**//WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS DARK AND GRAPHIC MATERIAL THAT YOUNGER READERS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE. THE FOLLOWING ENTRY ALSO CONTAINS PROVOKING AND ABSURD MATERIAL THAT SOME AUDIENCES MAY ALSO FIND DISTURBING. VIEWER DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED BEFORE CONTINUING ON//**


























" Over the recent days, I was speaking to a friend through the usual social media site. As the moments went on I was at a moment of peace. I drifted away to my happy place, a place where I felt bliss. Paris, on top of the Eiffel tower during the winter. I would tend to drift away every now and then as the thought of it would make my insides all warm just to behold it. Ironic isn't it? However there was one thing that always seemed a little off when I went there. There was always this girl leaning against one the pillars overlooking the city from the snow fall. I would never thought of who it was as I thought that it was just part of the illusion. But it turns out it wasn't. During the July - August vacation, I noticed a familiar face show up around one of the social media networks I would typically lurk around. Something that disturbed my focus and send my heart racing just to think of it. Even mere mentioning of the thought or name would send me into a frenzy. She was.... my jane. My muse, my inspiration, my...happiness. However, I remember that I once got a bit too excited and soon it was just too late. It was among one of the ways I hurt people and hurt her in general. Just a slip of the tongue as innocent as it could be has caused me to say words that weren't ready to be said and due to this I became no longer a close friend but a distance one. As time passed by I no longer saw her pressence until that the very moment she decided to show her face again. Oh the agony that was, as my past feeling had arose again bringing anguish to what I so wanted to have be ridden of. It was even worse as she popped up on me for a chat and as soon as I wanted closure she disallowed the possibility by not returning. They even now question why my behavioural patterns would be so off from time to time. It's because of her. Its because of my Jane. Oh how bitter-sweet love can be. 


      It may have only been moments ago but I soon realized that I was destined to continue the chain of heart break and hurt. As some may say its intentional, it is not. I am not one of those who will ever try to harm anyone. However, when you do it so much, is it not obvious to sense a pattern? I realized that everything I love and cherish will soon fall apart, as have many. So that's why I have decided to spare them the anguish of having to deal with the pain I bear by shortening the span. As the tighter the relationship grows, the more sorrow shall come onto them. They may not even know me but some of them felt a bit like family. The family that I would dream of having. The family that is not related through blood but by bond. I hope by cutting these ties early will lessen the blow for them. So as to this I write. 


         "Dear family,
                                I am sorry for the inconvenience I have given you. Please forgive me in anyway possible as I am not too sure what to do now. I have been living on this earth for so long in agony not just caused by a woman but by man. If the lord gives me strength, I ask him to pass that strength onto you as you have been spectacular. I hope that you all achieve greater things in future. Right now, I am still on the deciding factor but all the ruckus makes it difficult. However, whatever I intend to do, do not mourn for me. I will try to stay disconnected from the internet and society during this time and whatever comes to part, I hope that you will still forgive me as I hope the good Lord will. And with this I bid you off" 






"














So, hopefully by this time I have had the strength to share with you that weaker part of me at that point in time. It may have even seemed to you that I have given up. But I hadn't. The beauty of writing on the whole is that once you put those words down on paper and are able to read it back to yourself, you realize a few things. That your struggle you were facing would soon be able to over come with time or that it wasn't worth it. Indeed, at those times its hard to find the light in your never ending darkness but it helps to just write it out. Your emotions, your thoughts, everything. However, once you write it out, don't throw it away because once you throw it away, you're disregarding you ever thought such a thing at one point in your life. You shouldn't disregard but it keep it as a reminder, a reminder of how you once were thumbing the hole, deliberating whether you should plug it or keep the stale air flowing out so one day fresh air will flow through it once again. However, if you're not ready yet, keep it in a safe place where you only know about it and when the time is right, release your thoughts to the world so that it will flow freely. I know at this time by showing you this that I have overcome a hurdle that I experienced a long time ago. Even though I cringe inside to know that I have said something like this, its better to let it be displayed proudly as a sign that I have overcame what could of been the possible worst of me and if by my saying you can do the same, then you are indeed someone who is not weak but a fighting spirit who has not only overcome but overpowered the storm which makes you an idol to worshiped by man.