I guess some people do reviews, and because this is a tutorial blog I’m going to sum up the story. Do keep in mind I never use exact quotes, and also spoiler alert if ya haven’t figured that out yet. I’ll do my best to sum it up, but do keep in mind this is what I’m working with:



With that said I’ll try and sum up the entire story as well as comment a bit on the story itself, because why not? To begin with, this book was written by Jules Verne, originally in French but translated into English, because I can’t read French letters. He’s the guy who also wrote ‘20,000 Leagues Under The Sea’ and the other one called ‘Journey To The Center Of The Earth’. You’ll get to see those as well as Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and Edgar Allan Poe here, because I have these enormous books on them. Without further ado, here is 5 weeks in a balloon or Journeys and Discoveries In Africa by 3 Englishmen.



We’re introduced to Dr.Ferguson, he’s at a sort of presentation thingy proposing a trip into (gasp) Africa. At this time there had been many trips into it, but most of them died, disappeared or rarely, returned. Everyone likes this idea and gives him enough money for the trip. After this, (remember this takes place in British land . . . or whatever it’s called) American newspapers are uber dubious cuz it’s not ‘murrica. Also, Ferguson's friend Kennedy decides to go to his friend because he saw the papers and was sad because he wasn’t told about it beforehand. Then turns out he’s going too! Oh, and the doctor’s servant Joe is also coming.



So after all the weigh-ins the doctor finally finishes his balloon. To put it simply it’s a balloon within a balloon, with cylinders to heat up the balloon. Unlike normal balloons this one doesn’t run out of hydrogen very fast. I guess it could still blow up, but that’s not important. It also has ballast, which are weights that when dropped off they make the balloon fly up really fast. So they take their balloon (named Victoria) on a boat (named Resolute) and go onto an island. But da Africans no like this, so they’re off the coast with their wizards, but thankfully they don’t have proper training from Hogwarts so fail to stop the balloon.



Also, Joe being Joe is a really good coffee maker. While up in the sky Kennedy gets sick, and they go higher to make him feel better. Then they go down and throw an anchor down to stop and get some meat. So Kennedy gets off, shoots an antelope and then returns to find the balloon under attack. They shoot the things off, but turns out they were all monkeys. Wow, good job Kennedy. As they fly through Africa all the tribes either run or try to throw their spears at the balloon. Except one village reasons that the balloon is the moon, and thinks they are gods.



With that Ferguson cures their king, but runs back and Joe being Joe is teaching them a really weird dance. They’re all like ‘No Dr! We is havin’ so much fun being worshiped.’. Then the doctor is like ‘You know how they think we’re the moon?’ then he points out the moon is rising out from the horizon. After escaping that place (and taking a sorcerer with them for a while) they also accidently get their anchor stuck on an elephant’s tusks. They kill it after a while, watch cannibals at war (and kill their leader, good job kennedy), and rescue a missionary.



They try and save him, but he’s about as hopeless as your pet goldfish, and dies within days. So they decide to bury him; and they land to find gold. It’s a bunch of gold they find. The only problem is that they can’t carry much more in the balloon. So Joe being Joe decides to use the gold as ballast. So they replace it and when they are about to lift off turns out some of the gas has seeped out, so the balloon isn’t rising fast enough. Dr.Ferguson then tells Joe,’Whu-oh Joe! Looks like you’re going to have to toss over that gold I told you to not take.’ (He probably did it on purpose.). But Joe being Joe takes forever to toss enough to fly. Every time they have to make an escape Joe has to toss off his gold.



Then they run out of water, it’s bad to the point where they toss themselves into the sand because they think it’s water. Finally they find an oasis (and kill the lions living there), get water, anger a village and dodge a bunch of pigeons on fire. But after they finish celebrating this, a bunch o birds decide to be jerks and pop the outer balloon. Oh, and Kennedy wastes a bunch of bullets on those birds and a hippo (good job Kennedy). They’re still flying but they’re falling into a lake. Those darn birds. They empty out a bunch of stuff, but it’s not enough, and Joe being Joe is all like ‘Screw it’ and jumps out to save everybody.



I’m going to pause here, just to say that if you are interested in the story go read it before I continue. But do keep in mind it’s really old so the language might be hard to understand.



So they fly off and stop at a forest, then chop that anchor off after trying to find Joe again. Meanwhile Joe being Joe takes off everything but his underwear (because it’s still pg rated) and swims to an island, is worshiped and trapped in a hut. But the island sinks, he swims away, falls into a mud pit thing and as he;s drowning the anchor Ferguson and Kennedy lost appears, and the rope it has is used by Joe to drag himself out. He then steals a horse, is chased by its owners and gets rescued by the balloon (while he does that he does, and I quote ‘an indescribable gesture’ with his hands.).



