just as bright as the sun, bright white eyes......

Part two

I slowly started to wake up. I was at my parents house, in my old bed room.
"Haley?!" Matthew said as I was waking up "Are you okay, What happened last night?"
"Matthew? I'm fine." I said as my parents walked in. "I'll talk to you later." He nodded and left the room.
"Hey sweetie how are you feeling?" My mom said, standing next to me.
"I'm fine, where did Matthew go?"
"He went home, I'll be right back I'm going to get you some ice for you head. You took a bad a fall" She left the room.
"Fall. I don't remember falling." I said now looking at my dad.
"Henry found you outside of that mining system near your house. He said you were lying on your back, He thinks you fell and hit your head while falling." He said while looking at the back of my head.

It was slowly coming back to me. I remember walking into the tunnel about 5 blocks away from the object. Then it hit me a huge gust of wind pushed me backward. Next thing I know I'm ten blocks in the air, getting higher and higher by the second. The thing was holding me by the neck almost choking me. By the time we stopped I finally got a good look at it. It looked just like my father, but older. He had brown hair, and tanned skin, a cyan shirt, and blue jeans.
"Hero-" He let go of me before I could finish what I was saying. It seemed as if it would take hours before I hit the ground but before I knew it, I hit it. Luckily I landed in the mud so it didn't hurt as badly as it could have. My head was jerked forward then jerked back, when my head fell back it hit a rock. That's all I could remember.

"I need to talk to Matthew."
"Not now, you need to rest. You can talk to him tomorrow."
"But Dad its important." I said hoping he would let me talk to him.
"If its that important then why can't you tell me."
"You wouldn't understand, you'd probably think I'm crazy."
"Okay then." My mom came in with a bottle of ice.
"Here Haley, you can put the ice on you head and when it melts you'll have a drink too." She said.
"Mom can you hand me my book." I said pointing to a book on a table in the corner of my room. She handed me my book. I opened it to the first page, and tried to look like I was interested in the book. I waited until they left the room.
I ran to the window, "Matthew? Where are you?"
"Right here. Help me up." He was hiding in a bush under my window. I ran to a chest I had at the end of my bed and grabbed some rope from inside it.
I ran back to the window "Here grab this." I said and tossed down the end of the rope to him. "I'll pull you up."
"Now can you tell me why you have to live on the second floor of you house?" He said laughing to himself.
"Shh. I don't want my parents knowing what we're doing. I'm not allowed to have any visitors today."
"Okay I'll be quiet, as long as you tell me what happened last night." So I told him the story. At first it seemed as if he didn't believe me, but turns out he wanted to help me as much as he could.
We made up a plan. At 12 o'clock we would meet at the tunnel and look for Hero Brine. He would get us armor and what ever tools we made need. I would get us torches and food.
Once he left I looked all over my room for wood and coal. I found 16 coal and 16 wooden sticks. With that I made 64 torches. After I made those I grabbed a bag and stuffed them in there. I had to wait til 10 o' clock for my parents to finally go to bed. Once I heard there bed room door shut I left my room and quickly tip toed down the stairs to the kitchen. I grabbed all of the bread I could find. Then searched for some bottles that way I could pack us something to drink.
I checked my clock It was 5 minutes til midnight.
"I better hurry up." I said to myself.
I slipped out the door trying to not make any noise. I reached the front of the tunnel. Matthew was already there.
"Here put this on, and here are some tools, a diamond sword, pickaxe, and shovel." He handed them to me
"Thanks, oh and here are some torches, and some bread." i gave him half of my torches, then I put on the armor. I have the torches in one hand, and the sword in the other hand.
"Ready?" He said looking at me.
"Ready."

(This one is not that interesting mainly because they haven't exactly seen herobrine yet. Part 3 should be a little more interesting. Also I am looking for a new picture for the blog, I want one that kinda goes along with the story line. If you or someone you know can make me a picture that would be great. Just pm me if you have a picture, and say something like "I have a picture for you herobrine story." And I Most likely will send you my email, or maybe you could create a blog with the picture as the blogs cover and send me a link to that blog, Last thing if anyone wants to make a skin of Haley, that would be epic, I think it would be cool if there was a skin to go with the girl, and if you want make a skin for her can you make her have long [mid back] brown hair? And make her have like the same skin color of herobrine but a little lighter and brown eyes. okay Thanks!)
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1
06/25/2012 2:52 pm
Level 26 : Expert Fisherman
KillerScytheable
KillerScytheable's Avatar
Ohhhh Climax!!!
1
06/09/2012 8:22 pm
Level 30 : Artisan Architect
brodimus
brodimus's Avatar
can i go on your server and build?
1
06/04/2012 8:28 pm
Level 10 : Journeyman Network
Adam
Adam's Avatar
The movie was better...

