A couple of responses to my last blog got me thinking. Antiqua said "It's a nice thought, but give someone an inch, they'll take a mile, sadly." And Tharesan said "My idea of being nice is helping people, not obeying their every whim."

I thought, "These are the most likely reasons that people aren't more charitable. Because both statements are true."

There are certainly people out there who will take everything you offer, and demand more, even threaten you to get more. I call these people "people with entitlement issues." They truly, honestly believe that they deserve MORE than everyone else. Why do they believe this? Because for them, it's TRUE. Because most people, when confronted, will give in to their demands. Why do they give in? Because it's easier than fighting. So people with entitlement issues are trained that their tactics WORK, and they keep using them.

Here's the simplest solution, a two-letter word. "No."

We are trained, in our society, not to say no. Women, especially, are taught not to say no. We must be pliant, we must be accomodating, we must agree with everyone. The customer is always right. If someone needs something you must give it to them. Just a few more dollars in taxes, fork them over.

Say "No."

You don't have to be rude about it, you don't have to fight. You don't even have to give a reason. "Can you run this project for me?" "Thank you for considering me, but no." "Donate to Save the Naked Mole Rats?" "No." "Pay for a Minecraft account for me?" "No."

(See? You don't have to say "No, you lazy ass, get up off your butt and get a job and pay for it yourself." Just "No" will suffice.)

People will demand an explanation. "Why not?" The best response to this question is, "Why do you need to know?" That's a tough question to answer. Most people will stammer, and not have a good reason. The reason is, of course, "So I can counter your argument." But if you really want to give them an answer, then say "Because I choose not to." That's it. No more explanation. Have a nice day.

If you have been particularly pliable in the past, easy to manipulate and control, saying "No" will be very hard to do. "It really won't hurt if I give in," is something a lot of us think. Yes, it will hurt. If you do something for someone, and instead of feeling good about doing it, you feel resentment... that is harming yourself. Do NOT do it. Say "No." If you do something and your attitude afterwards is "Thank gawd that's over with... for this year..." do NOT do it. Say "No."

I know, there are some things in life you simply can't refuse to do. You have to do your work, at school, home and at your place of employment. But this is where you're giving something to GET something. It's an unspoken contract arrangement. At school, you do your work to get your education. The education is supposed to help you better yourself. So it's a trade: homework for education. At home, you do your chores. Why? Because you're not paying rent, but you ARE being housed, fed, and cared for. Maybe you don't look at it this way, but you should. Your help around the house is your way of "paying back" what you are being given. At work, your time and effort equals your paycheque. These tasks aren't what we're talking about. We're talking about offering a skill freely; we're talking about charity.

Don't feel that you have to offer open-ended help. Ever. If you offer something (say a skin shop, for instance?) you have the right to say "one per customer, no nudie skins." And if someone bugs you for more, you can say "No."

If you give the homeless guy on the street corner a buck, you do NOT have to feel obligated to do it every time you pass. If you give money to the Salvation Army and they start sending you letters begging for more, you have the right to say "No." Say it.

The art of saying no is a hard lesson to learn. You will be called nasty names. People don't like being denied the things they want, or think they need. They will try to make you feel guilty for denying them. You don't have to feel guilty. You owe nothing to these people. Their opinion of you does not matter. What they say about you does not matter. Do you feel good about what you have done? There you go, the only opinion that actually does matter.

Just remember: you also have the right to say "Yes" when you choose to.