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Can I get opinions on the prologue of a story?

1 emerald16 replies581 views
created 10/19/2014 6:24 am by Dialga
last reply 10/21/2014 3:14 pm
hello everyone my name is dialga, as some of you know I write stories on wattpad, I just started my new story which is an MLP jurassic park crossover and I need opinions on the prologue, here goes

Dialga's POV
'"This is Jurassic Park! Where InGen have kindly given us the money to re-create dinosaurs! We will reward you a life-time free pass to the park if you will invest $5000 at the least to fund th-edgh" I heard the automatic bot say, as the helicopter's windows cleared whilst it soared down from the thick clouds, revealing the crisp, green island contrasted by the vibrant blue waters surrounding it. It was truly beautiful, I thought to myself
"Don't be worried. all we need to do is lay the eggs down in a nest, the others can be taken by the second group of ponies that should come in a day or two" The captain flying the helicopter said firmly to me.
"You found these in the water correct?" I asked him. "most likely it'll be a mosasaurus egg. We can't just let it down in any old raptors nest!"
"Why?" replied the captain
I sighed "Mosasaurus' are extremely dangerous, and to my knowledge even out of water they can be a threat."
Suddenly something out of nowhere hit the chopper and it fell down into the trees "Hold on!" I screeched as it crashed.

There were 10 other terrified ponies in the chopper along with me and the captain. There was an almighty roar and along came the bulkiest dinosaur known to man/pony, the Giganotosaurus. I sprinted to the back of the chopper and started uncovering the emergency Rocket launchers but the dinosaur bit off a chunk of metal from the front of the chopper taking the terrified captain with it. The captain squealed and was swallowed whole whilst the huge beast was trying to claw into the chopper at the same time. The beast fled and all went black.'

Link to story (WARNING: the rest of the story contains rude language, unsuitable for young children):here
made some adjustments that Skitto493,ethan8905 and Find Them Creepers suggested + some more of my own
Posted by avatar
Dialga
Level 37 : Artisan Pokemon
68

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16 replies

10/21/2014 3:04 pm
Level 58 : Grandmaster Cyborg
Knightsundere
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jT8TUowrkLU

Unless you meant to spoof it, of course.
10/21/2014 3:14 pm
Level 37 : Artisan Pokemon
Dialga
yeah, it was a spoof, i was originally going to have it as the spinosaurus, but seeing as anything with the word pony in it could potentially get you a c&d from hasbro, i decided to try playing it safe with universal's lawyers.
10/21/2014 3:01 pm
Level 37 : Artisan Pokemon
Dialga
thanks Reer!
10/21/2014 12:50 pm
Level 55 : Grandmaster Terraformer
Reer123
I see you have updated the story, nice. Just do a re-read of it and fix some of the errors like "i" and there is a small place where it sounds strange "in day or two". But good work!
10/21/2014 12:36 pm
Level 37 : Artisan Pokemon
Dialga
EsvDefcon
vaxivopI had never thought I would live to see the day where a MLP-Jurassic Park crossover would crawl out from whatever twisted fantasies OP had and see the light of day. What. The. Actual. Fridge.

This.

I don't judge you for what you do in your free time
10/21/2014 12:25 pm
Level 60 : High Grandmaster Programmer
EsvDefcon
vaxivopI had never thought I would live to see the day where a MLP-Jurassic Park crossover would crawl out from whatever twisted fantasies OP had and see the light of day. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

This.
10/21/2014 12:12 pm
Level 31 : Artisan Dragon
The_Big_Dish
mlp Jurassic park crossover....
10/21/2014 12:07 pm
Level 37 : Artisan Pokemon
Dialga
thanks for the feedback! skitto and ethan helped me quite alot + find them creepers, i will write from the first person perspective.
10/20/2014 4:23 pm
Level 33 : Artisan Dragon
Find Them Creepers
Written pretty blandly. Not very many conventions, the words don't flow, and it's pretty choppy. Try and make it flow better, as in, use more and better adjectives, find synonyms, make the sentences more fluid, etc.

Also, you mention it's a chopper, and then a plane, and then a chopper again..
Also, try writing it from a first person perspective. It will be easier to read, easier to write, and it will sound better. Plus, you don't have to clutter your story with quotation marks.
10/20/2014 4:17 pm
Level 54 : Grandmaster Dragon
Skitto493
Also, you should make a new paragraph whenever a new person speaks. It is more professional and is easier to read. In example:

'"This is Jurassic Park! Where InGen have kindly given us the money to re-create dinosaurs! We will give you a life-time free pass to the park if you will Invest $5000 at the least to fund th-edgh" the voice of the fully automated bot spoke as the helicopter flew over the island
"Don't be worried. all we need to do is lay the eggs down in a nest." The captain flying the helicopter said.
"You found these in the water correct?" asked Dialga, "most likely it'll be a mosasaurus egg. We can't let it down in any old raptors nest!"
Suddenly something hit the chopper and it fell down into the trees "Hold on!" Dialga screeched as it crashed.
10/20/2014 4:15 pm
Level 55 : Grandmaster Terraformer
Reer123
Expand, make tension, as someone above said, more adjectives. The prologue is meant to make me want to click the link.
10/20/2014 4:03 pm
Level 45 : Master Spelunker
vaxivop
I had never thought I would live to see the day where a MLP-Jurassic Park crossover would crawl out from whatever twisted fantasies OP had and see the light of day. What. The. Actual. Banana.
10/20/2014 4:03 pm
Level 54 : Grandmaster Dragon
Skitto493
Needs more adjectives
10/20/2014 4:08 pm
Level 54 : Grandmaster Dragon
Skitto493
Instead of "flew over the island", try "the helicopter's windows cleared as it soared down from the thick clouds, revealing the crisp, green island contrasted by the vibrant blue waters surrounding it.
10/20/2014 4:33 pm
Level 29 : Expert Dragon
EthanConcept
Skitto493 is right, it needs more adjectives and more detail. For the part where it says "but the dinosaur bit off the front of the chopper taking the captain with it" you could say "but the dinosaur bit off the chunk of metal from the front of the chopper taking the petrified captain with it." So these small little details can make a story more interesting and make people think more.

10/20/2014 3:11 pm
Level 37 : Artisan Pokemon
Dialga
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