566
The deluge berated the grass, and lightning creased across the darkened sky. Rain streaked the glass, making it unsuitable for looking out of, not the the man did not try. He did not know what to do with himself, sitting in his home, when his mind finally snapped. He was to do something, and mining sounded manageable.
Equipping what equipment he had, and bringing along some other essentials, he traversed the trek to his mine, and skipped inside.
Already soaking, he attempted to dry himself in the bastion of amiable heat surrounding his furnace. Not dripping wet anymore, he grabbed his iron pick, and set out into the depths.
After an unascertainable amount of time, he had quite a shiny boon. His pockets bristled with iron ore and lapis, he even got an emerald. Anyone looking at him could see that he was beginning to push his luck, but he would argue he was on alert, ready to ward off any attackers.
He didn't meet very many nasties down in his tunnels, but even so, he remained vigilant, ready to defend himself and his trove. He never even considered the more... clandestine foes that lurked beneath the surface.
The man finally decided to call it a trip, and began the arduous meander back to the surface, not realizing that he was on the wrong path.
His wandering eyes rested upon his ultimate boon, a peck of diamonds. Idiosyncratically throwing caution to the wind, he tore to the prize, and began tearing it from the ground...
Standing right over the last deposit, he hit it one too many times...
He fell...
He watched the leviathan of molten rock loom closer...
He fell...
He burned...
He died.
Equipping what equipment he had, and bringing along some other essentials, he traversed the trek to his mine, and skipped inside.
Already soaking, he attempted to dry himself in the bastion of amiable heat surrounding his furnace. Not dripping wet anymore, he grabbed his iron pick, and set out into the depths.
After an unascertainable amount of time, he had quite a shiny boon. His pockets bristled with iron ore and lapis, he even got an emerald. Anyone looking at him could see that he was beginning to push his luck, but he would argue he was on alert, ready to ward off any attackers.
He didn't meet very many nasties down in his tunnels, but even so, he remained vigilant, ready to defend himself and his trove. He never even considered the more... clandestine foes that lurked beneath the surface.
The man finally decided to call it a trip, and began the arduous meander back to the surface, not realizing that he was on the wrong path.
His wandering eyes rested upon his ultimate boon, a peck of diamonds. Idiosyncratically throwing caution to the wind, he tore to the prize, and began tearing it from the ground...
Standing right over the last deposit, he hit it one too many times...
He fell...
He watched the leviathan of molten rock loom closer...
He fell...
He burned...
He died.
| Credit | Cubic League |
| Tags |
tools/tracking
3228454
6
clandestine-cubic-league-contest
MrKYOKO
DirtyBubb
BLACKMAGE_NEW_GHOSTE
sjen_2001
lampytbltofficial
GanderBeam
Cat Master
SallyPlaysMC
Panda_Wolfe
Demidiant_
PMC Evil Alts
IGEBM
DARKPEACH
CassandraStudios
Create an account or sign in to comment.
Nice job! I love the idea
Already soaking, he attempted to dry himself in the bastion surrounding his furnace. Not dripping wet anymore, he grabbed his iron pick, and set out into the depths.
Personally, I feel he dried up too quickly, if you know what I mean. I think there should be a bit more between the phases, details like what his current surroundings are, what he's seeing etc.
It's short and simple, could do with a bit more pacing and balancing fixes like Candle mentioned.
Overall, good job!
Going to do a quick quote here -
"The deluge of arboreal aqua berated the grass, and lightning creased across the darkened sky. Rain streaked the glass, making it improbable to see out of, not the the man did not try."
Deluge works really well here, but I don't understand why arboreal is used? Unless I'm missing something it means something pertaining to trees. Aqua does work here in the sense of it's definition - I mean, it means water, simple as that, but it "feels" out of place to me. That could very well just be me, don't take that too seriously, just a minor issue I had. Berated the glass does work as well, but it generally implies something being verbal. I'd also recommend changing "making it improbable to see out of." Improbable doesn't really work in this context. Difficult or a synonym could work better, in my opinion. Improbable is more suited for things that are unlikely, and being able to see through a window or not doesn't strike me as something down to whether or not it's likely, but if you can and how difficult it is.
Additionally,
"...he attempted to dry himself in the bastion surrounding his furnace..."
Bastion certainly works in this context, but we're given no other description of what sort of bastion it is. With a bit of thinking one could easily assume a bastion of light and heat, but alone bastion seems out of place. I'd recomment adding in something along the lines of "a bastion of heat" or such if you want.
Overall, as I said, it's pretty good but needs some work. There's some words whose context doesn't quite fit their purpose/definition. Not all words are created equal. Even if they mean the same basic thing, sometimes there are slight differences. After all, what would be the purpose of having so many words for the same things?
Good luck in the contest!
And as I said to TheHipster above, I try to leave as much of the nitty-gritty details to the mind of the reader. So that's the reason why I didn't illucidate on what kind of bastion it is, but I do agree with you, reading through it again, that in that instance, it could've been a little more enlightening.
Thanks for the well-wishing, and the advice.