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The following is a transcript of a speech given by █████████ █████████ on the ████ of ██████ ████.
Laws of Vampire Capture and Evasion: A Study in the Scarlet Scourge
Hello hunters and researchers, and welcome to the monthly meeting of the Cryptid, Overall Folklore, Freak, and Entity Enthusiasts! (Or COFFEE) I am todays speaker and host, it is a great honor to be here among you all.
This month we will be discussing vampires and how to successfully capture one.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are being hunted down by a vampire, there are several strategies you can employ. Most well known of these vampire slaying methods include the wooden stake, garlic, and natural light among other things. However, if one wishes to capture a vampire, other methods must be employed.
Unlike other monsters and creatures of the night, the common vampire is surprisingly easy to corral, especially considering it’s high intellect by monster standards.
Vampires, by their very nature, cannot cross streams of fresh running water of any kind, passing such a stream or river would force a vampire to walk around or otherwise go away entirely. A vampires repulsion towards running water is surprisingly not connected to the water itself at all, and instead seems to take on a more otherworldly nature, as they cannot cross overtop bridges. A vampire is not harmed by water, but still is incredibly uncomfortable with coming into contact with it, however using normal water (not holy water) is not recommended for any sort of vampire repellent as they are often willing to endure it to achieve their goals. This ability to endure water however implies that the hatred of crossing rivers is something altogether unavoidable for the vampire, as if they are simply incapable of it.
Another strange weakness of the common vampire is their inability to stop themselves from counting any group of objects presented to them in any enticing manner. (or perhaps just any context that brings to mind the question, “how many X was that?”) This particular quirk of the vampire has been picked up upon in various vampire media including popular childrens television show sesame street, (a bit of famously pro-monster pro-vampire media which, frankly, invites more problems to itself then show runners are likely prepared to deal with.) in which resident vampire ‘The Count’ feels a need to count practically everything he comes into contact with, albeit entirely unprompted. (perhaps due to OCD or arithromania? Not my field of expertise.) Throughout history this knowledge has been used to delay vampire attacks by dropping bags of sand or small rocks when in a vampires field of vision, any vampire will know what this means and will be forced to count ever bit of it individually, any attempts to do otherwise will be met with an appearance of some sort of full body paralysis. Fair warning however as this will cause the vampire to become very angry and will likely cause you to become a specific and pursued target.
However with both of these vampire factors in mind there is a technique (albeit only theoretical) that easily allows for the capture and even easy slaying of any vampire in only a few easy steps. This technique was discovered and documented by myself in my most recent publication of The Capture and Study of Malicious Beasts: Cryptids of Folklore (which can be purchased at the gift shop outside) and it has been backed up and supported by various seasoned vampire hunters and researchers. The first step of course is to find a vampire, then to locate any rivers that may happen to be nearby. Once a suitable river has been found, gather one or more pouches of small rocks or sand to carry with you for the final step, two is recommended as the first is useful for initially angering the vampire, causing it to follow you. Once you have confirmed the vampire is tracking you, quickly make your way on a boat or bridge to the center of the waters, once there, wait for the vampire to approach the river's edge before proceeding with the next step. Finally, when the vampire is looking directly at you and what you are doing, simply drop the bag of small stones to the bottom of the waters where the vampire cannot reach, the vampire will be halted, unable to move away from the water, and unable to enter it. The vampire will not be able to harm you and you should be able to subdue it with relative ease. Alternatively, if once wishes to instead kill the vampire, waiting until the sun rises is the easiest option and doesn’t require any of the mess of alternative methods.
In conclusion, vampire capture is one of the more logical and straightforward methods of monster hunting and research which any prepared hunter should be fully capable of, due in particular to a vampire’s predictable and consistent weaknesses. If adopted, it is believed that this technique will bring about a new wave and generation of vampire knowledge, as well as the general improvement of vampire prevention worldwide.
Thank you for your time, I wish you all the best in your research. For any further questions please see me outside, I will be signing copies of my book at the gift shop if anything is needed of me.
