After inventing swag in the year -563.5^92 BC, Sage Beardy McOldFart sailed across the Arctic ocean to finally uncover the lost civilization of dubstep beard penguins. Along the way he saved Abraham Lincoln from an icy death. After his long travels with the sage, Lincoln realized how dangerous and eventful life could be, so he decided to take it down a notch and become the president of the United States.

True story, really, I swear.