mentally stuck

Hello everyone, thank you for being here right now.
This blog can clarify everything about quest and tell you some personal experience.
it's gonna be extremely honest, hard and open
if you'd like to know - this is all for you.
if don't - just take a deep breath and close this page.

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SUPPORTERS ON PMC

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Firstly, I want to say a huge thank you for your support!
Especially these people who said very nice things to make me feel better.
You really motivated me to continue making the quest at some point.

mythicaldream69 SouthDakotaGirl AquaPeritus Funiverse Minnesota Karaoke Papa Enny

These people supported me in the comment section
when I decided to create a forum discussion to ask your opinion about quest.

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THE BEGGINING OF AUTUMN ANXIETY

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As we all know I created some quests for the community in the past
and surely wanted to make another one for Christmas
right after I put everything left in me into Halloween quest.
Unfortunately, I didn't realize I was extremely drained of every strength and emotion.
And you didn't know that it was actually hard for me to create Halloween quest back then.
I managed to do it great tho, but well... I ignored everything my mind and body said to me.

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CHRISTMAS QUEST PROCESS

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I really wanted to make it an amazing thing for everyone, as I did last year.
It was so so great. We were having fun under the Christmas tree on my quest map.
I needed it. So I surely decided to start creating a new quest.

I was struggling through the whole December with no motivation to do anything
and with a lot of pressure to make Christmas quest.
I know nobody actually expected it from me, but I wanted to bring some joy to everyone 'cause it makes me happy.
I was hoping to heal myself by creating something for people.
Well... I had no idea I was empty inside.
That's when I thought "Oh, I just need some more motivation"
and I decided to create a forum discussion to see how many of you actually was waiting for the quest.

It did motivate me eventually for 2-3 full days of building and creating puzzles
and I was... kinda happy but truly lied to myself.
I was not okay at all.

Those hard-working days drained me even more.
I started to feel no joy from the process but I kept going 'cause I was hoping I can feel better if I finish it.

Around December 28th I felt like I have nothing in me at all.
No Christmas / New Year mood.
No will power to wake up in the morning
No idea what to do with all of those emotions.
I cried every day and felt like I achieved nothing in 2021.

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IRL

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October/November/December was the time when it all started. I lost a friend to covid, 4 years relationships got into huge troubles, I had to make some lifechanging decisions, I felt overwhelmed with my job and other projects I have, some people from my past came back and confused everything I built without them, I experienced some hate and threats, got confused about life purposes and my existence, and

sensitive content tried to take my own life, feeling useless, weak and unwanted.

I was clearly not okay. I wish I could actually see it earlier.

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FINAL UNDERSTANDING

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In January I realized if I have nothing to give from my heart to yours
then there is no point of doing this quest anyways.
I was stressed and I felt anxious.
I did not want to "share" these feelings through my builds.
I know some of you said I can create this quest even for January/February
but it just didn't feel right anymore.
It was meant to give you Christmas happiness
not just any random winter vibes.
So I officially decided - it can wait till December 2022.

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NOWADAYS

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Well here I am. January is quite passing me by.
I still feel weird. I tried to rest but I think I don't even know how to relax anymore..
But I have a hope I'm gonna be fine anyways.
I'm gonna get through the whole mess around me and in me.

Thank you for still being so carrying and kind people even if you don't really know me.
I feel so safe here with all of you.
♡