But then their balloon is sinking and they realize, ‘oh snap’. Also they have to pass mountains too. So they toss everything off, and remind Joe to not jump off again, because this time it would surely kill him. Then they proceed to toss off Kennedy’s prized guns, barely scraping over the peak, and Joe being Joe decides ‘Screw it.’ and jump off, gets the gun and jumps back onto the balloon.



The balloon then practically dies and they cross the final river using just the balloon’s fabric straight into the French’s arms. And the story ends with Ferguson returning to his normal life, Kennedy runs back to Africa because they tossed some of his weapons overboard to keep the balloon afloat and Joe never gets any of his gold. :I So much for a happy ending. Overall I liked the story, it was well-pieced together, but the ending always bothered me. Also, it literally takes 45 pages out of 180 for the balloon to just start flying. Then the resolution lasts about 2 pages. It was rather disappointing. I’d recommend it to you, but the language is more difficult, so that’s why I decided to do this. Actually this isn’t really much of a guide, more of a summary, but it’s close enough.


-CHorse who is probably going to try and cross Africa with a balloon

Those darn temptations.

You might be here because those dead rats are incredibly annoying. Either that or you hear scratching at night, and you are pretty sure the dead rats have been dieded to the death already. Well, fear not; here is my guide to killing the dead rats that live in your basement!



Normally i never do step by steps, they’re not really my style Why? I have no idea! Dead rats are probably much worse than living rats, they’re practically opossums; they play dead. Identifying whether these dead rats are alive or dead is crucial, because killing a dead dead rat to death is pointless. How do you identify them? You probably aren’t asking and instead you’re clicking onto another blog. Well too bad.



It’s really easy! Just poke it with cheese. All living rats love cheese, so dead rats must abhor cheese. If you poke the dead rat and it doesn’t run away then it’s a dead dead rat. But if it runs away, then the dead rat is alive. Another sign is that dead rats will always live in your basement. I’m not joking. So if you live in a cardboard box (like me) on the road then you have nothing to worry about. Also, alive dead rats aren’t very smart, as they are dead they are much stupider than normal rats, and have a tendency to fall for traps.


As you can see I am an expert at this. Why? Because my cardboard box is inside a house, and that house is infested with dead rats. Also, I have no life.


*goes to cry in the corner*



How do you get rid of these rats? It’s very simple. If you get a cat, it’ll hopefully lure the rats to it, once they’ve been lured to the cat, you scoop them up and destroy them in whatever way you feel like. You have to scoop them up quickly, alive dead rats are very dangerous to cats and will turn it into a poptart. This is very serious, and should be done as quickly as possible. You should also destroy the living dead rats, because if you kill them, there is a chance they’ll come back as living dead dead rats. These are much much worse, as they are very confusing and will break the laws of physics upon creation.



You have no idea how many of these darn black holes I’ve had to put up with. It’s really annoying. Aside from this, beware the dead rats living in your basement; they might have a few parasites, if you aren’t wary, they’ll give it to you. Then you’ll turn into a lemon. And no one likes lemons. Then you will be sad. But remember, when life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand for candy. Don’t come running to me while the living dead rats are chasing you; I already have enough of those things here, I don’t need any more. I’m just here to provide advice, and voice my slightly humorous opinion. Otherwise, good luck on your quest to killing the dead rats.



-CHorse


Who is probably going to accidentally create a living dead dead dead rat.



Those darn rodents.

Ok; so this is a HUGE problem you guys have. Quite frankly I’ve begun to get sick of you guys not understanding sectors, so I’m going to address this first thing. Welcome to volume 2! One thing that will change in this volume is I will no longer waste paragraphs. Another thing, is that I will now be using my fellow assistants to help me show stuff:



Actually, we just pay Ryan to stay in The Corner.



There are two major ways to sector off the universe, Imperial and Standard. Imperial uses varying amounts of digits and letters, ranging from AAAA to 9999. It works a bit like hexidecimal, in the sense that it destroys everything it touches and gives you mind-numbing headaches. I prefer standard, as it is 2 letters and 2 digits. For instance, my home world is located in CH-54.

You guys really don’t know anything ‘bout sectors though. If you happen to be a hoo-man, I am sorry for your loss. Also, you guys do realize your planet is ‘Dirt’ right? It’s just a huge ball of molten dirt. I honestly don’t know how you guys manage to live when around 99% of your planet is made out of molten dirt. If you happen to live on this planet, then you are in sector LO-12, if you happen to live on Pluto, then I’ve got news for you kid; it’s not a planet. And yes, you are in the same sector you buffoon.How big are these sectors? Well to begin with we have to agree on two things. First of all, the universe is shaped like a donut; trust me. Why do you think it’s so infinite? And second, space doesn’t stay still.