IN ADDITION
Dear sir or madam of who it may concern,
due to the unfortunate circumstances surrounding the tragic loss of one Arthure Pratchwald I have found (with the help of the Cryptid Containment Unit) that it is in my best interest and also the best interests of all receiving this letter for me to add an additional clarification to my original speech.
The garlic clove will not (NOT) protect you from vampires in any capacity whatsoever, in fact garlic is a scent very easy for a vampire to follow and in some cases may make you more likely to be attacked.
The myth that garlic repels vampiric beings is a lie spread by vampires (most famously, former vampire scientist and vampire hunter Beauregard Finchley, who hid his transformation for decades in the 1870s) in order to trick victims into effectively destroying themselves through their ignorance. In reality, (and what I thought was implied and wasn’t even the focus of my speech) vampires are repelled not by the garlic clove but by the garlic flower, or really even any sort of antibiotic, garlic being more of an ancient example than anything with more modern practicality. My speech was on the topic of running water and stone counting, not on garlic or antibiotic repellants, because the point was how to capture a vampire as effectively and efficiently as possible.
In any case however, I would like to send my formal regards and best wishes to the Pratchwald Family, may your blood run ever warmly. And to his esteemed university, West Cryptid University (of which I have heard much about the quality of their curriculum) I mourn with them the loss of what most assuredly must have been their greatest and most promising student.
I am happy to do any service for the Vampire Research and Hunting community, which is why I am complying with the demand to send this letter to any and all attenders of my last conference, despite the obvious discomfort it might put me in as a scholar and as someone who’s name one Arthure Pratchwald might perhaps now associate with his loss of blood circulation.
Warmest blooded regards,
█████████ █████████
Laws of Vampire Capture and Evasion: A Study in the Scarlet Scourge
Hello hunters and researchers, and welcome to the monthly meeting of the Cryptid, Overall Folklore, Freak, and Entity Enthusiasts! (Or COFFEE) I am todays speaker and host, it is a great honor to be here among you all.
This month we will be discussing vampires and how to successfully capture one.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are being hunted down by a vampire, there are several strategies you can employ. Most well known of these vampire slaying methods include the wooden stake, garlic, and natural light among other things. However, if one wishes to capture a vampire, other methods must be employed.
Unlike other monsters and creatures of the night, the common vampire is surprisingly easy to corral, especially considering it’s high intellect by monster standards.
Vampires, by their very nature, cannot cross streams of fresh running water of any kind, passing such a stream or river would force a vampire to walk around or otherwise go away entirely. A vampires repulsion towards running water is surprisingly not connected to the water itself at all, and instead seems to take on a more otherworldly nature, as they cannot cross overtop bridges. A vampire is not harmed by water, but still is incredibly uncomfortable with coming into contact with it, however using normal water (not holy water) is not recommended for any sort of vampire repellent as they are often willing to endure it to achieve their goals. This ability to endure water however implies that the hatred of crossing rivers is something altogether unavoidable for the vampire, as if they are simply incapable of it.
Another strange weakness of the common vampire is their inability to stop themselves from counting any group of objects presented to them in any enticing manner. (or perhaps just any context that brings to mind the question, “how many X was that?”) This particular quirk of the vampire has been picked up upon in various vampire media including popular childrens television show sesame street, (a bit of famously pro-monster pro-vampire media which, frankly, invites more problems to itself then show runners are likely prepared to deal with.) in which resident vampire ‘The Count’ feels a need to count practically everything he comes into contact with, albeit entirely unprompted. (perhaps due to OCD or arithromania? Not my field of expertise.) Throughout history this knowledge has been used to delay vampire attacks by dropping bags of sand or small rocks when in a vampires field of vision, any vampire will know what this means and will be forced to count ever bit of it individually, any attempts to do otherwise will be met with an appearance of some sort of full body paralysis. Fair warning however as this will cause the vampire to become very angry and will likely cause you to become a specific and pursued target.
