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A Unique Link (Official entry to Chiaroscaro's blog contest)

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striker107's Avatar striker107
Level 29 : Expert Blacksmith
67
This is my entry to Chiaroscaro's contest (Here), it is 1,098 words and 5,539 characters long

Story
woke up lying on a bed, in the corner of a whitewashed room, with a chair and table to my left, and a door in the wall to my right.
I rubbed my head as I sat up, while I tried to remember how I got here, wherever 'here' is. But as I sat there, pondering my situation, the door opened and a man in a lab coat came in with a tray. The tray had two large red fruit, a sort of bar and a glass with some transparent liquid.

As I ate, he spoke to me saying, "You're probably wondering why you're here, well you actually volunteered to come here... after some 'persuasion'." he paused waiting for me to react. I only nodded and he continued, "Well, none of that matters now, as that was in the past. All that matters is that you are here for an experiment, conpletely untested, at the moment."

"What kind of experiment?" I queried.

"One where we will attempt to connect your mind, with her." as he said the last part, a wall 'vanished' as it became transparent.
On the other side of the wall I saw a little girl in a corner, she brought her head up and we locked eyes, her eyes had a sort of curious glow to them.

Then the door to her room burst open, two guards picked her up and planted her on the bed as her stare went from curiosity to looking frantic. She started kicking thrashing out, and seemingly screaming, but I couldn't hear her as they held her down, then another person in a lab coat rushed in and injected her with something, shortly after she went still.

When I saw her frozen there, I leapt to my feet, knocking the tray to the ground and scattering the food, and not knowing exactly what was going on or if she was okay.

"Ma'am, please sit back down, and please don't do anything rash." he asked.

I ignored him and ran full force into the 'window', but when I hit it I heard a pop and bounced backwards. I cried out in pain and clutched my left arm, falling onto my knees I looked back at him. He stared at me disapprovingly.

"I told you not to do it, but you did." he reproached.

"Hey, I atleast care about other people." I replied.

"Alright, that's enough." he states as he makes a sign with his hand, then a guard runs in and slams my head into the wall.
I woke up lying on a bed, my head being a little fuzzy, I then began lazily scanning the room, seeing a chair and table to my left, a door on the right side of the room and window on the opposite wall looking into an adjacent room identical to mine with a little girl laying on the bed.

I tried to get up using my left arm, but all it did was cause pain and I fell back down on the bed, I then used my right arm to get up and walked to the girl.

When I made it over to the wall I sat down there and just watched her. A bit later, she shot bolt upright and looked everywhere with her eyes in the room, then seeing me, she calmed down and got off the bed. She began walking over to me and sitting on the other side of the 'window'.

"Hey, what's your name?" I asked her.

But all she died was mouth something with her head tilted as she stared at me, I cocked my head to the side and stared at her.
Then I asked, "Can you hear me?" she did the same thing as before, but moved her mouth in a different way.

Then I finally realized what she was doing, she was talking to me, but the wall was soundproof. I put my hand to my head as I was shaking it while I laughed and asked, "Heh... I am slow, aren't I?"

Then two guards came behind me and dragged me away from the wall and two more grabbed her right after, we were thrown onto our beds and they held us down, they brought out these metal prongs with arcs of electricity passing between them.

"W-What are you going t-to do with those?" I asked tentatively.

"We are going to activate the injection we injected you with yesterday." he informed me.

I see the other scientist clip the prongs onto her, and she opens her mouth as if screaming, and struggles with the two guards holding her, with tears filling her eyes as she spasms.

Then he attaches the pair of prongs to me, and my body erupts into pain, every fibre of my body screaming at me to stop the pain, but as much as the pain continues, I hold it in so that I don't upset the girl more. I throw off one of the guards and reach out my right arm to her and we lock eyes, then everything goes black.

That process of injections and electric shocks wore on for who knows how long, but the longer it went the more things changed, she somehow got calmer, while I got more aggressive, the electric shocks went for so long that it went from excruciating, to painful, to hurting, to a dull pain, and finally becoming a minor irritation.

I woke up like usual, sat up, I took the food set on the table and ate it. I stared at the girl as I ate and we did it in sync, finishing at the exact same time.

Then the door opened up and the two guards with the scientist came in each of our rooms, we both gave them our arm and they readied the injection. But we then grabbed the syringe out of their hands, turned it around and jabbed it into their necks and slammed it in. The two scientists stumbled backwards and collapsed to the ground, the guards stood back in shock.

Then they charged at us, we back stepped and kicked one of them into the wall, we jumped and kicked the other in the face, he tumbled over, we grabbed the syringe, stabbed it in this eye and pounded it in. We then turned the other one onto his back and stomped on his throat repetitively.

"Well, that's all of them here. But more are probably coming, I probably should ready myself." I state. 'Yea, mommy, let's go!' a voice says in my head.

Feedback is greatly appreciated. And goodbye till next time.
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1
06/25/2018 3:10 pm
Level 62 : High Grandmaster Ladybug
Chiaroscuro
Chiaroscuro's Avatar
Here's some feedback from me and Naomi:

Having seen many of your pieces of writing, including the original piece that you sent me as well as your unofficial entries last season, I really appreciate your commitment to leaving your comfort zone with this work. I like how creatively you interpreted this round's topic. Out of all of the entrants for this round, I least expected a plot like this. Naomi and I also appreciated the twist at the end. Perhaps you could have added more emotional charge by moving that last sentence down to its own line so you read it separately. Nevertheless, a good and gripping plot.

One word of caution, however: this was a little too outside of the box. I didn't specifically mention it in the contest page, so I wouldn't necessarily expect you to have known this or to have looked it up, but a missed connections ad is a romantic ad. People use them as last-ditch efforts to reconnect with someone that they found attractive but didn't get a chance to talk to or exchange contact information with. Also, because this was more outside of your comfort zone, the writing style came off a bit odd. I think it'll improve just by the virtue of spending more time with these more emotional and artistic topics. Similarly, I would be careful to look out for grammatical things like changing tenses, because it gets in the way of the flow of the writing a little bit. More on that later. Also, I would suggest to explain actions that wouldn't necessarily seem intuitive, like the scene where the two protagonists attack and overpower the guards. It seemed like a bit of a jump to go from being submissive to suddenly having a sort of animalistic power. One final small point is that I would like to see you give your villains more personality than just some mindless assholes. While that's a good start, very few people are like that in real life. By humanizing your villains, you make your story more believable and relatable.

As for little typographic details that don't affect the content of your story, I would refrain from italicizing your quotes. It's not really standard, and because I italicize my characters' thoughts, I read those as thoughts before I read them as spoken language, and that throws off the flow to me. That also gives more emphasis if you want to use italics to highlight something, like to draw attention to it (as demonstrated).

All in all, I think it was a solid work and I look forward to what you come up with for this round.

Hope this helps!
1
05/25/2018 11:44 pm
Level 62 : High Grandmaster Ladybug
Chiaroscuro
Chiaroscuro's Avatar
In the interest of fairness, I'll wait until the round is over to give in-depth feedback. But fret not, I'll be back.
1
05/26/2018 7:22 am
Level 29 : Expert Blacksmith
striker107
striker107's Avatar
Alright, I will wait for your feedback.
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