Now what I mean by this is that space isn’t absolute, the fabric of space time is stretched and moved by gravity and other forces. So each sector varies in size. However, we just measure lines and create sectors that way even if they do move we can still find the lines on the bent space time. Now that we got all the head-killing science out of the way, we get to move onto the brain destroying scope of the sector.



Let’s begin with your planet; ‘Dirt’. It is part of your solar system, which is 100,000 times longer than it is from your planet to the sun. No joke. Now, if we take your solar system and compare it to your galaxy, the milky way, we find that the galaxy is 53,475 times the size of your solar system. You think it stops there? What planet do yo- oh wait, nvm, I probably already know. Your galaxy is an outlier as a part of the Virgo Cluster, which is made of around 1300-2000 galaxies. I’mma take a stab in the dark and assume it’s made of 1,516 galaxies. Do you think it stops there? Well if you answered yes, you are wrong.



The Virgo Cluster is part of the Centaurus Wall, which is 3.5 BILLION light years long. That is 35,000 times the size of your galaxy. Your sector, LO-12, comprises of the Centaurus wall and a part of the void next to it, so it is roughly 8 times the size of the wall. Sector LO-12 is 659,232,000,000,000 times the size of your planet, so don’t you dare tell me pluto isn’t in that sector.
Anyways, I know you might wonder why you’ve not heard of this, and that is probably not because we haven’t told you guys, it’s because your schools suck. Seriously, I thought sectors were taught in the -3.15th grade! If you didn’t know about this, then what is wrong with your education system? Anyways, do not come running to me if your teacher says that this is incorrect, I’m only here for jokes and satire, not to fix an entire education system. So remember, quit claiming that saturn is part of an entirely different sector.


-CHorse


Who probably angered some hoo-mans by calling their planet ‘Dirt’


Those darn hoo-mans.

Today I learned something very valuable after handing the controls to tatertoot jr., and after he crash landed us on this planet. Never trust waffles when they pickly dogs. So now we’re stranded on this planet for no reason at all. Good job, you did that well Tatertoot.



As you guessed, I am covering a few things surrounding evolution, because I’ve got examples here with me. Plus it’s going to take a while to get the ship fixed, as I’m not exactly 100% confident Irvau really has a degree in ‘fixology’. Also his ‘degree’ is covered in crayon scribble, which leads me to believe that his instructors liked crayons, and we all know that crayon instructors are terrible. So to begin with, I’m going to ask you to put your belief system to the side. I know that’s hard, but I’m trying to teach a theory that may or may not make you angry at me. So let’s begin!

You may have been taught this in school, which is that it occurs through natural selection. If you were not then either A: Your school sucks or B: You’re very young or C: You have never been to school. Well, the concept is simple. Take this . . . whatever it is .. . jeez it’s ugly. Take this thingy, and let’s say it’s in a group. Now as you can see from below, he is much harder to find as his color is different. So now we let its natural predator loose on them, and since he can’t be seen the predator eats everyone else. That’s also probably because he bribed the predator, seriously, there’s no other way this thing could make it on its own.



Since all the other thingys are dead, they can’t reproduce. Trust me, I’ve tried to get dead rats to breed, but it always ends in an explosion. Do try this at home, but don’t blame me if your house catches fire. Due to this the new generation will be that color. It works that way for most traits. Now, there is a common misconception among the 2 people I’ve asked that this means that the species evolved it SO it can benefit. They also think nature has some sort of sentience. This is far from true, it’s just natural selection.

I know you are probably smart enough to know that lamarckism isn’t a thing, but I’ll go ahead and toss this in, because your species isn’t known for being smart in the universe .. . actually your species is mostly overlooked, so it’s not really known at all. Lamarckism was the original evolution idea, that basically said that hippos had long necks because they kept stretching their necks to reach leaves. Apparently they inherited the long stretched necks from their parents because they stretched their necks. This is mostly wrong, although they did get the part where hippos had long necks right. At first people thought this was so, but after Darwin came along lamarckism became a joke. Lamarckism is basically a way of saying that your science sucks so much that it be at da level of this scrub.



And btw, spiders are not insects; they’re reptiles.

Some species evolve the same patterns on themselves, which is known as convergent evolution. On your planet, ‘Dirt’ you might notice that a bunch of reptiles and fishes have wings that look similar, and that’s because of this effect. How does it happen? According to scientists it’s because they find the same solution to the same problem. Wings are really good at flying, and since there’s not much else that can fly a bunch o animals ended up with wings. Although I personally think that it’s a conspiracy; those dern flying beavers may look cute, but they don’t want you to fly! On my planet, tetingarphs developed tentacles with mouths, and so did the arcenemi, because convergent evolution.



