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Want feedback :)

kreeperkiller 8/18/13 2:32 pm
861
8/19/2013 10:44 am
Just before I start, I'm not sure if this is in the right place, so feel free to move it xD

Okay, so anyway, I'm wanting to start writing a few short stories for competitions and stuff, so I wrote one for this website : http://247tales.wordpress.com/
and I was wondering what you thought of it.
There's 5 things I want you to take in to consideration before you read this xD
1) I'm 11, so haven't had much story writing experience aside from school
2) Almost continuing the thing above, I'm mostly new to writing stories outside of school so it isn't my best work. My best was in school but the school kept that book when I left.
3) I'm fully aware that this isn't 247 words, I'm going to edit it to make it a few less later
4) I don't think I'm the best story writer, but I am looking for feedback so just say what you think. If you think it's terrible, maybe just soften it down a little, but do tell me if you don't like it and I'll give it another shot.
5) 247 words, can't explain much, so sorry about that. Most my other stories are in MUCH more detail xD
That is all here is the story :3

Click to reveal
We watch as the new sun grows closer and closer. Me and Jack. Jack and me. We do (and always have done) everything together, from staring out the window together to… well, to be honest, that is all we’ve been doing since we boarded ‘The Star’
Recently, though, things have been different. We still walk, talk and act the same way, but everything feels somehow tenser between us, and the rest of the guys on board, and we both know it.
As we both stare out the window, that long, immaculate, glass window, Jack does something that changes the story all together. He turns to me, and he says, “I can’t”
“C…can’t what?” I ask, surprised he’d said anything at all; usually the whole ship is silent as we drift further and further into space, and the space beyond that, and most likely the space beyond that too.
“I can’t take this anymore. We had potential. As humans. Our whole race did. We reigned supreme. Until we were forced onto these ships…” Jack spits as he speaks, glaring at the ground.
“I wouldn’t say forced...” I begin, but I am cut off by my friend, who replies with more venom than he had used before.
“I would. Can you remember what happened to Sadie?”
“Don’t” I say firmly.
Jack sighs. ”What potential do we have now?”
He waits for an answer. I am silent.
“Exactly. So what’s the point?” he says, as he looks at me sadly, then runs to jump out of the emergency exit door.
Posted by
kreeperkiller
Level 5 : Apprentice Dragonborn
13

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9

TheMCBros99
08/18/2013 9:56 pm
Level 10 : Journeyman Pixel Painter
Ehh Im not a story guy, and it was too in detail o.o my head hurt D:
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kreeperkiller
08/19/2013 10:44 am
Level 5 : Apprentice Dragonborn
haha most my stories are like this and uh.. worse in your case xD
but thanks, Ill read it thru a few more times
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TheMCBros99
08/18/2013 4:44 pm
Level 10 : Journeyman Pixel Painter
Dont really like it
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kreeperkiller
08/18/2013 5:57 pm
Level 5 : Apprentice Dragonborn
Thanks for saying that
Might sound wierd but oh we'll cant impress everyone
I think I'm gonna extend the middle of this first rather than carrying on for now
Honestly? I'm not too keen on it myself xD
But a story's a story so best I could do in roughly 247 words


One thing:
Anything you think I can improve on aside from more detail or just in general don't really like it? XD
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Star
08/18/2013 4:39 pm
She/Her • Level 51 : Grandmaster Cowboy Cowboy
Great story, better than what I would do. c:
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kreeperkiller
08/18/2013 5:54 pm
Level 5 : Apprentice Dragonborn
Thank you :3
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kreeperkiller
08/18/2013 2:48 pm
Level 5 : Apprentice Dragonborn
Okay just realised most people wont bother reading cause i guess 11 is the stupid little kid age to most people but oh well, I got one person's opinion xD
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Osca32
08/18/2013 2:39 pm
Level 18 : Journeyman Architect
That's really good, although the ending cuts it off a tad short.
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kreeperkiller
08/18/2013 2:47 pm
Level 5 : Apprentice Dragonborn
thanks
I think that once ive entered im gonna extend it
Just didnt want it to get so long i couldnt edit it to 247 words
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