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Dialga
hello everyone my name is dialga, as some of you know I write stories on wattpad, I just started my new story which is an MLP jurassic park crossover and I need opinions on the prologue, here goes
Dialga's POV
'"This is Jurassic Park! Where InGen have kindly given us the money to re-create dinosaurs! We will reward you a life-time free pass to the park if you will invest $5000 at the least to fund th-edgh" I heard the automatic bot say, as the helicopter's windows cleared whilst it soared down from the thick clouds, revealing the crisp, green island contrasted by the vibrant blue waters surrounding it. It was truly beautiful, I thought to myself
"Don't be worried. all we need to do is lay the eggs down in a nest, the others can be taken by the second group of ponies that should come in a day or two" The captain flying the helicopter said firmly to me.
"You found these in the water correct?" I asked him. "most likely it'll be a mosasaurus egg. We can't just let it down in any old raptors nest!"
"Why?" replied the captain
I sighed "Mosasaurus' are extremely dangerous, and to my knowledge even out of water they can be a threat."
Suddenly something out of nowhere hit the chopper and it fell down into the trees "Hold on!" I screeched as it crashed.
There were 10 other terrified ponies in the chopper along with me and the captain. There was an almighty roar and along came the bulkiest dinosaur known to man/pony, the Giganotosaurus. I sprinted to the back of the chopper and started uncovering the emergency Rocket launchers but the dinosaur bit off a chunk of metal from the front of the chopper taking the terrified captain with it. The captain squealed and was swallowed whole whilst the huge beast was trying to claw into the chopper at the same time. The beast fled and all went black.'
Link to story (WARNING: the rest of the story contains rude language, unsuitable for young children):here
made some adjustments that Skitto493,ethan8905 and Find Them Creepers suggested + some more of my own
Dialga's POV
'"This is Jurassic Park! Where InGen have kindly given us the money to re-create dinosaurs! We will reward you a life-time free pass to the park if you will invest $5000 at the least to fund th-edgh" I heard the automatic bot say, as the helicopter's windows cleared whilst it soared down from the thick clouds, revealing the crisp, green island contrasted by the vibrant blue waters surrounding it. It was truly beautiful, I thought to myself
"Don't be worried. all we need to do is lay the eggs down in a nest, the others can be taken by the second group of ponies that should come in a day or two" The captain flying the helicopter said firmly to me.
"You found these in the water correct?" I asked him. "most likely it'll be a mosasaurus egg. We can't just let it down in any old raptors nest!"
"Why?" replied the captain
I sighed "Mosasaurus' are extremely dangerous, and to my knowledge even out of water they can be a threat."
Suddenly something out of nowhere hit the chopper and it fell down into the trees "Hold on!" I screeched as it crashed.
There were 10 other terrified ponies in the chopper along with me and the captain. There was an almighty roar and along came the bulkiest dinosaur known to man/pony, the Giganotosaurus. I sprinted to the back of the chopper and started uncovering the emergency Rocket launchers but the dinosaur bit off a chunk of metal from the front of the chopper taking the terrified captain with it. The captain squealed and was swallowed whole whilst the huge beast was trying to claw into the chopper at the same time. The beast fled and all went black.'
Link to story (WARNING: the rest of the story contains rude language, unsuitable for young children):here
made some adjustments that Skitto493,ethan8905 and Find Them Creepers suggested + some more of my own
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yeah, it was a spoof, i was originally going to have it as the spinosaurus, but seeing as anything with the word pony in it could potentially get you a c&d from hasbro, i decided to try playing it safe with universal's lawyers.
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thanks Reer!
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I see you have updated the story, nice. Just do a re-read of it and fix some of the errors like "i" and there is a small place where it sounds strange "in day or two". But good work!
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EsvDefconvaxivopI had never thought I would live to see the day where a MLP-Jurassic Park crossover would crawl out from whatever twisted fantasies OP had and see the light of day. What. The. Actual. Fridge.
This.
I don't judge you for what you do in your free time
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vaxivopI had never thought I would live to see the day where a MLP-Jurassic Park crossover would crawl out from whatever twisted fantasies OP had and see the light of day. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
This.
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mlp Jurassic park crossover....
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thanks for the feedback! skitto and ethan helped me quite alot + find them creepers, i will write from the first person perspective.
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Written pretty blandly. Not very many conventions, the words don't flow, and it's pretty choppy. Try and make it flow better, as in, use more and better adjectives, find synonyms, make the sentences more fluid, etc.
Also, you mention it's a chopper, and then a plane, and then a chopper again..
Also, try writing it from a first person perspective. It will be easier to read, easier to write, and it will sound better. Plus, you don't have to clutter your story with quotation marks.
Also, you mention it's a chopper, and then a plane, and then a chopper again..
Also, try writing it from a first person perspective. It will be easier to read, easier to write, and it will sound better. Plus, you don't have to clutter your story with quotation marks.
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Also, you should make a new paragraph whenever a new person speaks. It is more professional and is easier to read. In example:
'"This is Jurassic Park! Where InGen have kindly given us the money to re-create dinosaurs! We will give you a life-time free pass to the park if you will Invest $5000 at the least to fund th-edgh" the voice of the fully automated bot spoke as the helicopter flew over the island
"Don't be worried. all we need to do is lay the eggs down in a nest." The captain flying the helicopter said.
"You found these in the water correct?" asked Dialga, "most likely it'll be a mosasaurus egg. We can't let it down in any old raptors nest!"
Suddenly something hit the chopper and it fell down into the trees "Hold on!" Dialga screeched as it crashed.
'"This is Jurassic Park! Where InGen have kindly given us the money to re-create dinosaurs! We will give you a life-time free pass to the park if you will Invest $5000 at the least to fund th-edgh" the voice of the fully automated bot spoke as the helicopter flew over the island
"Don't be worried. all we need to do is lay the eggs down in a nest." The captain flying the helicopter said.
"You found these in the water correct?" asked Dialga, "most likely it'll be a mosasaurus egg. We can't let it down in any old raptors nest!"
Suddenly something hit the chopper and it fell down into the trees "Hold on!" Dialga screeched as it crashed.
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Expand, make tension, as someone above said, more adjectives. The prologue is meant to make me want to click the link.
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I had never thought I would live to see the day where a MLP-Jurassic Park crossover would crawl out from whatever twisted fantasies OP had and see the light of day. What. The. Actual. Banana.
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Needs more adjectives
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Instead of "flew over the island", try "the helicopter's windows cleared as it soared down from the thick clouds, revealing the crisp, green island contrasted by the vibrant blue waters surrounding it.
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Skitto493 is right, it needs more adjectives and more detail. For the part where it says "but the dinosaur bit off the front of the chopper taking the captain with it" you could say "but the dinosaur bit off the chunk of metal from the front of the chopper taking the petrified captain with it." So these small little details can make a story more interesting and make people think more.
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Bump
