First Time

Once I turned 11 I never felt the same as I did when I was young, it seemed as if my life had just completely been changed and I didn't really know why. Being as young as I was, I had no idea what these feelings meant or what to do with them. After the feelings showed up, I constantly felt like the world was against me, that my friends weren't really my friends, and that I would never really succeed in life ( I know, a stupid thing to be worrying about at 11). This affected my life a ton, I started getting bad grades, I pushed friends and family away, and I pretty much stopped talking, to the point where I would only speak once or twice a day. The worse part was that I never told anyone, and I kept all of my feelings bottled up, I felt alone in the world, and thought it was because I deserved it.


Later in My Life

Things pretty much stayed the same up until I was 15, this is when things got really bad and it got hard to hide. At this point I still hadn't talked to anyone about my feelings, but they had continued all through my Middle School life and pretty much ruined all three of those years for me. The thing is, I never really had a problem with making or keeping friends, but once I got them I pushed them off because I thought they would either hurt me or leave me in the end. The thoughts in my head continued to get worse as I begun my High School year, it seemed everyday I would spend more time clouding my head with thoughts of how worthless I was rather than actually paying attention in class, to the point where I continuelly got sent to my principal for zoning out in class. Things kind of evened out my Sophmore year, the thoughts began happening less often and I could focus a little more, but they were still there in the back of my mind. But, the summer after that year is when things took a hard turn for the worse, the thoughts were constantly in my head, I was continously telling myself how worthless I was and that I didn't deserve to live.

I didn't want to go on living.

Near the end of the summer, I attempted suicide, but obviously was not successful. My mother found me with a gun to my head, and I was immediately sent to the psychiatric division of the local hospital. I was evaluated and put on suicide watch for 24 hours, it was like being in jail but so much worse. A few weeks later, my grandmother passed away and I took this as a sign of some sort, it taught me that suicide just wasn't the way out and that people would actually miss me. 

I felt completely alone, I still do sometimes, but they have gotten better.