But anyways, great writing! All of these are pretty good. You should definitely consider being an author when you grow up. ;)
1
06/04/2012 8:55 pm
Level 14 : Journeyman Pokemon
Civilization
Civilization's Avatar
Movie? Anyway thanks
1
06/04/2012 8:23 pm
Level 22 : Expert Dragon
MapleKirby
MapleKirby's Avatar
AWESOME STORY!
1
06/04/2012 12:21 pm
Level 14 : Journeyman Mage
Cenaria
Cenaria's Avatar
Good story, but it is a bit confusing to read when you are not English. It is VERY chaotic. You could make it way better when you would add some comma's:
Like: "Okay I'll be quiet as long as you tell me what happened last night."
Would be: "Okay, I'll be quiet, as long as you tell me what happened last night."

For all the writers who read this and think: "No, that isn't needed at all." :
I have NO experience at all with writing stories myself, it is just what I think should make the story better. Please correct me if I am wrong.

And, as Zeylander said below, it wouldn't hurt to let some people read it vefore you publish it, because now there are some typo's because of remaking a sentence some times which leads to places where things are said twice(which is seen in part 1) or just extremely chaotic parts in the story.

Still, the core of the story is good, have a diamond!
1
06/04/2012 6:33 pm
Level 33 : Artisan Mountaineer
StBrahmintippa
StBrahmintippa's Avatar
I agree with you, it needs to be revised a little bit because of some typing errors. Other than that, it was overall better than the first part in my opinion. I also agree with LOLDA in the sense of giving your writing a voice. Try to cut down on speeches or add more paragraphs that describes what's going on. Thanks.
1
06/04/2012 10:26 am
Level 12 : Journeyman Skinner
skinedtor
skinedtor's Avatar
1
06/04/2012 8:09 am
Level 49 : Master Ninja
LOLDA
LOLDA's Avatar
Hmmm, let me give you another artists opinion. The story has a good plot, but lacks good describing vocabulary, and there is too much talking. You need to give detailed descriptions on where your character is currently at, and there surroundings. For example-
"I slowly started to wake up.
"Haley?!" Matt said as I was waking up "Are you okay, What happened last night?"
"Matthew? I'm fine." I said as my parents walked in. "I'll talk to you later." He nodded and left the room.
"Hey sweetie how are you feeling?" My mom said, standing next to me.
"I'm fine, where did Matthew go?"
"He went home, I'll be right back I'm going to get you some ice for you head. You took a bad a fall" She left the room.
"Fall. I don't remember falling." I said now looking at my dad.

"Henry found you outside of that cave system near your house. He said you were lying on your back, He thinks you fell and hit your head while falling." He said while looking at the back of my head.
It was slowly coming back to me. I remember walking into the tunnel about 5 blocks away from the object. Then it hit me a huge gust of wind pushed me backward. Next thing I know I'm ten blocks in the air, getting higher and higher by the second. The thing was holding me by the neck almost choking me. By the time we stopped I finally got a good look at it. It looked just like my father, but older. He had brown hair, and tanned skin, a cyan shirt, and blue jeans. "

Where is this guy now? I presume that the guy is in his bedroom, then boom! His suddenly somewhere else. That, I don't understand. But, other than that, and having WAY to many speeches, the story is good. Also, work a little bit more on the plot, your climax comes way to fast, and that doesn't include everything else. Other than that, thumbs up from me! :D
1
06/04/2012 7:42 am
Level 15 : Journeyman Scribe
Zeylander
Zeylander's Avatar
ok sooo i dont understand... some one please shed a little light on the crippling darkness that is my confusion. how is it that short stories like this, with almost no interesting detail that provides an image in your head, and no interesting, descriptive vocabulary... get about 600 views(rounding) and part one got almost 900, while in the meantime, my story has only gotten me about 7 subs 8 dia and like almost no views compared to this???? im not haten on you Civilization, but i really dont understand how you got so many views for such a simple short story. if you revamp your vocabulary a little bit and try to add more descriptive language to cause some imagrey to happen then i think this would be fine. so fyi im not haten on you. im just a bit baffled is all.
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