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The Outbreak: Chapter 1: Feedback is awesome!

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MinecraftRemakes's Avatar MinecraftRemakes
Level 29 : Expert Skinner
27
Now a days the infected are everywhere. Grocery stores, banks, even the swimming pool! I'm still not sure why this happened. I probably will never find out. All I know is it happened only a week ago.
Me and my family were sitting in the living room watching the news. I was sitting on the Lazy boy chair petting my pet hamster Abby. My mom and my step dad Mike were sitting in the middle of the couch. My mom's long red hair was resting upon Mike's sturdy shoulders. Next to mike was the littlest in the family, Mathew. He has jet black hair an glasses. he looks a little like Harry Potter. Next to my mother was the second to youngest, Andrew. He has red hair and freckles. Next in line was my older brother, Sean. He has long brown hair and is in his mid-teens. Finally is me. I have short blonde hair and light blue eyes.
As I stroke my hamster's long white fur, I listen to the television.
The News broadcaster on the left says, "So if you're looking for a..."
Then it happened. All of the lights shut off. The clock on the microwave disappeared.
"Black out!" Mathew yelled with an exited look on his face. Ever since that earthquake awareness assembly happened at his school he's had a safety kit for everything. I guess it was finally his time to shine.
"I'll go see if the whole neighborhood's out." I say surprisingly bravely. I even shock my self when I say it. I tend to be a generally wimpy kid. My family looks at me weird for a moment and then my mother says, "Alright."
I walk out the front door and look down the street. Then I begin to hear a strange noise. I hear a footstep and then something dragging. That sound continues until a shape forms in the fog. It looks like a normal human being except for one thing. His foot is bent upside down. I stare, speechless for a couple of seconds. I awaken just in time to realize that the creature is charging at me yelling nonsensical things at me.
I dash inside as quickly as possible and lock every lock on the door. As I hold the door shut I say to my family, gasping and wheezing, " We have a problem..."

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-MinecraftRemakes
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1
07/18/2012 8:14 pm
Level 16 : Journeyman Taco
Kerrtastic
Kerrtastic's Avatar
I agree, it cool, but too short! I like it, and am interested in having you in my new event, the Living Story! We have a topic chosen, and one writer, you would be the second ( I am the Third, then). If you arent interested in writing, you could do skins for the story, or just some simple editing! Let me know if your interested!
http://www.planetminecraft.com/blog/living-storyblog-and-skinning-event/
1
07/12/2012 7:47 pm
Level 37 : Artisan Pixel Painter
xxsg24xx
xxsg24xx's Avatar
I think its awesome a few mistakes i found in it talking as if it wasnt your brother unless i had the point of view incorrect but awesome story great intro good way to show what each character looks like and what characters are in the setting. Set up a settiing i noticed to not see any settiing in the story add more to the story like yodud said and continue the story diamond for u
1
07/05/2012 10:50 am
Level 23 : Expert Dragon
Yodud333
Yodud333's Avatar
Its a nice story, great intro... so yeah you deserve a diamond! But perhaps maybe my only problem is its a little short... I would have liked to read more ( So its both some criticism and a compliment ;)) So keep going ! (and writing)
1
07/05/2012 4:14 pm
Level 29 : Expert Skinner
MinecraftRemakes
MinecraftRemakes's Avatar
Thank you very much! I greatly appreciate it.
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