Being off the pill for a while sure does make you think some stupid shit. Makes you feel things that you aren't sure of. Makes you hear persons that aren't really there. And makes you wake up from your false realities.






The first time I sought to write when I was "off-the-pill" was a long time ago. In fact, the first article I made was actually a suicide letter to be considered. I really thought that there wasn't really a point in living anymore. However, you double think hopefully and you realize that what you were going to give up the rest of your life for wasn't really worth it. After all, there maybe a brighter side somewhere but not at this very moment. Besides, a life without difficulty is no life at all, so I've been told. After all, life is short so why try to completely erase away the line.

The second time I was "off-the-pill" was when I wrote an article called "Seeing the Brighter Side" which was merely a conversation I was having at the time with my own conscience. I can't deeply describe the emotions I was feeling at the time. It made me choke a bit inside and cried externally. In fact, I could almost come to tears remembering it right now. Was it an illusion caused by not taking medication or an alternative to soothe; or was it really there, a comforting voice to soothe my pain disguised in disgust and hatred. Whatever it was, I will never forget the instance or the emotions as they will always remain alive in mind as though it was yesterday.






The third time, is actually right now as I speak. This feeling isn't of an unsure feeling or a mere hallucination but of a dream shattered and splayed throughout my articles. If you have read any of my previous journals, you would of know that it was a number of times I have talked about a person who has been dear to my heart. A summer's symphony in the cold winter's embrace. Many things I may be able to use to describe this one person who will always remain. However, as I've been told before "It does not resolve anything to dwell on dreams". I have never seen the point of this as I haven't dreamed in years and when I do, it correlates to events which happen in the real world. However, I do realize that I have been eternally dreaming. Clinging on the dream which would never come true. The dream of an ending where I am finally re-united with her. However, dreams are just dreams. There was never a hope in heaven that it would come true. Not as I live, not as I die and to be honest it hurts me. It has haunted me since the day she left. It has haunted me in my dreams, my own falsehoods, through my vision, everything. I try to block it out. I try to find a reason to hate her. But I can't. It is only now that I've stopped taking the supplement that I'm realizing the error of my way. The reason that I've pushed her away. The reason that I can no longer even try to even become her friend or gain closure because I was so stupid and it's all my fault. IT IS ALL MY FAULT! Now I even anger myself thinking about it. The way in which I can't move on with my life. The way in which I can never truly move on with my life and it's so stupid that the only way I realized this was when I came "off-the-pill". -sigh-






However, I am here today. I am alive. I have recognized my mistakes and now I'm going to try and come to terms with them.

TO BE COMPOSED TO JANE

I am sorry. I am sorry for all that I've done. For all the harm that I've caused. I knew what you wanted was friendship and I should of given you that. However, I was young and blind at the time. I didn't know what I was thinking back then or what I was saying at all. I was relatively new to what kind of affection was shown to me and I didn't know how to handle that. Now years have passed and I'm sorry that it took so long for me to apologize for my mistake. I admit, love is a stupid thing and I wasn't ready for it and I will still never be ready for it, however, I hope that this letter to you would bring some ease to thy heart. It may not matter at all once it has happened but hopefully I may at least bring myself some closure. Maybe one day you may find a spouse of your own who you will accept and in return them accept you. Maybe one day I may be able to love with all my heart once again and not just with the fragments I have lying about. I will always love you, their is no changing that. However maybe one day it may be reciprocated and we may actually be friends again. However, until that day comes, I will find another way to get by. And if it doesn't, it would be as though what I've said and what I've done never happened.