Suicide

John Li trudged to the alleyway. That cursed, bloodied alleyway.
The wind started to pick up, rain lightly falling.

Cold he thought.

Everybody would be heading inside, not wanting to be caught in the middle of a storm.

Nobody would check on the gunshot. Why would they?

They didn’t last time… last time.

John shook his head.

Last time was his fault. He shouldn’t blame others for not trying to help.

He turned into the alleyway where it happened. This was where John was going to pay for what he had done.

John brought the gun in his hand up to his brain.

He didn’t pull the trigger. He couldn’t.

WHY! Why can’t I just do it!?

He was weak. That’s why.

Too weak too weak to run. Too weak to survive on his own. Too weak to save Vanessa… Vanessa.

John had to do this. To make everyone else’s lives easier.

A life for a life. Raul told him that.

John fell to his knees, tears forming in his eyes. No tears John told himself.

But why couldn’t he cry? He was going to die very soon anyway.

John let himself cry. The tears flowed down his cheeks to the muddy ground by his knees. The tears were indistinguishable from the rainwater rolling down his face.

Just one more minute of life, then John would kill himself.

Why did John want to live just a small minute more?

Probably because part of John, the naive part, wanted Roy to stop him.

But… why would John want him to?

Raul had ordered John the punishment of banishment and death. Raul explained to John that John should end his own life.

John had resisted at first, of course. He was a scared child. Scared to face the consequences of his own actions. John eventually realized that Raul was right to pass that punishment onto him. As Vanessa’s father, it was Raul’s duty to get retribution for her death. John looked up from the mud. He could almost see himself standing there in shock. Doing nothing as Vanessa struggled to fight the man.

John, pick up the gun and shoot him. Vanessa’s last words.

Vanessa had trusted John. that was a mistake… her last mistake.

Vanessa…

“I’m so sorry,” John sobbed, “I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so sorry Vanessa. I was the one who ended your life. I meant to shoot the man. But the shot got you too.”

John let the memory creep out.

After the bullet went through the man’s shoulder, it had gone into Vanessa’s heart. John froze at the entrance for a few second, then scrambled to Vanessa’s dying body. He was too late. She died there the second he took her in his hands. He didn’t get to tell her that… that he loved her.

A minute had passed, probably more. John raised the gun. This time to his heart. A fitting death. Same way Vanessa had died.

Except of course that Vanessa had died by someone she trusted.

John would end his life, then his pitiful existence would be over.

No more failures that would harm others. He would never hurt another person again.

But… Roy.

No, it would better for Roy as well if John just ended it now.

If John didn’t, then Roy would have to deal with him. He probably despised John for what he had done to Vanessa.

John hadn’t been able to even see Roy for the past few days. He didn’t want to anyway. The disappointment Roy no doubt felt towards him now… it would simply be too much.

Roy’s father was Raul’s right hand man. Naturally, Roy and Vanessa had been friends since before they could talk.

And Roy was the one to find John in a different alleyway all those years ago.

Back then, John was beaten, no longer had parents to go to.

Roy was the one to take him into Raul’s street gang. He taught John the ropes of this strange, new place. Convinced Raul to have the gang take care of him.

And now, John had hurt Roy. A betrayal unforgivable.

Roy would never talk to John again.

John had lost everything, thanks to his own failure.

Lost his home.

Lost Roy… and Vanessa. His only friends.

All that was left was his life. And that was meaningless now. John couldn’t do anything good or right.

Just do it already John told himself.

Do it. Do it. John could have sworn that at that moment, he could hear all the people in his life telling him to do it.

Do it. His mom.

Do it. His dad

Do it. Roy.

Do it. Raul.

Do it… Vanessa.

John, his eyes dry from his crying, put his finger on the trigger. And did the only right thing in his life. He fired the gun. The sound exploded into his ears.

Then, he felt the wound. And his head hit a rock dug into the mud.

Was that… a scream he heard? A deep scream. Just for a second.

Then everything went black.


John opened his eyes.

How? I shot myself. I should be dead!

He was lying on a bed. A thin blanket lay on him.

There was a bedside table with a meal on it. Meat and fruit. And a wooden cup next to it.

John was alive.

No! This wasn’t supposed to happen!

He had to find a way to kill himself. And fast, because whoever healed him would probably be back any second.

The food plate and cup were wood, so he couldn’t use those.

But he could use the sheets. John ripped the blanket into four separate pieces. He took the two smallest and clogged them into his nose. He took the second largest piece and stuffed it into his mouth.

John couldn’t breathe now, even if he wanted to. Good. It wouldn’t be the best way to die, but it would have to do.

He was starting to feel lightheaded.

So close.

Then, it happened.

A woman walked into the room. She ran over to him, yanking the pieces of blankets out of his mouth and nose.

“Don’t,” she said. “Don’t take your life. You are invaluable.”