cheap Miracle Machine

way back when i was just a little bitty boy, living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from
Jerry's Bait Shop (you know the place)
well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust... PEACHY!!!!
except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning
my mother would make me a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
dawwwgghhhh!!! BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT!
EVERY SINGLE MORNING!
it was driving me crazy
i said to my mom
i said "hey, mom! what's up with all the sauerkraut?"
and my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
and she leaned right down next to me, and she said..."IT'S JUST FOR YOUUUU!!!!"
and then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old!
that's when i swore that someday...
someday i would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
where the sun is always shining, and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are also... f l u f f y!!!
where the shrines and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!!
WACKA WACKA DOODOO YEAH!!!
well, let me tell you people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
i was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
that's right, a first-class one-way ticket... to
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALbuquerque!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALbuquerque!!!!
(Oh yeah!)
You know, i had never been on a real airplane before and I going to tell ya, it was really great
except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
and the little kid in back of me kept throwing up the whole time
the flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts
and the in-flight movie was BioDome with Pauly Shore
and oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireballand everybody DIED!!!
Except for me, YOU KNOW WHY?
Cause i had my tray table up!
and my seat back in the full upright position!
had my tray table up!
and my seat back in the full upright position!
had my tray table up!
and my seat back in the full upright position!
AHH HA HA HAAAA!!!
HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!
aahhhhh...so i crawled from the twisted burning wreckage
i crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
dragging along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel!!!
but finally i arrived at the world famous
ALBUQUERQUE HOLIDAY INN!!!
Where the towels are also... f l u f f y!!!
and you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you want
it's okay, they are clean!
well i checked into my room, and i turned down the AC and i turned on the Spectravision and i'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that i love so very very much
when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
*Knock noises sounds*Well now who could that be?
i say, "who is it?"
No answer
"Who Is It?"
there's no answer
"WHO IS IT!!!"
and they're not saying anything
so finally i go over, and i open the door and just as i suspected
it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
(oh man, i hate it when i'm right)
so anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
and i'm like, "hey, you can't have that, that snorkel has been just like a snorkel to me!!!"
and he's like "tough!"
And I'm like "give it!"
And he's like "make me!"
And I'm like "'kay!"
so i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and i bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes, indeed, you better believe it
*inhales aggressively*
and somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
and 20 seconds later, i heard a familiar voice
and you know what it said?
i'll tell you what it said!!
it said
"IF YOU LIKE TO MAKE A CALL, PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN!"
"IF YOU NEED HELP HANG UP AND THEN DIAL YOUR OOOOOOOOOOOOPERATOR!"
"IF YOU LIKE TO MAKE A CALL, PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN!"
"IF YOU NEED HELP HANG UP AND THEN DIAL YOUR OOOOOOOOOOOOPERATOR!" in...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALbuquerque!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALbuquerque!!!!well to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel :(
but i made a solemn vow right then and there that i would not rest!
i would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
but first i decided to buy some donuts
so i got in my car and i drove over to the donut shop and i walked on up to the guy behind the counter
and he says, "yeaaaaaaaaaahhh, what do you want?"
i said, "you got any glazed donuts?"
he said, "nooooo... we're out of glazed donuts!"
i said, "well you got any jelly donuts?"
he said, "Nooooo... we're out of jelly donuts"
i said, "you got any bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
he said, "Nooooo! we're out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
i said, "you got any cinnamon rolls?"
he said, "Nooooo!!!!, we're out of cinnamon rolls"
i said, "you got any apple fritters?"
he said, "NOOOOO! we're out of apple fritters"
i said, "you got any bear claws?"
he said, "wait a minute, i'll go check
*theme continues*"NOOOOO!!!, WE'RE OUT OF BEAR CLAWS!!!"
i said, "well in that case, in that case what do YOU have?"
He says, "all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels"
I said, "okay, I'll take that"
so he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over
*in this part, Yankovic imitates weasels biting his face, but i can't comprehend how can that be expressed in letters so i just wrote this long sentence*
oh man, they were just going NUTS!
they were tearing me apart
you know, i think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going through my head
i believe it went a little something like this...
DAAAAHHH!!!
GET THEM OFF ME!!!
GET THEM OFF MEEEE!!!
AAHHHHH!!!
NOOOOO!!! GET THEM OFF!!! GET THEM OFF!!!
OHHHH!!! OH GOD!!!
OH GOD!!!
OHHHHH!!! GET THEM OFF ME!!
OHHHH!!! OH MY GOD!!!
AHHHH!!! OHHHH!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
i ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, waving my arms all around and just running, running, running like a constipated wiener dog
and as luck would have it
that's exactly when i ran into the girl of my dreams
her name was Zelda
she was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
i'll never forget the very first thing she said to me
she said, "hey, you got weasels on your face"
that's when i knew it was true love
we were inseparable after that
awww, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
the world was our burrito
so we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly!
ohhhh, we were so very, very, very happy
(awww... yeah...)
but then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
she said, "sweetie pumpkin, do you want to join the Columbia Record Club?"










i said, "WHOOOOOOOOOAAAA... HOLD ON DOWN BABY, I'M JUST NOT READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT!!!
So we broke up and i never saw her again
but that's just the way things go... in
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALbuquerque!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALbuquerque!!!!
*guitar solo starts and also ends*anyway, things really started looking up for me because about a week later, i finally achieved my lifelong dream
that's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler!
i even made employee of the month after i put out that grease fire with my face
ahh yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
i was getting lot of ATTITUDE!
okay like one time, i was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty trying to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by himself
so i, i say to him, i say, "hey, you want me to help you with that?"
and Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "NOOOOOoooo... i want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"
so i did!
and then he gets all indignant on me
he's like, "HEY man, i was just being sarcastic!!!"
well that's just great, how was i supposed to know that?
i'm not a mind reader, for crying out loud
besides, now he's got a really cute nickname
Torso-Boy!
so what's he complaining about!?!?
say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
this guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days
well I knew what he meant but just to be funny, i took a big bite out of his jugular vein
and he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over!!!
and i'm like, "hey, come on, don't you get it?"
but he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming, "AHHHHHHH!! OHHHHHH!! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
you know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
anyway, um...
um...
where was I?
kinda lost my train of thought...
uhhhh... well... uhhh... okay,
anyway i, i know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it but i guess the whole point i'm trying to make here is
I!!!

HATE!!!

SAUERKRAUT!!!that's all i'm really trying to say and by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place... called
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALbuquerque!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALbuquerque!!!!
albuquerque!!!! (albuquerque!)
albuquerque!!!! (albuquerque!)
albuquerque!!!! (albuquerque!)
albuquerque!!!! (albuquerque!)
I SAID "A!" (A!)
"L!" (L!)
"B!" (B!)
"U!" (U!)
...
"QUERQUE!!!" (querque!)...
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLBUQUEEEERQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
*banger start to end*
*drums solo*
*heavy burp*
*truly epic ending*
*crack*
thanks for reading ;D