However with both of these vampire factors in mind there is a technique (albeit only theoretical) that easily allows for the capture and even easy slaying of any vampire in only a few easy steps. This technique was discovered and documented by myself in my most recent publication of The Capture and Study of Malicious Beasts: Cryptids of Folklore (which can be purchased at the gift shop outside) and it has been backed up and supported by various seasoned vampire hunters and researchers. The first step of course is to find a vampire, then to locate any rivers that may happen to be nearby. Once a suitable river has been found, gather one or more pouches of small rocks or sand to carry with you for the final step, two is recommended as the first is useful for initially angering the vampire, causing it to follow you. Once you have confirmed the vampire is tracking you, quickly make your way on a boat or bridge to the center of the waters, once there, wait for the vampire to approach the river's edge before proceeding with the next step. Finally, when the vampire is looking directly at you and what you are doing, simply drop the bag of small stones to the bottom of the waters where the vampire cannot reach, the vampire will be halted, unable to move away from the water, and unable to enter it. The vampire will not be able to harm you and you should be able to subdue it with relative ease. Alternatively, if once wishes to instead kill the vampire, waiting until the sun rises is the easiest option and doesn’t require any of the mess of alternative methods.
In conclusion, vampire capture is one of the more logical and straightforward methods of monster hunting and research which any prepared hunter should be fully capable of, due in particular to a vampire’s predictable and consistent weaknesses. If adopted, it is believed that this technique will bring about a new wave and generation of vampire knowledge, as well as the general improvement of vampire prevention worldwide.
Thank you for your time, I wish you all the best in your research. For any further questions please see me outside, I will be signing copies of my book at the gift shop if anything is needed of me.
IN ADDITION
Dear sir or madam of who it may concern,
due to the unfortunate circumstances surrounding the tragic loss of one Arthure Pratchwald I have found (with the help of the Cryptid Containment Unit) that it is in my best interest and also the best interests of all receiving this letter for me to add an additional clarification to my original speech.
The garlic clove will not (NOT) protect you from vampires in any capacity whatsoever, in fact garlic is a scent very easy for a vampire to follow and in some cases may make you more likely to be attacked.
The myth that garlic repels vampiric beings is a lie spread by vampires (most famously, former vampire scientist and vampire hunter Beauregard Finchley, who hid his transformation for decades in the 1870s) in order to trick victims into effectively destroying themselves through their ignorance. In reality, (and what I thought was implied and wasn’t even the focus of my speech) vampires are repelled not by the garlic clove but by the garlic flower, or really even any sort of antibiotic, garlic being more of an ancient example than anything with more modern practicality. My speech was on the topic of running water and stone counting, not on garlic or antibiotic repellants, because the point was how to capture a vampire as effectively and efficiently as possible.
In any case however, I would like to send my formal regards and best wishes to the Pratchwald Family, may your blood run ever warmly. And to his esteemed university, West Cryptid University (of which I have heard much about the quality of their curriculum) I mourn with them the loss of what most assuredly must have been their greatest and most promising student.
I am happy to do any service for the Vampire Research and Hunting community, which is why I am complying with the demand to send this letter to any and all attenders of my last conference, despite the obvious discomfort it might put me in as a scholar and as someone who’s name one Arthure Pratchwald might perhaps now associate with his loss of blood circulation.
Warmest blooded regards,
█████████ █████████
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EMERGENCY ADDITION - To whom it may concern : by chickenpants93 11/30/2023 10:14:19 amNov 30th, 2023
Attached is a letter clarifying a single and tangentially related sentence of apparent great concern in my last speech, please copy and send this out to the attendants of my last lecture. (Disregard sending any copies to members of the family “Pratchwald.”)
Regards,
█████████ █████████
Regards,
█████████ █████████
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im not sure if the shower would work, but staying indoors is obviously always the best plan of action for vampire avoidance. however, the capture or killing of a vampire comes with many complications, and you can’t stay in your house forever. That’s where this plan would come in very useful.