Hello, Planet Minecraft.

Let's talk about death.

For the sake of the virtual building on the floating islands atop solid clouds we should probably suspend all disbelief in things like heaven and the afterlife.

I'm sure all of you have mulled over the theme of heaven for this contest; so have I. I started thinking: what are the system dynamics for the process of dying/entering heaven. Does dying cause you to be sent to heaven or would you enter heaven and die simultaneously or would you perhaps enter heaven first which would then cause you to die.

Considering all these options are completely hypothetical and arguably ridiculous, I thought it perfectly reasonable to ignore the first two options and focus on the latter.

Now, let's set out all the axiomatic bases from which we will build our discussion.

- This place is heaven
- Heaven is comprised of a couple of floating islands on clouds
- Heaven seems to be a physical entity
- If heaven is a physical entity then it can be reached and interacted with by another physical entity.
- Entering heaven causes you to die (As I have chosen to pursue the latter hypothetical scenario)

So now let me ask you all a question. Since we've established that heaven can be reached by a physical entity, which living thing would reach and colonise heaven most successfully?

I'm sure some of you are thinking: Birds. I'm not quite sure that would be correct. Yes, it certainly seems logical that flying animals would reach heaven first. Consider this though: entering heaven causes you to die meaning all birds which entered heaven would die. Judging by the fact that most birds haven't become extinct I think we must assume that they have not reached heaven or at least have not colonised it very successfully. Birds can therefore be ignored, I think.

Others among you will have thought: Humans. Yes. That seems particularly critical since in this fictional world, no other living thing that we know of has the intellectual capacity to design this reasonably sophisticated architecture. So if this was your guess, you would be correct. There are, however, more options.

So... No flying animals and obviously no marine animals. Humanity has been addressed. What else is there? It is at this point that I wish to take you all in to the future. It is now 10,000,000 A.D. If we assume that life hasn't been wiped out by a devastating nuclear world war, an enourmous asteroid, a robot revolution, a surprise black hole or an alien attack by then, then which terrestrial biological entity is most likely to reach heaven?

During these 9,997,986 years, I'm sure it would be justified to suppose that evolution will have made some drastic changes to our flora and fauna. I am therefore expanding and extrapolating biological characteristics from already existing animals.

Giraffes are the tallest terrestrial animal. Giraffes have long necks. Everyone knows that. Male giraffes fight over females by smashing their necks against each other, remniniscent of a sword fight except with heads and necks instead of blades and backsides as opposed to shields. Hence, it seems logical that evolution will favour the longer, more muscular necks creating taller, stronger giraffes every generation. I wonder how long and muscular their necks will be in 10,000,000 years. If anyone else was wondering the same thing, then I am very impressed as I submit to you that giraffes will be the conquering class, second only to humanity, in this divine hierarchy (We'll leave God/Gods/Things out of it (If that's what floats your goat)). Moreover, many subspecies of giraffe are already quite endangered. The Rothschild's and reticulated giraffe come to mind. Have they already begun their conquest in this fluffy utopia?

So how would this work? How would giraffes get up to heaven. Well, it's obvious really. Giraffes have long necks. As their necks evolve to be large enough to reach the clouds, it becomes possible for baby giraffes to climb up the necks of their mummies and daddies in order to climb up on to the clouds. From there, it becomes quite difficult to imagine what comes next. I've choose to believe that at this point, the ascended giraffes will begin t develop wings or parachutes made of tight skin like a flying squirrel in order to hop/glide/fly from cloud to cloud. That is, assuming giraffes can breed in heaven. I don't see why not but there you go.

Hence, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Regnum in camelopardalis - the kingdom of the giraffe.




- Unfortunately, I have realised that there are a few errors in my logic, my favourite of which being: Since in this scenario, you have to reach heaven in order to die, every living thing that can't physically reach heaven is immortal. Sounds like good news apart from the fact that because of this, there will be rapid growth in population for almost all organisms which will cause us all to eventually grow to live in an expanding sea of waste and excrement. As this revolting ocean rises, all organisms which manage to float/sit on top of the mound of rubbish will eventually reach heaven. Heaven will then proceed to be engulfed by this unstoppable plague. There is only one conclusion. There is no heaven. There is only hell. Have a nice life