There is also this thing called the Red Queen effect, because scientists suck at naming things. Take this turtle thingy and this other walrus thingy. The turtle will evolve to have a harder shell, and so the walrus will have to get sharper teeth. And then the turtle will get a harder shell, so the walrus will get a sharper set of mouth knives. And because they’re dumb they’re just gonna keep going. Seriously, what’s wrong with these kids’ brains?



With genetics and everything being finally experimented on by your kind, you might be able to evolve without the help of natural selection. But of course that’s far from now, well for you it is. Everyone else in the supercluster has invented this, so you guys are really behind. Then again I don’t expect much from a planet who decided to name itself after the soil. But, remember, do not come running to me if someone tells you I’m wrong, I’m only here to entertain and criticize and complain . . and satire . . . and about a few other things I’m too lazy to mention. One day you’ll reach self evolving, but since that’ll be some time I’m going to laugh at you because you can’t do that yet.



Oh wait, I’m still stuck on this planet. CRAP!



-CHorse

Who is probably going to get stuck in the Red Queen effect cycle



Those darn Red Queens



By the way, if you have any ideas or requests for future guides, please be sure to say something in the comments. I am seriously struggling to get ideers for these things. And please be specific, don’t just say ‘Chemistry’ and expect me to know what to cover.

The Guide To Avoidance

I know you might be thinking, “Why does this kid think he knows what I’m thinking!?” and my answer to that is . . .I don’t. Now, on the topic of avoiding things, this’ll be the most serious guide yet, because it is a very personal thing I do. This one will be so serious, I’m not going to mention how Tatertoot is the worst driver in the entire galaxy. And yes, Irvau did finally get the vehicle fixed, but that’s not important. What is important is that Tatertoot keeps ‘accidently’ crashing into asteroid belts!



Today I’ll be talking about avoiding things; when and when not to do it, and how. Ok, the first part in avoidance is to be able to identify when to do it. This may be difficult for someone with a low iq, but do not worry, it’s as easy as making bread . . . multiplied by around 1-2.51 thousand. Do avoid things if they’ll never come back ever again to hurt you in any way. Do not avoid things if they are persistent and will not go away. Now, this may be very hard to understand, considering I’m writing at a 7th-grade reading level, and also taking into fact that your species has taken forever to invent the interwebs. And even then it still sucks because you can’t have wi-fi everywhere!



I’m going to use some examples to help demonstrate my point. Ok, the first example is this; life. Should you avoid or not avoid life? Well, it is very persistent and will not go away, so I’d have to say no. If you got that right, then you happen to be part of the small percentage that doesn’t avoid life via video games or some other means. So congratulations, because I didn’t even think that was possible for your species. Lets say there’s a bunch o bullies who are jealous of your intellectual capacity, and yes I am saying they are really dumb, because it is very rare to find anyone who is jealous of your species’ intellectual capacity. Mainly because only smart people value smartness. In this case you would avoid them; because they’d most likely beat you up . . .then possibly beat you down . . . and also beat you in the other directions.

How do you avoid things you are supposed to avoid? Well, if it is a physical, then just walk away. If you do not know how to walk away, then either your legs are broken, or you are a broken human being. In such an event, seek further medical assistance to make sure you do not annoy anyone else. If it is online, or verbal problems, you can just ignore it. That easy. If you are spiritually avoiding a god or something, I’ve no advice, never dealt with that realm. I can’t think of any other ways, so we’ll get on with not avoiding.



Not avoiding is much harder than it looks; mainly because you can’t exactly see someone not avoiding something. People tend to say, ‘I can deal with it later’ or ‘if I go away it’l go away too!’ or ‘I’m different, I can avoid things forever’. But those methods are very detrimental to your health. Your health specifically, as I am different and I can avoid things forever without ANY consequences whatsoever. It may be difficult to actually face what has been troubling you for so long, but if it will never go away, you might as well accept that it is there. But be careful on how you label which is which, you might end up avoiding the wrong things.

That is where we come to a sort of end in this story. I’ve been evading capture from the galactic police for a long time, and today that ended. We were too slow to fix the ship, they’ve been able to capture us, and so now I guess we are here.



I have to finally pay the price of my misdeeds, and misdeeds of others. I could not escape this end, so I’ve been forced to be here. With that, I’m not sure how long they intend to keep me here, but after I’ve destroyed an entire sector and an additional 6-8 million planets, they’re not going to punish me lightly. Do not come running to me if anything goes wrong with my advice; I’m only here for jokes and satire, and I will not be home to help you with anything.


-CHorse

Who is probably going to get a life sentence for avoiding authority


Those darn galactic police.


The end?