• 8/25/24 1:13 am
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BroccoliTheGirl“Mary, it doesn’t have to be like this!” He said, circling her, by the kitchen island. I peeked out from my hiding spot, my Mom, Mary, was avoiding my Dad, Oliver. Oliver, however, was a serial killer, and my Mom just found out and was trying to get him out. ETA for the cops was 15 minutes. Could she hold off that long?
“Mary, come on… Come with me and Emma-” I cringe at hearing my name, “-and we can be safe again. Please…” My Mom just shook her head, “Oliver, turn yourself in, we can’t live with a-a killer!” Her hands were shaking and I thought back to this morning. It felt like forever ago…
I walked around, “Dad?” Where was he? We were going to be late for my favorite movie! I turned the corner and stopped, my Dad was dragging a kid with a bag over his head into our attic. Me and my brother were scared of it so my Dad claimed it as his ‘office’. I quickly turned back and listened to the sound of the kid being dragged, the door closing, and my Dad sighing. I try to get myself together and my Dad walks around and sees me. “Oh!” He smiles, slightly panicked. “Hey, Emma.” He was so… natural about it. “Uh, hey Dad. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the park with me and Mom.” He knew something was off. “Sure.”
When we came home I hid in the cabinet, something I did when I was nervous or scared. I must’ve fallen asleep because I woke up hearing him with my Mom. She must’ve found the kid in the attic… Oh no. I’m tempted to get out to defend her but it’s likely he’d kill us both. I snap out of my remembering-state to hear my Dad, now yelling, “Where is she?! I haven’t seen her since the park.” I look out again and my Dad is pushing my Mom into the counter, tears down her face and my Dad’s face twitching angrily. My Mom whispers “Stop… Oliver-” “Where is she, Rachel?!” He demands again. That’s it, it may be my death but at least it won’t be my Mom’s. Okay… I got this… I carefully get out and my Dad’s head snaps to stare at me and he smirks, he looks insane. “There you are, why are you in the cabinet?”
Then he does the most creepy, scary, maniac-like laugh before turning from my Mom to me. My body freezes in the tension and I feel like I’m seeing my life before my eyes, he notices this and walks closer, I attempt to move but I tip over and he catches my arm and I flinch. He laughs again. “C’mon, you were fine... before you knew.” My Mom shuffles over and my eyes bug out of my head, what was she doing?
I got my answer soon enough, as she ran into him, tipping him over. He curses and starts dog-fighting her as I run out the door, I pause in the doorway and look back. My Dad pushes her off and stands up, that’s my queue to go. I run past our house, our neighbors and I turn into my favorite hiding place. If I was stressed or sad I would hide out here and just… Think. I needed to do that right now. I breathed heavily and closed my eyes. He was acting weird before… Talking about all those girls who got kidnapped… The murder that went house to house in our neighborhood… This was so much… Too much. The cops should be there by now! Maybe I can go back... But-
“This wasn’t very original, Emma.” I hear a cold, maniac, but familiar voice ring out.
“Mary, come on… Come with me and Emma-” I cringe at hearing my name, “-and we can be safe again. Please…” My Mom just shook her head, “Oliver, turn yourself in, we can’t live with a-a killer!” Her hands were shaking and I thought back to this morning. It felt like forever ago…
I walked around, “Dad?” Where was he? We were going to be late for my favorite movie! I turned the corner and stopped, my Dad was dragging a kid with a bag over his head into our attic. Me and my brother were scared of it so my Dad claimed it as his ‘office’. I quickly turned back and listened to the sound of the kid being dragged, the door closing, and my Dad sighing. I try to get myself together and my Dad walks around and sees me. “Oh!” He smiles, slightly panicked. “Hey, Emma.” He was so… natural about it. “Uh, hey Dad. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the park with me and Mom.” He knew something was off. “Sure.”
When we came home I hid in the cabinet, something I did when I was nervous or scared. I must’ve fallen asleep because I woke up hearing him with my Mom. She must’ve found the kid in the attic… Oh no. I’m tempted to get out to defend her but it’s likely he’d kill us both. I snap out of my remembering-state to hear my Dad, now yelling, “Where is she?! I haven’t seen her since the park.” I look out again and my Dad is pushing my Mom into the counter, tears down her face and my Dad’s face twitching angrily. My Mom whispers “Stop… Oliver-” “Where is she, Rachel?!” He demands again. That’s it, it may be my death but at least it won’t be my Mom’s. Okay… I got this… I carefully get out and my Dad’s head snaps to stare at me and he smirks, he looks insane. “There you are, why are you in the cabinet?”
Then he does the most creepy, scary, maniac-like laugh before turning from my Mom to me. My body freezes in the tension and I feel like I’m seeing my life before my eyes, he notices this and walks closer, I attempt to move but I tip over and he catches my arm and I flinch. He laughs again. “C’mon, you were fine... before you knew.” My Mom shuffles over and my eyes bug out of my head, what was she doing?
I got my answer soon enough, as she ran into him, tipping him over. He curses and starts dog-fighting her as I run out the door, I pause in the doorway and look back. My Dad pushes her off and stands up, that’s my queue to go. I run past our house, our neighbors and I turn into my favorite hiding place. If I was stressed or sad I would hide out here and just… Think. I needed to do that right now. I breathed heavily and closed my eyes. He was acting weird before… Talking about all those girls who got kidnapped… The murder that went house to house in our neighborhood… This was so much… Too much. The cops should be there by now! Maybe I can go back... But-
“This wasn’t very original, Emma.” I hear a cold, maniac, but familiar voice ring out.
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Have something to say?
Constructive criticism:
A bit cliche, grammar could be better, and the names we're pretty confusing, and I think you switched from past tense to present a couple times.
A word of advice
Have it in third person, it looks and feels much better.
Example:
Karson was walking down the wet misty street.
Sounds allot more emersive then;
I am walking down the wet misty street.
Doesn't it?
And maybe I'll rewrite it in the future!
i feel like you left it on a cliffhanger agh